Margaret & Tom's Blog

2012-02-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Life and death . . . qualify as heavy topics. My heart and my brain can attest to that fact. Often, I ask myself why.

Is it because too many friends have threatening illnesses or that even some of them have died?

Does it have something to do with age and stage of life?

Is it because we know too well that cancer and other disease respect neither age, nor place in life?

Have I reluctantly approaced the anniversary of Tom's death?

And, what about life? When is it really over?

What is the measure of one's life?

Does it matter how long or short?

Too many questions; one sure answer.

I love the opening statement in the PC(USA) Brief Statement of Faith: In life and in death, we belong to God. One sure answer. Hymn writers said it in words like: On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand; Great is Thy Faithfulness; There is a place of quiet rest, Near to the Heart of God, and so many others. Many of the writers wrote out of their own experiences and if we were more knowledgeable we might wonder at how they bared their souls so effectively. Instead, we often sing, without paying much attention to the words. Just today I read on a Caring Bridge site a quote of O, Love That Will Not Let Me Go. What assurance there is in that hymn! We may question, we may waver, but it is God's love that holds on to US.

Sunday, as Tommy and Liz were driving into town to a couple of church activities, Tommy got word that a good friend from grad school had died that afternoon. She was diagnosed with cancer about this time last year, treated, went into remission and then her husband called Thursday to say she was back in the hospital. She hadn't felt well for a couple of days and when she went in, they told the husband that it was just a matter of days. She was in her late thirties.

On my way to the oncologist in Jackson yesterday morning, I received the call from Marty that I had dreaded. Her longtime friend, Susan, died early that morning. She was first diagnosed with inflamatory breast cancer in 2007 when the younger of her two little boys was a few months old. Through all of her illness and treatment, she refused to let cancer define her. Instead she inspired many through her blogs, her tireless efforts to raise awareness of cancer, her continued work on NASA projects and most of all as wife, mother and friend. She was 38.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What a waste! I cannot help but think that. Then, I return to: In life and in death we belong to God.

Not a day goes by that I don't mourn Tom's passing. His death left a huge hole in my heart that can never be filled, though I've tried with pep talks to myself and endless activities. They just don't work. A special California friend who lost his wife suddenly last month reminded me when I talked with him recently that God did not make us to live alone. Just hearing those words spoken did wonders for me. Hearing him say that made me realize, really, really know, that, in that case, God will heal the loneliness---if I'd but let Him. Today is the anniversary of Tom's death and it hasn't been a day worse than any other. In his honor, I made one of his favorite desserts for us to enjoy tonight. We will celebrate him.

Like so many cancer survivors, I look around and feel guilty that I'm still responding to treatment and living. I remind myself that Tom and I made that commitment together. We chose to live, not to sit around and let the illness take over our lives. If, in life, I truly belong to God, then live, I must, savoring every moment, responding to where the Holy Spirit leads.

It was appropriate yesterday to see so many signs of Spring on my trip to and from Jackson. They helped focus on life and not death. Trees are beginning to bud and show the hints of color, not quite like the pink haze on the almond trees in California that we loved so much, but deep rose colors. Tulip trees are blooming; patches of daffodils dot the roadsides. And, typical in Mississippi are the signs proclaiming roadside markets have boiled crawfish and Lousiana strawberries for sale. Seasons are changing--though we never experienced winter. To top it off, I saw a front yard full of fat robins as I turned into the driveway. As the teacher wrote in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything.--and it belongs to God

Blessings,

Pastor Margaret

2012-01-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

Join me for a chat . . .

Sometimes my brain feels as if it might explode. Thoughts, activities, projects invade my mind and I have trouble making sense of everything. There continue to be necessary business items to consider (i.e. like finally getting the car tag, etc.) and those are the things that were on "Tom's side of the ledger." Last year the IRS wouldn't allow my tax return to be filed electronically because they said Tom's number had already been used. Friend and CPA Jerri tried everything she knew to get to the bottom of that mystery; we hit a brick wall. Now, here it is time to accumulate all the stuff for 2011 taxes and I'm still waiting on resolution from 2010. Finally, not knowing what else to do and having put up with too many computerized messages, I called the tax payers' advocacy group. They promised help; we'll see. I've gotten exasperated with the lack of activity surrounding the offering of my house for sale, tried to e-mail the realtor and the e-mail was returned. What's up with that? I know I should perservere, but instead I curl up with a good book or play a word game on my Kindle--avoidance, big time.

Also, clammoring for brain time are thoughts about life and death. Too many friends seem to have gone too soon. Some have gone unexpectedly, like Jan Stone; some suffer what humanly seems more than what a person should bear, like a dear professor friend and his wife; some really loving, productive folks have their days of motherhood and productivity cut short. It is difficult not to ask: "Why?" Today I drove to Jackson to attend the service of a ninety-something friend who was the last of my in-laws' group. The service was simple and to the point. The minister spoke of Lucy's life and how she was a woman with a great sense of peace because she had found peace in Jesus. Her request of him was that he share that peace with those at her service. Hers was a life well lived, a life that was example for all who knew her.

During my college days a number of us affiliated with Central Presbyterian Church in Jackson, MS. It is the place where Tom and I met and married, as had his parents before us. Lucy and her husband, the Suttles and several other couples adopted the college students and provided not only a church home, but opened their own homes to us on a regular basis. One of the men in that group mentored Tom in his law practice and invited Tom to be a part of his firm. How those couples impacted the lives of the students! Many of those students were there today as we paid tribute to Lucy--and remembered the "good ole' days."

Following the service, I drove to the cemetary where Tom and my mother are buried. There had been some unfinished business with the marker for his grave and I felt indignance rising. It's not like I could take my business elsewhere. A kind lady in the office gave me a map and directions and I spent between 20 and 30 minutes in a cool, brisk wind trying to locate Tom's grave. Mission accomplished. The marker was there with both our names, side by side--in life and in death. For some strange reason, I feel more a sense of closure. As I left, I was not sad. He is not there; he is rejoicing with the angels and, as always, he is in my heart.

While I was gone, the little girls had a picnic outside and Tommy helped fourth grader, Drew, with his science project--making a dill pickle glow. It seems I missed a lot by being gone a few hours. At Marty's house, this has been a week of birthday celebrations: Colin was 2 on Tuesday and Christopher turned 4 on Thursday. Colin's party was last weekend and Christopher's was to have been today, but the stomach bug arrived as an uninvited guest and his party has been rescheduled for tomorrow. I really miss a lot by being far away from them.

Tomorrow is worship, a day I love. It's great to be able to praise God with friends and to think of friends in other places who are doing the same.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2012-01-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

Phew . . .

Elisa's new word. Yesterday as we were leaving for storytime at the library and other errands, she used it twice, in just the right places. It made me think.

Phew . . . I'm so glad I have Elisa in my life! She fills me with joy and I am constantly amazed by the depth of her feeling. Marty called during the day and I knew immediately that something was up with her. Call it mothers and daughters being on some weird wave length or something; whatever; I knew. Marty's oldest and closest friend , Susan, whom many of you have prayed for, is at the end of her life. Marty needed to talk to her mom. When I hung up the phone, Elisa wanted to know why I talked so long to Aunt Marty.
Maw Maw: Aunt Marty is sad and needed to talk to her mom.
Elisa: Why is Aunt Marty sad?
Maw Maw: Aunt Marty's friend is really sick and cannot get well.
Elisa: What is her name?
Maw Maw: Susan.
Elisa: I can be Aunt Marty's friend.
I wanted to squeeze her to pieces. What a tender heart! And to think, I get to spend time with her.

Phew . . . I FINALLY have a Mississippi tag for my car and a title forthcoming. I have been trying for months to get everything official. Today I made my third trip to the courthouse to get the title put in my name and to get a proper tag. Afterwards, I headed to the Highway Patrol to get a Drivers' Liscense, had to make and unexpected trip to the Social Security Office, and FINALLY got my liscense changed and registered to vote, to boot. Why did it have to be so hard? It was almost as if the state didn't want my money---and we all know that isn't true.

Phew . . . the Older Adult Task Force is off and running. That's a good thing. How neat to have interested, optimistic folks involved! I am excited; no, I'm pumped to be working with such a great group of people.

Phew . . . God is faithful! Last week I spilled my innermost thoughts and it made me feel better. It made me face up to the facts; God has brought me face to face with things I know in my head, but have not been able to accept in my heart. I am grateful! What would any of us do without God's word, God's promises and God's provisions?

Phew . . . I am one blessed person--and I'm counting the blessings, one by one!

Pastor Margaret

2012-01-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

Truth . . .

It has been difficult to write. For all the "stiff upper lip," the smile on my face and the Steel Magnolia appearance, I have been miserable. Through this past year, so many have affirmed me and offered words of encouragement, saying "how well I am doing." The truth is: I haven't done that well. I have been, as one psychologist wrote in her book, A Deepening Love Affair, "papering my walls with activities." That has been easy and comes naturally. First, there were arrangements to be made for Tom's service, the trip to Mississippi for the burial and memorial, Tommy's call to a new church, all the notifications and the stuff to be done when someone dies, getting a house ready to sell, buying another, moving, unpacking, family activity, "granny day care," a new doctor and regular trips to Jackson to see him . . . the list seems endless. Some days I am alone with a family of seven just across the pool. As I have sorted through boxes, I find pictures of times past and they tug at my heart. Some bring smiles; others bring tears. Several weeks ago I asked God to take away the pain of Tom's loss; He has, but the profound sadness, the emptiness remain. It has been suggested that I have not allowed myself to grieve, something I don't deny; I'm not sure I know how. And, during the last several weeks, I have learned of the deaths of both old friends and newer ones--precious folks from our home church and in the first older adult group I staffed; a special college friend and then just this past week Jan Stone. I was both stunned and saddened by her passing. What a great lady! What a great friend!

Life is indeed fragile! Last night I learned that our church secretary who was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer last spring, has been pronounced cancer free. Praise God! On the outside, looking in, most would have thought that Tom would outlive me by years. Until Christmas of 2010, he had not been in the hospital since 1944. Yes, he had allergies that plagued him at times, he had a back that would "go out," but until the Parkinson's diagnosis in 2003, he had been one healthy person. He was a man of integrity, a man who put God above all, someone who tried to be obedient. I keep thinking, "why was my Tommy taken from me?" In the past few days I have become aware of the error of my thinking. He wasn't "mine" at all. He always belonged to God and he was God's gift to me. Even now, I cannot full comprehend what that truly means. There was Tom, with an incurable, debilitating disease, our secretary with deadly lung cancer, Jan, so much like the Energizer Bunny, who was here one day, gone the next, and here I am, having been diagnosed with ovarian cancer over nine years ago. Try as I might, I cannot make sense of it.

Job couldn't make sense of his circumstances, but he never denied or cursed God. He remained faithful in spite of his afflictions and his so-called friends who preached to him. What I need to do is to quit with the questions and get on with answers God has already provided. He is the one who lights my path, who can heal my broken heart and who knows what my future holds. I know this in my heart; I pray to trust Him more.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-12-31T21:35:00.000-08:00

The last one of 2011 . . .

For a minute there, I couldn't sign in. That's frustrating--not that I have that much to say, but still, it is Dec. 31 and I needed one "last hurrah."

2011 has been quite a year! It has been a year of profound loss, but also a year of profound blessing. We lost my beloved Tom and we all feel it: children, grandchildren, friends and most especially me. In spite of the loss I have had the time to reflect on the memories and to count my blessings. I was loved by an incredible man and for that I am incredibly grateful. I have returned to my adopted homeland of Mississippi. It has been bittersweet to be back in the state where Tom and I met, married and lived most of our life together. So many places remind me of him and they usually make me smile. I moved away from some good friends in Tennessee, but closer to my dear friends in Jackson, MS and I am making new friends where we are now. My health remains stable and my oncologist is optimistic that this nasty cancer can be held at bay. In comparison, other issues are inconsequential. The lingering question remains: why has God allowed me all these unexpected days? I know we are not to ask such things.

I know that tomorrow much be the Sunday after Christmas because I'm preaching. The "extra pastors" as some designated us at FOPC always get the Sundays after Christmas and Easter. But, hey, I'm not complaining. I'm more than happy to have the opportunity. I remember saying one year at Fair Oaks that I had preached every Sunday after Christmas since I began preaching my second year in seminary. One dear, prejudiced friend, sitting right down front started clapping. I'll never forget that Sunday--or the friend, for that matter.

We've had a quiet New Year's Eve--just like I like. Our friend John and his son came out to watch football and eat supper. We grilled steaks and ate dessert left over from earlier in the holidays. Afterwards, we went outside and legally shot fireworks, though I admit that I have never liked fireworks. In California they were everywhere!! I was always afraid that a spark would ignite the cedar shakes on our roof and we'd burn to the ground. They have been illegal within the city limits everywhere else we've lived, but now we're in the country. Tommy did the the actual lighting and the rest of us watched--except of the little ones, who ran in circles between displays. I still think I prefer watching the display on the 4th of July celebration on the Washington Mall. The colors are pretty and the noise isn't as great.

I leave you with a thought from Ezra for the New Year. In chapter seven it says that Ezra commited himself to studying the Revelation of God, to practicing its teaching and to teaching it to others. That, coupled with Ezra's belief that worship was central to being identified as people of God, combines to make a worthy resolution/commitment for the new year. It's a challenge for me and one I offer as a suggestion for you as well. I've never been a resolution maker, but Ezra inspired me. Will you join me? "I commit in 2012 to make worship central in my life; to study God's word; to practice what it teaches; and to teach it to others."

God bless you and Happy New Year!
Pastor Margaret

2011-12-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

Catching up . . .

What a wonderful visit I had with Marty and her family over the Thanksgiving holidays!!! I arrived the evening of my birthday greeted by two precious little boys yelling "Nana," and running to give me hugs. Now that's a greeting not soon to be forgotten! We went straight home to find Mallory and Kevin's dad and to eat birthday dinner, complete with the best chocolate cake, selected by Christopher. We had thirteen for Thanksgiving dinner including neighbors and a Chinese family. I was proud of Marty's cooking and organizing skills. Other days were filled with playing, shopping, decorating, knitting, talking. All too soon it was time to come home.

I have loved going into my children's houses and seeing "our things" being used and loved as we loved them. Tommy has his dad's treasured stereo speakers, the grandfather clock the three Toms assembled and finished, an oak wardrobe Tom and I bought at an Illinois farm auction the summer he returned from Vietnam and a few other things. Marty has my mom's dining room table, my wedding china and a marble top table I also had gotten from my mother. Both have things from Tom's parents. Those "things" are like golden threads that weave the generations together and provide sparkling memories of times spent in their midst.

We have all had the respiratory crud, some worse than others. Elisa had a particularly hard time with it, but is all well now. The coughing made me more tired than usual, especially because it kept me awake at night. I saw the oncologist Tuesday of this week and had THE LONGEST DAY. The best part, however, was being declared "stable" once again. My red counts continue to be on the low side, so I've decided to give in to the tiredness and rest when I need to rest. Now, how long did it take me to learn that?

Last night Tommy, Sarah and I attended our choirs's offering of Rutter's Magnificat and it was magnificent. The soloist's voice was perfect for his work! Afterwards, the three of us went out to eat at a Hattiesburg favorite restaurant--a delicious way to end the evening.

Today I'm busy trying to shorten my list of things to do and in a bit will go to Drew's school for an author's tea. I have no idea what that is, but he invited me and I try not to turn down invitations from grandchildren. Sometime over the weekend I'm to take Drew and Jacob shopping for their parents. Ssh! It's a big secret.

It's difficult this time of year, with all the busyness, to focus on the reason we're celebrating. We are blessed to live where we are free to worship, sing and shout Merry Christmas. As I reflect on Christmases past, I have warmth in my heart and a smile on my face. God's grace has been abundant as is revealed in His greatest gift of all.

God bless you,
Pastor Margaret

2011-11-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

No, I don't have my weeks mixed up; I know very well that Thanksgiving is next week, not tomorrow. I'm just issuing my greeting a week early because after tonight my computer will be silent until the end of the month. I am spending the holidays with Marty and family. I haven't seen her since her dad died and I'm anxious for some mother/daughter time. So, eat well, love much and especially give thanks!

The November visit with my oncologist was Monday. Blood pressure down and stable, kidney problem apparently in check so he restarted the Avastin. Time will tell whether or not I'll tolerate it this time. Dr. Thigpen doesn't want to change the medication regimen since it has held the cancer at arm's length for a while now. I'll be saying special thanks for the outstanding doctors I've had since Tillie the Tumor came to call in August, 2002.

You may get tired of reading about the beautiful Mississippi fall we're having, but I never tire of seeing it. Again, on the way to and from Jackson, there were numerous trucks, loaded with sweet potatoes, some with sugar cane, boiled peanuts and satsumas. The trees get more colorful with each trip, but I know the leaves won't last much longer. A tornado touched down close to here last night.

I think back to the first Thanksgiving Tom and I were married--I was with his family; he was in the jungles of Vietnam. There have been many since then and it seems they have all be different. One year we took the children from Jackson to New Orleans on the train and spent the holidays there. What a wonderful time we had--after we recovered from losing Marty on Canal St. A couple of times we traveled with Mom and Dad to Southern Illinois to visit relatives there. More often than not we celebrated at home with as many as we could fit around the table. I remember Thanksgivings in California--serving grits to willing guests, sharing stories. I am so blessed with family and friends and memories shared. This year there will again be an empty place at the table; we all miss Tom.

We won't be the only ones with an empty place--many have lost loved ones this year. Holidays are hard. Today a widow told me she is the most lonely between 6 and 7 p.m. Families are preparing or eating dinner and she stands at the kitchen counter eating peanut butter and crackers. Let someone alone know that you care; invite them for dinner; go pick them up. Often we think the chaos of the day is bothersome, but that might be what is missed the most.

"Give thanks with a grateful heart."
Pastor Margaret

2011-11-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

The Morning After . . .

It's the morning after statewide elections and there is a slow, Mississippi fall rain teasing the ground. After all the rain we had over the summer, I didn't think I'd be thinking how much we need rain now. It's a good day for staying inside--so many things need to be done vs. so many that I'd rather do. I'm glad the rain held off for the elections yesterday, though with the numbers out to vote, I'm not sure rain would have kept them home. I, of course, am not registered--guess I'm not official since I have no car tag, driver's license etc. It remains to be seen how the newly elected officials will govern!

Elisa was four years old last Wednesday. So soon? The song from "Fiddler on the Roof" runs through my mind: Sunrise, sunset, where did my little girl go? Those words also remind me of Marty and I wonder the same. What happened to all the years? Elisa had a wonderful day at preschool--she took "pupcakes" to share and got in the car with a paper crown that wouldn't stay up. She was very proud, but wanted to know if I could see her blue eyes. No, I couldn't literally see them, but I see them in my head. I have but to think of her to see those eyes and feel her hand in mine. I am reminded of brown eyes and another small hand, a little girl so trusting and loving who is all grown with children who look at her the same way. We cannot hold on to the children, but that's what hearts and memories are for--to remember and cherish the moments.

Saturday Liz, Sarah and I drove to Ocean Springs for the Peter Anderson Festival. Our first stop was in Biloxi to buy shrimp right off the boats. How could I have forgotten the smell, the peaceful mood that comes when first you come over a hill and see the Gulf spread in front of you? A large part of the shrimping industry has been taken over by Vietnamese who moved here following the war. They are hard working and eager to show you their catch. We found jumbo shrimp for $4 a pound and medium ones for $2.50 per pound. One jumbo shrimp was larger than my hand! We bought 20 pounds of jumbos, 15 pounds of medium, packed them in our cooler (along with the help of a lady from whom we hadn't even bought), crossed another bridge and went to Ocean Springs, one of my favorithe spots on the coast. It's a small, picturesque, artsy community known for the Anderson family, artists in several mediums. The festival was a big bizarre type affair, with lots of people set up all over down town. It took us a while to find a parking place and we walked a lot!

One of the most interesting finds was a store that sells only products made in the USA. It had opened just the week before the festival. Sarah was excited and wanted to go inside. A couple of weeks ago she and I were in the car and for some reason began talking about American made products etc. and I was giving her my patriotic stance on keeping jobs at home. As soon as we got home she went to her room and started checking her things to see how many--actually, how few--of them were made in America. Since then, she's all about "made in the USA." Back to Ocean Springs--the store owners where South African immigrants, proud Americans who have only been here eleven years. They were glad to show us the pictures on display of their two sons, both of whom are serving in the Marine Corps. It did my heart good to meet them and to see the amount of love and loyalty they have for their adopted land. We should all be so loyal!!
We could learn a lot from them and from the shrimp ladies who have come, found a home and a way to both contribute to the community's economy and earn a living.

Since summer my morning Bible readings have been from The Message as I forge ahead to read it in its entirety. This week I came to Chronicles, not the most interesting or inspiring verses to read, though I did finally get through the chapters of names to the summation of David's reign. In his introduction, Peterson, the translator, reminds us that names are important to God. He knows us by name! Neither we, nor the people named in Chronicles are merely "one among many." My name is written on God's heart; it's in the Book of Life. He does not look at me and say, "That's ole' what's her name." I have also been reminded of a statement made by my favorite OT professor in seminary: There's theology in every verse. It may not be as obvious as in the Gospels or Psalms, but even lists of names are important.

The best thing that happened last week is this. I was driving into town one morning, listening to a CD, when a song that reminds me particularly of Tom began to play. It made me cry. Right then, I began to pray about the loneliness and the pain of his not being here. It hit me like a brick. God knows pain better than anyone else; He knows what it is to "lose" a loved one. I thought of a conversation Tommy and I had after his return from a spiritual retreat when he told me how he describes God's removal of our sin. If God removes my sin, will He not also remove the pain in my heart? In Petal, right between the Green Street Baptist and Petal Pentecostal churches, I asked God to take away the pain, to heal the tender places in my heart. What a break through! I will always miss Tom, always have this empty place he has filled for so many years, but the pain is gone--"far as the east is from the west."

Now, on to the things I should do today: pay bills, laundry, etc.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-10-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

Who Knew . . .

*that buying a car tag could be so difficult? Mississippi has extremely high car tag prices, so you would think the state would be anxious to take my money. I have been to the tax collector's office twice and both times have come away empty handed. At first, I didn't have the registration and finally had to have a duplicate faxed to me. Now, I have no title because it's in Tom's name; it's not legally a part of our trust so I have to have my children agree to "let me have it." The law says you must register your car in your new place of residence within the first thirty days. Oops! I'm a little late!!!!

*that fall could be so beautiful in south Mississippi? I know I've said before how beautiful the colors are, but they keep getting more beautiful with every passing day. Today, as I was driving home from the grocery store, I was struck by how beautiful the picked over cotton field was. There stood brown stalks, with empty bolls and remnants of cotton missed by the picker framed by red, yellow and green trees in the distance. The psalmist said, "Enjoy God." How can I help but enjoy Him when His creation is so lovely?

*that I would have been in my new place five months and still not be settled? The clutter is getting to me! Last week I spent hours in the office filing papers, (looking for the car registraton), sorting, and throwing away stuff I'm sure no one wants. The memories uncovered keep me company.

*that I would have the opportunity and privilege to be involved in some of my grandchildren's lives on a daily basis? The Petal High School Marching Band is competing in its fourth competion of the month in Clinton this weekend. Liz took the children, met her parents and her two brothers and their families, but I elected not to make the trip. I have seen the complete show and am amazed at how good they are. I have volunteered to pick Jake up when he gets back to the school at 1:30 A.M. Elisa will be four on Wednesday--hard to believe she's the same little baby that Tom and I cuddled and kept as an infant. She made him smile then; I can only imagine how much he would smile at her now! Soon I'll be packing for my visit with the three North Carolina grandchildren. Can't wait to see how they have grown and changed.

Only God knows what our futures hold. Only God knows the plans He has for us. If I've learned anything in these 70+ years it's that life is best left to God. We cling to Him in times of trial and crisis, but how much more important it is to cling and trust for every day things. As long as we draw breath, we belong to God. In fact, "In life and in death, we belong to God." Every day is an adventure, a day to be lived in obedience, a day to give thanks for the faithfulness of God. "Who knew?" God knew; God knows.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-10-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

Excuses, excuses . . .

Life is happening! It seems like every day has it's own special task to perform and all the while I'm reminding myself that I'm retired - and tired at times. Then there are those annoying, continuing computer problems. Is the internet at fault, is the computer being cantankerous or is the user too dumb to answer either question? Some days I don't even want to sign on!!

Last week I attended the annual POAMN (Presbyterian Older Adult Ministries Network) conference, held this year in conjunction with the Association of Retired Ministers, Spouses and Survivors. I had not been able to attend for the last three years and so enjoyed seeing special friends and colleagues in ministry. POAMN and I invested in one another over twenty years ago. Much of what I know about older adult ministry has been learned through print resources offered, conferences and the network experience--sharing with one another. It is a ministry of the PC(USA) that I have supported and loved--as did Tom. The keynote speaker last week was Cynthia Rigby, professor of theology from Austin Seminary. She, without a doubt in my mind, is the best keynoter we have ever had: inspiring, encouraging, delightful, knowledgeable, brilliant! I also took in a few workshops. I've come full circle. I was in my forties when I began in older adult ministry and often felt it necessary to apologize for my age and for "presuming" to talk about growing older. The between years have brought me face to face with practically everything about which I spoke, but I'm still not, nor will I ever be, an authority on any subject. We experienced many changes, some associated with loss; I became a full time caregiver; personal illness tried to turn my world upside down; and one of the most difficult things was having to insist on taking car keys from my husband. Through all the changes, the illnesses, the trials, my POAMN friends and colleagues have been present and praying. I will be forever greatful!!

Fall has come to Mississippi! Monday I drove to Jackson for the monthly oncology visit and was happy to see slight changes of color in the woods. We don't have the sugar maples or the aspens that provide the spectacular color that draws tourists, rather our color comes from sweet gums, Chinese tallows, some ghinkos, dogwoods, crepe myrtles and fields of ragweed, black eyed susans and cotton ready to be harvested. Those deep reds and yellows contrasted against the very present pines are a beautiful sight. Cotton is planted not far from us on the road to Meredith's school. I have loved watching it grow from small plants, to the blooming stage, to open bolls, then to defoliated plants, waiting to be picked. As it stands there waiting, it is white as far as you can see--the inspiration for the popular tee shirt that sports a picture and caption, reading "Ski Mississippi." Such simple pleasures!

Also visible on my trip to Jackson were several pick-up trucks parked on the side of the road, loaded with Mississippi sweet potatoes to sell. They are the best. Now, don't confuse a sweet potato with a yam. They are not the same thing. To quote an internet site: The yam tuber has a brown or black skion which resembles the bark of a tree and off-white, purple or red flesh, depending on the variety. They are at home growing in tropical climates, primarily in South Amnerica, Africa, and the Caribbean. I don't know that I have ever eaten a yam and I bet many of you haven't either. Serve sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving and Mississippi ones at that!!!

Tomorrow is Presbytery in Vicksburg and I am going before them to move my membership from Mid-South Presbytery. Guess then, I will officially be home.

Now, I absolutely must find my car registration. I am long overdue in buying a Mississippi tag. Life continues to happen. I need to be ready.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-09-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

A few thoughts from the country . . .

The honeycomb pattern continues, though I did take out about eight rows. There are obvious (to me) mistakes on the back, but they are interesting, add to the pattern and with the advice of the expert at the shop, I decided to leave them. She asked if I could recreate them on the front. Again, knitting parallels life. I'm not really sure how I made the mistakes. I only know I didn't follow the pattern in those particular places. Don't we at times ask ourselves the questions: "what did I do wrong?" "Why didn't I listen?" In knitting, we can take out the mistakes, begin again. In life we ask for forgiveness, regroup and pray for wisdom to follow God's direction.

News from the compound:

Sarah fell off the rip-stick Saturday and broke her arm.

Last Tuesday I met Pastor Steve for an afternoon of visiting shut-ins and serving communion. It was a great time!

Friday night I took Sarah to Petal's Homecoming. She loved the court, the game and especially watching Jacob in the outstanding band show. I loved some of those things too, but most of all loved that time with her.

Saturday I went to knitting class, the grocery store and spent the afternoon cooking. By bedtime, I was exhausted. Lesson learned: my energy is not limitless!

Sunday I drove to Jackson for some R&R w/ friends. We ate well, visited well and on Monday went to the (new to me) Mississippi Craft Center. It has always been one of my favorite places to go to buy gifts and had been housed in a log cabin structure right on the Natchez Trace. Now it has moved to a much larger, new building closer to the Ross Barnett Resevoir. We also went by the "old" Farmers' Market--only two vendors remain. Others have moved to a newer spot a few miles away. Sad, but I guess that's progress. I'll just have to gaze at the Wyatt Waters' watercolor print of my favorite produce place that is hanging in a prominent place in the house. It brings memories of three generations of our buying there, hours spent pickling, canning and freezing what we bought.

When I arrived home, my door was unlocked, the airconditioner was going full blast, the lights and the TV were on and the Suttle cat was asleep in a chair. I had been invaded!! Shortly, Tommy walked in and asked if I noticed what all had been done. I had given him a list of things he needed to do for me and he had done almost all of them. Wow! I should go away more often. Light bulbs had been changed, filters in vents replaced, a leaky commode fixed and all the stereo equipment hooked up--though the CD player looks a little quaint resting on four giant legos. Next time he says, "Just give me a list," I'll be more prompt in responding!

Coming up is a trip to San Antonio for the annual Presbyterian Older Adult Ministry Network conference, being held this year in conjucntion with the Association of Retired Ministers and Spouses. I have not attended in three years and I'm looking forward to seeing friends. In November I'm headed to Raleigh to see Marty and her family. That will be great!!!

The lectionary epistle readings right now are in Philippians. This morning I read the book through in The Message and the words Peterson had translated gave additional insights. I have always heard that if one word were used to describe Philippians, it would be "rejoice." Paul's joy in knowing Christ, his joy in his relationship w/ the people of Philippi and the joy he wants to share with them literally jumps off the pages. Have you ever been so grateful for things in your Christian life that you want more than anything for others to know/experience the joy you have? I often have those thoughts. I want so much for my friends and loved ones to share the trust I have, yet words are inadequate. Paul tells the Philippians to live the joy, let their lives show the love they have for God. He says "Enjoy God." Amen and Amen.

Blessings,

Pastor Margaret

2011-09-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

Life is like the Honeycomb pattern . . .

Several weeks ago I found a men's sweater pattern that I liked. It was labeled "easy," and looked like something I could do. After many starts, stops, ripping and frustration I think I finally have the pattern and instructions nailed to my brain and in my fingers. Much to my dismay, I discovered that some of what I thought were mistakes were not. The complete pattern is eight rows and has to be completed at least a couple of times before it remotely resembles the picture. The owner of the yarn shop encouraged me yesterday to keep on following the pattern, step by step, stitch by stich and I would discover that I had indeed knit a finished product. As I sat and knit last night, I realized how similar to life her instructions are. We don't always see the finished product, we don't always know where we are headed, we don't always know just where it is that God is calling us or what God wants us to do--it doesn't matter. Our task is to keep on following the pattern God has laid out, step by step, faithfully and obediently doing as God instructs. When the time is right, we'll see.

I've had a fine Saturday. I put the finishing touches on the sermon I'm preaching in Laurel tomorrow, made a pound cake for Tommy and Liz to take to a family with a new baby, had a phone visit with a lady from the church, knit, watched football and played with three of the grandchildren. Whew! Now I'm tired, ready to eat a hamburger fresh off the grill and go to bed. Morning will come and I have to allow myself enough time to find my way through the country backroads to Laurel--about thirty miles from here. It's the church where Tommy worked before going to Tennessee and I baptized Drew there. It will be great to be in the pulpit and to see old friends.

Monday, I'm up early again, but this time headed to Jackson for a doctor's appointment. He has scans scheduled again--nor sure why. I continue to wait for some idea of what consistent treatment will look like. Meanwhile, I pray to know what it is God has in mind for me now. There is a cross stitched poem haning over my computer desk. It was a favorite of a friend's mother and when she died, the friend had the poem printed on notecards that she used to acknowledge remembrances for her mom. I charted it for cross stitch and made one for the friend and one for myself. It reads:

Help me, O God,
not to put off a task or
delay a decision until tomorrow
that I should do or make today.
May I live this day in such a way
that if your call for me should
sound at morning, noontime, or evening,
it may find me ready. Amen.

It's part of the honeycomb pattern. Funny how losing a spouse affects our outlook on the future. For so long, we lived a life of "when" and "later." When we realized just how illness would alter the course of our lives, we knew that the whens and laters didn't matter. Life is now. Life is very much today. It is taking things step by step, focusing on obedience, being ready.

God bless you as you worship tomorrow!
Pastor Margaret

2011-09-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

A gazillion reasons I haven't posted . . .

Problems with the computer responding--drives me crazy, so I just turn it off.

I have become addicted to knitting.

Discovered books by favorite authors that I hadn't yet read.

Granny day care two days a week and some afternoons.

Continued efforts to stash all my stuff.

Boredom and loneliness don't need to find their way to printed page.

Even now, as I type, letters and whole words appear seconds after I type and the cursor jumps around all over the place. Is my problem the computer or the internet connection?

I discovered a knitting group at the local shop and I try to go every Friday for a couple of hours. In between times I work on projects. Actually my skills have improved, especially those necessary for ripping out, fixing mistakes or starting over.

When I'm not knitting, I'm reading. Lately I've read some real "page turners" and can't put them down until I'm finished. Friday I went to the Petal Library to get a card and to get the schedule for storytime. Elisa and I will check it out this Thursday. Coincidentally, the library is just across the street from the yarn shop. How's that for convenience?

Elisa spends Tuesdays and Thursdays with me. It's great fun and company for me, but when she's here I do little else but talk to her, read, color or play outside. The fact is: everything else can wait!

It seems as if I've spent hours and hours going through boxes in the office. That is tedious, but also it can be quite emotional. There are so many signs of memories. Tom is everywhere!

Every once in a while Elisa will say to me: "I'm boring." Obviously she has heard older brothers and sister complain about being bored. For sure, she is never boring and her saying that makes me wonder if part of my boredom at times is because I'm a bore myself. I'm working on being alone and not lonely. It's hard and that's all I'll say.

Our God has promised never to leave us alone.

Blessings,

Pastor Margaret

2011-08-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

Enjoy God . . .

Psalm 68:4 in The Message says Enjoy God, cheer when you see him! That instruction was on my mind as I drove to church this morning. I cheered as I drove past the Mom and Pop vegetable stand just down the road, being thankful for all the fresh produce we enjoy. I cheered as I took a look at God's creation, ordinary sights I often take for granted. I cheered when I approached two Petal churches, their parking lots filled to capacity. And I cheered as I reflected on the celebration of Tom's birthday we had last night and the night before.

Friday, August 12, Tom would have been seventy. It was a day I had been dreading. For lots of years I had tried to make it the most special day for him. Now, what would I do? The day would be lonely; there would be no surprises, no plans just for him. I need not to have worried. Friends who have long been part of some of those surprises and celebrations called or wrote notes. Family here said I could remain by myself or be with them. The day was full. I went into Petal to the yarn shop to meet some new folks and knit for a while, then met our pastor for a two and a half hour lunch. That night, after teenagers had been taken to their activities and the little ones had gone to bed, we enjoyed one of Tom's favorite meals--grilled steak, twice baked potato and green salad with homemade dressing full of horseradish--just the way he liked it. Last night when all the children were present we poured champagne for the adults, sparkling grape juice for the children and toasted Paw Paw. Liz asked each child to share a memory. This morning I cheered when I thought of what they had shared and I felt Tom smiling, tears glistening in his eyes. I cheered as I thanked God for Tom's birthday. It was a special day and a special celebration.

I pray that I will always remember to enjoy God and that I will cheer when I see Him in things both great and small.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-08-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

Popcorn Runs in the Family . . .

(*Dedicated to my FOP popcorn buddy.)

Until Monday I thought I was the only member of our family who feasts on popcorn for lunch. When I checked in with Sarah, chief baby sitter for those who had not yet started to school, to see if she had any ideas for lunch, she replied: I thought I'd pop popcorn. I knew she loved it almost as much as I, but didn't know it was a lunch time favorite. Being the conscientious grandmother that I am, I said that was fine by me, but they needed something that at least sounded more nutritious. I offered grapes. After everyone except Elisa and I ate, she and I walked back over to my house. The thought of popcorn and the lingering aroma was a reminder that it had been a while since I'd had such a lunch so I popped a bag for Elisa and me. She consumed almost the entire bag, leaving me to wonder how such a little girl could eat so much popcorn. Best of all is the memory of seeing her snuggled up in the chair beside me, holding the bowl, munching away.

Jacob started to school Monday and the other three went today. Elisa spent the day with me.
Meredith had her first day in kindergarten and looked so grown up in her uniform of khaki shirt and red polo, topped off with a white bow in her hair. She has matching backpack and lunchbox. She reported that her favorite part of the day was the playground and getting a snack from the teacher. No one could get all their supplies in their backpacks. Hopefully, those things will be less filled from now on or they will all be bent over from carrying such loads. Sarah made some new friends and said she had a good day. I have just finished making colored letters on the computer for a folder she is making about herself. When we came to the office to print the pages, I saw the same kind of folder that Tommy made when he was her age. Maybe tomorrow I'll hear about Drew's first day in a new school.

As for me, I drew lots of pictures and watched a lot of Sponge Bob Squarepants. I'm still trying to figure out if it has any educational value. I did get some more things unpacked and put away. Maybe I'll print colored letters for Elisa tomorrow and for sure, we'll tune into a different program!

Happiness is being a grandmomma to eight special children! Now, if only I could see my North Carolina ones more often!!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-08-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

August . . .

What happened to June and July? It seems like just yesterday that we were frantically packing, saying our goodbyes and heading south. The children just finished school for the year and suddenly they are a few inches taller, brown from the sun and "eagerly" anticipating the start of a new school year Wednesday--all except Jake who starts Monday. (Of course, that's not counting the two weeks he has already spent at band camp.) I look around, still seeing boxes and clutter and wonder what I did during the preceding months. And, I wonder if things will ever be decent and in order.

One great stumbling block is taking time to go through boxes of memorabilia. I have both "who cares?" and "I surely can't throw this away" attitudes. Do my children want to have to go through a box containing cards they made for me when they were little? Will they care about their first grade writing exercises? If I save all of Tom's awards and commendations will his descendants know any more about him? I've been going through such a box this week and have found that I can't look at all those things in one sitting. I have to remember - - - and that takes time.

Today has been a lazy day, simply because I designated it as such. Only necessary chores have been done. For the most part I have sat with my knitting trying to figure out instructions to finish one project and begin another. I learned yesterday that the shop here in Petal has a "sit and knit" session every Friday and I look forward to going this next week. Hopefully, I'll meet some new friends and learn something too.

Mornings don't start that early, but they begin with getting the coffee ready and settling down in the recliner to read a page from a John Calvin devotional book and my daily Bible chapters. It has been a while since I have followed my suggested pattern of reading a Proverb and 5 Psalms a day, so I started that the first of August again. Only this time, I'm reading from The Message and find the translation interesting and refreshing. Many of you have heard me repeat this recommendation made to me by friend and mentor, Joe Rightmyer, and I find that each time I follow this practice I learn more and draw closer to God. A more serene setting helps really focus my attention where it needs to be. Ah! Retirement in the country!!

Tomorrow is the day of worship and our minister will be back in the pulpit, back from vacation. I look forward to being present, to hearing the message, and to sharing communion with a new church family!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-07-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Another update . . .

The visit with the doctor in Jackson yesterday went well, but all the news didn't reach me until this morning. There is both good and bad news and some inbetween.

Good news first: NO progression of disease

Then, the bad: Protein count is still to high for treatment with Avastin, so we wait, praying that will correct itself and that there will be no permanent kidney damage

And next the in between: My appendix is enlarged and needs to be watched.

The nurse commented that "someone" is definitely looking out for me. I could tell her, with joy and conviction, that He always does!

I drove through some torrential rain going to Jackson Sunday afternoon and before I left to come home yesterday, Tommy called to alert me to the bad storms in our area. Thankfully, they had passed before I got here. For several days in a row, the heavens have opened and the heavy rains have come. Saturday afternoon Tommy had to run into town to get a couple of things from the grocery and on the way in, he called me. He had driven past the other house we had considered before settling on this one and he just wanted to tell me how glad he was that we made the decision we had made. He said front yard of the other house looked like a lake!

You know, God showers blessings on us like the clouds dump the rain. Blessings overflow in our lives, pooling around us like an abundance of rain floods our yards. Around here everything is so green. The crops are flourishing, cotton is blossoming; signs of abundance of the blessings of Nature. As I drove past those abundant fields this morning I asked myself: Should this sight not serve as a reminder that just as God showers us, we should likewise grow and flourish? God's goodness is all around us; it is within us, waiting to be acknowledged and shared.

Rejoice and be glad!

Pastor Margaret

2011-07-23T20:13:00.000-07:00

South Mississippi . . . is hot but not as hot as the rest of the country. We have been spared, maybe because of the thunderstorms that call on us almost daily. We had a sudden, terrific downpour yesterday that is bound to have put more water into the unfinished room underneath my house. We have had to have a plumber and a foundation man out to advise us about the problem and we were to call the next time we had such a downpour so someone could check the origin of the water. I forgot. Today it rained just enough to keep Tommy from doing yard work. We are so prone to complain--too hot, too cold; too much rain, not enough. Why are we never content?

Things around the "compound" were quiet today. Liz and the girls went to a neighboring town for the day to visit some friends down from Jackson, TN, Drew went to a movie with a friend, Tommy worked inside. The only sounds were occasional barks from the dogs and Jacob practicing his saxophone parts for band. I'm not used to such quiet!

In the morning I'll preach at the church where I attend. I will never cease being grateful for every opportunity to share God's word. After lunch I'll pack up and head to Jackson so I'll be there for an early morning appointment for scans, tests and a visit with the doctor on Monday. I'm ready for some answers and to learn what kind of schedule is in my future.

One of the lectionary passages for tomorrow is Romans 8:26-39, familiar verses that are mind-boggling. Studying for the sermon caused me to reflect on the many times God has worked to bring good from seemingly dire circumstances in my life or in the lives of people I know and love. God is in the midst of every circumstance. Once again, I was overcome with the knowledge that God chose me to be His child, not because of anything I have done, but because of His love and grace. God loves me and nothing will ever change that--absolutely nothing! I pray that what I know to be true and the gratitude I feel will be obvious tomorrow and that God will be glorified.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-07-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

There's no place like home . . .

Familiar places, familiar foods, familiar sounds and scents, they are part of the feelings of contentment. It's not utopia, the cost of living has risen here just as in other places, it's the year for state elections in Mississippi and the commercials are tiresome as I remember them in the last two states where we have lived. But, it's home! I'm not even a native Mississippian, but it's where most of my roots are sunk and it's home.

My little house is beginning more and more every day to look like home thanks to friends, both old and new who have come to help unpack, put away things and help decorate. The unpacking and putting away is more time consuming and tiring than anything else, but I don't have a decorating bone in my body. The bonus in having them come, of course, is the visiting. What would I do without friends to help make this house my home?

I'm settling into my kitchen and that makes everyone happy. In the past week I've put up a bushel of lady peas, made a cobbler kind of dessert for church night supper and I have a sour cream pound cake in the oven right now. I have fresh peaches to put on top if anyone wants that. Of course, Tom thought it was sacrilege to put anything on his cake. He never thought there was anything in the house to eat if there wasn't a sour cream pound cake in the pantry. I haven't had a kitchen with this much counter space since we left Jackson, MS. I love it!!!! Tom would love it. When I can cook, I know it's home.

As contented as I am, I cannot forget that this world is not my home. There are many mansions in my Father's house and there is a room waiting for me. At times I try to imagine what that room will be like. I can only believe that the home I love now, the contentment I feel will not begin to compare to what awaits in heaven. I have thought a lot this year of those who have gone ahead. Obviously, I think of Tom, but also of several friends who have passed since he did in February: Bob Harris, Pat Pattillo, Larry Huggett, Larry Rhodes, Elma Allender, Shannon Kruser and our dear, dear Bob Bohn. I know there are others. These are freshest on my mind. I see Bob Harris's twinkling blue eyes, hear him sharing his Navy experiences; there is Pat with his infectious smile looking for a pinochle game; Larry Huggett knows from experience, now, that "God is good; all the time God is good" and is ready to get everyone singing; Larry Rhodes is telling of his travels, being an encourager; Elma and Shannon speak softly as they share their tender hearts; and there is Bob with his gift of hospitality, ready to entertain with stories of his life. Tom is in good company. Whether my sanctified imagination is stretching things or not, I don't know, but I remember such good times with these folks on earth that I know it has to be even better in heaven. One day I'll be able to say: "Without a doubt, there is truly no place like home."

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-07-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

Ramblings . . .

It's after nine and supper is cooking--Suttle's version of "Low Country Boil." Tommy has shrimp, sausage, red potatoes and corn cooking in his fish cooker. I've got French bread ready to go in the oven and blueberry cobbler cooking. It's late, but it will be worth the wait.

The little girls spent several hours with me this afternoon. Mainly, they do their thing--dressing up, playing house, using those wonderful imaginations of theirs. I am royally entertained. Today I was busy working in the office, unpacking books for the bookcases that Tommy put together for me yesterday. I unpacked lots of family pictures, including several of Tom by himself and him with the children and our beloved Mastiff, Sugar. Meredith and Elisa wanted pictures of their Paw Paw to put in their room and seeing the telephone in there, they began imaginary phone calls from heaven to talk to him. Their talk was full of "I love you, Paw Paw" and "I miss you." He is SO present with them. Their love for him is a real comfort, but, at the same time, it reminds me of how much I miss him, how he loved them and how he would have loved watching them develop and grow.

Things are coming together, albeit slowly. Getting books on the shelves in the office is a major accomplishment. I've set aside things for both children and have tried to determine which pictures I will hang and which ones I'll eliminate. What a chore! Several things are still missing; lots of things just sit, waiting to either be thrown or put away. As Jacob said, this will be a real cozy place when everything is settled.

I'm looking forward to filling our pulpit on July 24 while Pastor Steve is away on vacation. It's good to be studying again. By my chair sits a book on cancer Steve wants me to read in preparation for possibly being part of some sort of support group in the fall. One of the elders has asked Tommy if it would be alright to call and ask me some questions about intentional Older Adult Ministry. God continues to open doors for ministry, both in my front yard and in the church. It's an exciting time! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!

Blessings to you and yours,
Pastor Margaret

2011-06-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

Finally reconnected . . .

We have been in our new places three weeks and you still can't tell if we're moving in or out. Boxes are everywhere, counters are covered, clothes remain unpacked and books are waiting for additional bookcases. In the meantime we have enjoyed lots of fresh produce and I've frozen a bushel of butterbeans. Peaches are sitting by the sink waiting to find a home in peach pie. Around the corner and just down the road is a produce stand in someone's front yard. Every morning the owner puts signs on the road telling what he has to offer that day. It's a "help yourself stand:" prices are posted on the table with instructions on what to do. Customers are to weigh what they wish to purchase, bag it and place your money in the box on the table. Liz bought tomatoes there the other day and they couldn't have been any fresher.

Our other culinary delight is Gulf seafood!!! You haven't had shrimp until you've had Gulf shrimp. Fresh ones come with heads on and the last we had were as big as my hand. Yum, yum! One night last week we had both redfish and flounder, caught the same day. From the inland waters come plump, juicy crawfish that are in season now. Tommy and Liz have especially enjoyed them.

We all have loved reconnecting with friends. My Jackson, MS friends (from now on when I mention Jackson, I'll be referring to Mississippi and will designate when I speak of Jackson, TN) have been wonderful to come down to help get me settled and have brought cookies, cake and muffins. I've also been up to stay overnight to see the doctor. Earlier this week I had lunch with a college friend I hadn't seen in eight years and we lingered over two hours at our table.

Last Tuesday, the 21st, I visited my new oncologist, accompanied by my friend, Marilyn, a retired pediatrician. It was so good to have her with me because of our long friendship and for her medical knowledge. My Memphis doctor had told me that the new doctor was absolutely the best and it only took a few minutes to understand why he thought so. He wanted me back on Friday for more tests and again on Monday to do more testing. I learned that Dr. Thigpen, new doctor, chaired the committee responsible for the clinical trial I was in at UC Davis. For now, he intends to continue current treatment, unless test results reveal that I need to rest from the Avastin. All of his comments were extremely positive and encouraging. I've spent much time being thankful for God leading me to him.

Tommy is so happy in his new position! The children are adjusting well and Liz has interviewed twice for a position in the school system. I'm attending a presbytery generated meeting Friday at the request of the pastor and will start the ball rolling to get my presbytery membership moved here. I'll preach on July 24.

A different kind of sadness has seeped into my soul since being "home." Being with old friends, going out to eat and asking for a table for three reminds me of all the times we ate together as couples. Things that have changed, things that have remained the same both remind me of things I can't wait to tell Tom. He would love being here. We're just outside Petal on ten acres. It's quiet and peaceful. The children are in and out and the two little ones still tell me that they miss Paw Paw. They share my sadness. However, a Henri Nouwen book has helped me see things in a new light. Today my sorrow is great because the joy we shared was so great. Remembering that is beginning to crowd out some of the sadness. I'm sure there will always be an empty spot in my heart and life, but our many blessings help with the healing. Being home is one of those blessings.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-05-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

Less than a week . . .

My emotions are still on a roller coaster. There has been so much to do in the last three months with endless arrangements to be made, business to comprehend and settle, sorting and packing. I don't think I'll be ready by Thursday, but what choice do I have?

I wonder if I'm ready to walk out, close this chapter and get on with my life as a widow. It's still a harsh word--a hard situation, but I continue to remember Meredith's words: Paw Paw's in your heart. He literally fills my heart to the brim with all the memories and all his love and the tears don't flow as freely.

A couple of weeks ago I began reading through the Bible in Eugene Peterson's The Message. It seems that when I have important decisions to make God focuses my attention on Abraham and the covenant God made with him. The best promise in all of Scripture is the one where God says: I will be your God. There is none more meaningful! It is rich and incredibly full. There is nothing to dread, nothing to fear. I can be sure that God will always care for me and it's because of who He is, not what I do or don't do.

In Peterson's introduction to Genesis, his opening paragraph says: First, God. God is the subject of life. Gd is foundational for living. If we don't have a sense of the primacy of God, we will never get it right, get life right, get "our" lives right. Not God at the margins; not God as an option; not God on the weekends. God at center and circumference; God first and last; God, God, God. This is our covenant making, covenant keeping God.

God will go before me as I move.......

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-05-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

The days are speeding past . . .

and I am barely keeping pace. I think I've done a lot, then I step into a room that still has lots in it to pack. Two weeks from today I'll be somewhere in between this Jackson and Jackson, MS. The truck comes to load both houses on June 2, but won't arrive in Petal until the 7th. After I leave here, I'll go to Memphis to visit my cousin overnight, then head to Jackson to visit friends there. Monday, the 6th, we meet in Hattiesburg to close on the new house. I'll stay with the pastor and his wife until I can get somewhat organized in the new place. Unfortunately, Tommy and Liz will have a more hectic schedule since VBS begins Monday and they will need to be present for that. Oh well, they're young and energetic. None of us can believe the time has come.

Meanwhile, we continue to pray for Liz's parents and the approaching flood water. The Mississippi is scheduled to crest at Natchez Wednesday, the 25th and I believe they moved to higher ground today. They live on the Louisiana side of the river, which is lower than the Natchez side. Their furniture was moved out two weeks ago and plans were made to move to an apartment at the Natchez Children's Home when they could stay in their home no longer. The stress and strain on thousands of people is devastating, to say nothing of the loss of property.
Thank you for praying with us.

Today I went to Memphis with my two knitting friends. Not only was I ready to take a break from packing, but I also had a couple of problems that needed an expert's help. We had a great day!

Blogs may be sparse for the next few weeks as we wind down here, get moved and settled with a new address, a new e-mail, etc. I'll send new contact information to Mary when we're there.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-05-10T02:56:00.000-07:00

Holding back the panic mode . . .

Sitting in front of the computer and the TV; learning about flood conditions, when and where the River will crest; seeing the fleeing deer and the water moccasins up close and personal tends to make one anxious. Liz's parents have prepared to evacuate their home in Louisiana, just across the River from Natchez. Still they wait and pray and we wait and pray with them. Last night there was news that the crest had come to Memphis and that some of the towns in Northwestern Tennessee have begun to dry out. Water, so necessary to life, can also be very deadly.

The repair man worked diligently with his crew four days last week. As it happens, he found a few more things to fix than what I put on the original list and there were a few other "flies in the ointment" as well. Installing a new kitchen sink turned from a simple task to a two day undertaking. I lost count of how many trips Ricky made to Lowe's to get additional pipes and joints because the original plumbing seemed to have been pieced together. After two days of having no water in the kitchen, the sink was pronounced ready and the water turned back on. Unfortunately, it was not ready. The dishwasher woundn't fill , nor would the icemaker, then we discovered leaks. Finally, yesterday afternoon Ricky came back, turned the right knobs, found the leak and I was back in business. The three window ledges are pending and I think I still have a leak somewhere in the front porch roof. Surely, you remember telling your children, like our parents told you: Anything worth doing is worth doing right. Whoever "repaired" things before we got here, didn't know that instruction!

The weekend was busy. I was up by five Saturday morning to make final preparations for the yard sale. At the end of the day I told Liz that I wasn't sure it was worth the effort and she began naming the things accomplished. We forced ourselves to get rid of things, which in turn helped to organize packing efforts and what wasn't sold was picked up at the end of the day and we didn't have to deal with those things again. Those who pick up for the Paralyzed Veterans Assn. were already scheduled to stop here this morning to get clothing I had to donate.

It was Youth Sunday at church--the best service of that type I have ever attended and I've experienced MANY in my lifetime. Everyone in the group had at least one part in leading worship. Grandson Jacob accompanied on his guitar for the youth songs and for the offertory he played an arrangement of "This is My Father's World" and "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" on alto saxophone. People were blessed by his offering of music and Mom, Dad and Maw Maw were beaming through our tears. Tom would have been "busting his buttons." Later in the day I visited on Skype with Marty and the two boys and went to Tommy's for Mother's Day supper. Praise God for two wonderful children and eight special grandchildren.

I taught my last lesson for my circle yesterday. For me, it was a bit sad. Anyone who has ever shared God's Word in such a setting feels a special bond with those who come. I have been the Bible leader for the past two years and in the process we have come to know each other better, shared faith stories and learned together. What a blessing those ladies have been to me!

Now, I focus on packing, packing, packing. I was awake at three this morning. When the clock approached four and I was still lying in bed making mental lists for today, I got up, dressed, made coffee and started the day. Later, I'll be sorry. A nap has been added to that mental list.

Please continue to pray for all who have been affected by the storms and for those who remain in danger. Pray also for our family as each of us adjust to the challenges ahead. We pray, knowing that God is in charge and that He will go before us in "triumphant procession."

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-05-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

How High's the Water, Mama?

Those words from a Johnny Cash song are being repeated over and over all along the Mississippi River and its tributaries these days. Many areas have been evacuated, others are just feet from having their entire towns under water. Six feet high and rising goes the song and all we can do is move to higher ground, if possible. Where we live in Jackson, there is no danger, but we have friends and family, including Liz's parents who live just across The River from Natchez, who are watching and praying.

We have finally had a few sunny, dry days and work could begin and move forward on my house. A nice young teacher from the school where Liz teaches came two days over the weekend to trim shrubs and cut out volunteer trees in the beds. Today the man to do minor repairs on the house began his work and none too soon. When the storm windows were removed he discovered I had three rotten window ledges. Hopefully, tomorrow all the trim can be painted, the ledges replaced and painted and the window put back on. Other than having to paint the living room ceiling, nothing else will be that time consuming.

This weekend we are having a moving sale, then all my attention can be focused on packing. The first weekend in June will be here before we know it! We are still praying that Liz will get a job in the school district where we'll be living.

Several years ago a friend showed us pictures of a clear stream and told us it was the origin of the Mississippi River. I was amazed to see transparent water, calm and soothing as it bubbled out of the ground and began its journey southward. I thought of how it changed along the way. It grew wider, more forceful and muddier and muddier. Spring rains brought flooding in low lying areas, but the effects of the flooding made rich soil even richer. Some years farmers would be late planting, cutting the growing season short. Other years those same farmers might have bumper crops. People in the delta regions had an almost Epicurious attitude: "Eat, drink and be merry, because there might not be a crop next year."

In California, our friends John and Peggy, invited us to visit them at their cabin at McCloud. One afternoon we were driving around, visiting the sights and while in Mt. Shasta we stopped at a park to let the dog play and stretch her legs. (I don't know who had a better time playing in the park, Tom or the dog.) Peg and I walked over to a bubling spring, much like the picture I had seen of the origin of the Mississippi. This spring was the origin of the Sacramento River. Again, I was amazed to see something so clear and pure, all the while remembering what the Sacramento looked like as it made its way toward the sea. I told Peg that one day I would use what I had seen and the process of the river growing and changing as a sermon illustration. I have yet to do that.

The Bible is full of water stories: God holding back the Red Sea for the Israelites to cross on dry land; Jonah being thrown overboard and being protected in the belly of the whale; and how could we leave out Noah, his adventure on the Ark and the promise God made to never destroy the earth by water again? Water is essential for life--but not just any water. It has to be pure, safe for us to drink. Contaminated water brings sickness and death to many. Water is life giving, but can be one of the most dangerous forces in nature. One day I will preach that sermon using the origins and journeys the rivers take. In the meantime, I will ponder how life and the events of life mimic the characteristics of the waters of the world. Mostly, I'll be ever so mindful of the One who brings us streams of Living Waters.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-04-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

In case you're wondering . . .

*The sun is shining - - beautifully! All week the weather folks have reminded viewers that seeing sunshine between the waves of storms was not good because it warmed the atmosphere, contributing to the threat of more storms. Today the sunshine is a good thing!

*The monster storm that roared through Tuscaloosa is not what loyal 'Bama fans have in mind when they yell, "Roll Tide." A couple of FB friends have posted videos of the tornado moving through town--scary picture!

*Not to be undone, Oxford, MS, where Ole Miss is located, has reported a lot of damage there. Earlier in the rash of storms, Starkville, home of Mississippi State had damage. I'm seeing a little SEC theme here. Point being: don't plan a college tour of SEC schools during tornado season.

*Speaking of "seasons," a reporter on a Memphis TV station said this morning that May is "tornado month." Didn't know that. Do know that hurricane season comes next and we're moving eighty miles from the Gulf Coast.

*"Moving" and related activites are uppermost in thought and mind. The storms have put a halt to things that need to be done to ready the house and yard. That, of course, means the house has yet to be put on the market. Meanwhile, packing continues. You might think a wayward storm has been through every room.

*I also have one of my favorite events in heart and mind this weekend--the annual FOPC Women's Retreat. How I wish I could be present!!! My last was in 2006, a most special retreat for me and my daughter. It was an event designed by God to help prepare me for a difficult trek "through the wilderness." That's just one of the reasons the weekend is special. Add that to the fellowship of Christian sisters, sharing and praising God; the fun and laughter; the beauty of the surroundings and you have an indescribable spiritual blessing. Remembering helps today to keep my focus on our mighty God who leads us through the wilderness. He is the God who calmed my fears during the recent storms. Life is a series of wilderness wanderings, a series of storms, but God gives peace when "our minds are stayed on Him." I'm praying for you, ladies, as you travel and attend the retreat.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-04-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Sunday's almost here . . .

Soon it will be the Day of Resurrection, the day we declare that Jesus Christ is risen! But there are many who do not celebrate for this reason. It will be one of few days that people attend worship services. It will be a day that celebrated Spring and new life. Bunnies and eggs take center stage. Families gather around tables laden with food, children are decked out in their finest, Aunt Susie and Uncle Ralph bring deviled eggs and other goodies. It's easy for the reason for Easter be hidden, just like the golden egg. As you celebrate, remember to pray for those who not know the One whose resurrection is brings new life.

I was touched this morning by a post on Marty's FB page and tried all day to get the link to work so I could share. I learned from my cousin this evening that she had seen it on Marty's blog and, finally, I am able to share. The song is Patty Griffin's "Mary," and brings to mind the grief she experienced at watching her son, our Savior, suffer and die. It reminds us of the gracious sacrifice of His life. How grateful I am! Follow this link to www.canapesun.blogspot.com. "Mary" is at the end of her post.

Have a most blessed Easter!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-04-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

Broken Silence . . . Please forgive the cluttered look of the last two blogs. I space between paragraphs, but when I post, the words are all run together. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong!!! Some things are moving forward. Others are not. There seems to be something new to do every day concerning the buying and selling of two properties. Later this evening I have to complete paperwork for the mortgage folks and I'm sort of clueless! I met with a realtor who will be listing my present residence over the weekend. He was such a help and was encouraging. Now I must find someone to do some yard work to improve the curb appeal, get in touch with a handy man to do some miscellaneous chores, find one room where we can store boxes that are packed, conduct a yard sale and put the house on the market. Income taxes were prepared, but there is some strange problem with Tom's SSN. So, instead of being able to e-file, they had to be sent to me to mail manually--most inconveniet for all involved. Hopefully, my dear friend and CPA way out there in California will be able to get to the bottom of things for me. Both Liz and I are packing boxes and Tommy is working on his office at the church. The days are not long enough. I'd be way behind if I didn't have Delora to help me. She has been such a Godsend for us! She and Tom had a special relationship; they loved each other; he trusted her and I trusted her to care for him. I wonder what I will do without her. She is not only my helper, but my friend. The recent storms in my hometown area of Jackson, MS and in Raleigh where Marty and her family live have been frightening. Today's forecast is for another severe breakout tomorrow night and early Wednesday morning. When the thunder awakened me Friday morning and the sirens began about an hour later, I wasn't sure if I should get in the inside bathroom or stay in the bed an pray. Without Tom, I was more frightened--yet one more thing for which I relied on him to tell me what to do next. Last Monday I visited a podiatrist to get answers about a big toe and to seek relief. Right away, he said I had a staff infection and that the nail was digging into the toe--a direct result of a chemo drug I haven't been on in two years. Long story short, he removed a sliver of the nail and the difference in that toe has been remarkable. I went this morning for a follow up and was happy to hear that unless I had any unexpected problems I didn't have to return. Bad news is that healing will take five or six more weeks. Considering how long it has hurt and how long I have limped on it, I don't mind the length of time it will take to heal. Yesterday I worshiped in Humboldt and stayed for the luncheon that followed. It was the first I had been there since Tom and I visited the week before Christmas and I dreaded go in without him. He and I love the people so much and he thought of the church as "his" place of worship. Miss Tennessee offered special music as did one of the young girls of the church and all were moved to tears. The service closed with the most beautiful vocal arrangement of "How Great Thou Art" that I have ever heard. As I listened and reflected on words of praise from Revelation that the pastor read, my tears flowed freely. I can only imagine what it will be like to be in God's presence, but Tom is experiencing that now. I felt really selfish wanting him to be here with me when he's living where he is. Grief and sorrow deepen more with every passing day, yet I still thank God for the days we did have and for the gift of such a special love in my life. My friend Linda, who is Liz's mom replied to an e-mail I sent her with saying: "We have an awesome God who always goes before us." That is my belief, but it's always good to be reminded. "He goes before us in triumphant procession." In this week of profound sorrow that leads to a profound expression of grace and unconditional love. join Christians everywhere as we proclaim: Jesus Christ is Lord. Blessings, Pastor Margaret

2011-04-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

A day of memories . . . But first, I must correct an error in the previous post. I said that Tommy told us that "he would move without us," but that is the fartherest thing from the truth. He insisted that if we didn't move, he wouldn't move. That's why God's timing was so perfect. After watching a bit of the Memphis news station this morning, I turned off the TV and turned on the stereo. At some times I avoid certain CD's and at others, I play our favorites and bask in all the memories. Our taste covered a lot of the music world--from bluegrass to folk songs; from symphonic to choral; from Frank Sinatra to John Denver. Tom loved marches. One of his all time faves was "Pomp and Pizazz," played by Eric Kuntzle (sp.?) and the Cincinnati Pops. In fact, he played it so much we wore out the first copy and we were on the second. He liked nothing more than when Tommy and Marty's friends came to our house for the first time, than to ask if they would like to hear his marches. Of course, they had to say "Yes." Then he would put on that CD, turn up the volume and the "Olympic Fanfare" could be heard all over the neighborhood. As I sat, knitting and listening to quiter things this morning, I couldn't help but feel the big, empty void in my heart. I tried to fill it with memories we shared and realized how fast the years pass, how much we seemed to leave undone. After lunch I dressed and went to a baby shower for one of Tom's former caregivers. On the way I noticed new bright green signs in several yards, replacing the "Jesus" signs with one that says "Hope." On the way home I saw a billboard with the same four letter word. How appropriate, especially this time of year! Jesus is our Hope. Because of His sacrifice, we have hope beyond the grave. Because of His life, we have hope to live every moment trusting in God's moment by moment blessings. Because of Hope, I know I will be with Tom again. I don't know how; I don't know what he will look like; I don't know about eternity, but I trust in that Hope. A special, special friend from California called this morning. He chaired the committee that called me to Fair Oaks church and he and his late wife became family to us. We haven't talked since Tom died; neither of us wanted to cry together on the phone, but today we talked, sharing our tears and the sorrow of lost spouses. The memories of how we became friends, their coming to Mississippi to participate in my ordination, the relationship the four of us had replaced some of the void I felt. I trust it did the same for him. The week has been busy with business details and packing. Still, I took a day to go with two friends for a knitting lesson in Memphis. We all needed it for the various projects we have going! I really miss Tom when trying to work on all the endless business details. Finally, the correct marriage liscense arrived and I was able to tend to the Socail Security, thinking all the while that it would take another two months for them to respond. I was pleasantly surprised to find deposits in the bank the very next day! Income tax info was mailed to my friend and CPA. You probably heard my sigh of relief! I was happy about the things I had learned from Tom about pulling everything together, but when it came time to mail, I realized I hadn't learned enough. I miss Tom's wise counsel. On the other hand, there is another memory that makes both Tommy and me chuckle. Tom was not a "fix-it" kind of guy. As long as he lived, Dad was the person we all went to when something needed fixing. Neither, did Tom enjoy woodworking; Dad did. Tommy fixes things, does projects around the house and enjoys restoring furniture, all of which he learned from watching his granddaddy. He called earlier and told me he almost went this morning to purchase a new weed eater, but decided instead to take it apart to see if he could fix it. He found a bent washer, replaced it with a new one (from supplies he got from Dad's shop) and it works like new. I told him that I hoped Jacob was learning from him and the trait Tommy got from his granddaddy would pass directly to Jacob, not skipping a generation like it did with him. He laughed and I'm sure lots of memories flooded his mind as they did mine. In defense of Tom, he did take on projects that needed doing, attacking them with all his might--he just didn't like to. Memories are one of God's most gracious and healing gifts. I have enough to last a lifetime! Blessings, Pastor Margaret

2011-04-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

Catching up . . . As I said in the last post, this is my first March Madness without Tom. It's not quite the same. I've been watching the semi-finals today and I know he'd be pulling for, not Kentucky, but the SEC. There is no one sitting in his chair and no one cheering or clapping his hands, but I can imagine him and his responses. I thought on Thursday as I sat in the clinic in Memphis waiting on all the various things for which I was there, how much I missed him. I had never gone to an appointment in Memphis without him and I had to bite my lip to not cry, especially in the examining room while waiting for the doctor. I knew he would be holding my hand, silently praying and telling me that everything would be all right. I could only imagine. And always, before we left that room we would pray aloud, thanking God for continued mercies. This time I prayed alone. I will always miss him. The little things still make me sad. I was in Memphis Thursday for an evaluation and received good news. Dr. Reed is pleased with my response to the oral chemo once a day as opposed to being infused every other week. The new system allows me to maintain my energy level. The scans indicated no change in the disease: no improvement, but no increased activity either. Praise God! Tommy has accepted a call to be the Director of Discipleship at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Hattiesburg, MS. He will also apply for his counseling liscense in Mississippi and help begin a counseling ministry at the church. God's timing, as always, is absolutely perfect. Tom and I have encouraged him all along to be open to this call ever since it became a blip on his radar last summer, but we believed that we were not able to move with him. He continued to insist that he would move without us and we prayed for God to open the door and for Tommy to be obedient. The official phone call came the Sunday we were coming home from Tom's service. Liz, Sarah and I went to find a house(s) during Spring Break and found the perfect setting. Again, the hand of God was present and so visible. We found a place on ten acres, in the best school district, with a guest house behind the main house. We know it was the answer to many prayers offered on our behalf!! Now, we are praying for a teaching position for Liz, to sell both our houses here and to work out the details of the move the first week in June. My oncologist made a referral for me to see who he calls the "guru in oncology" who teaches at the University of Mississipi Medical School in Jackson and who also has private patients. Dr. Reed added that this doctor "knows ovarian cancer like the back of his hand," high praise coming from him. Thursday my appointment was made--another answer to prayer. I begin seeing him in June. So often we look back on our lives and remark how we can see how God was present in the midst of events. We have been blessed to see daily how God is at work--in all circumstances. There was much to share tonight. I pray that you, too, might be encouraged in your Christian walk and that you might trust God for all your needs. He is ever faithful! Blessings, Pastor Margaret

2011-03-18T17:49:00.000-07:00

God makes all things new . . .

That's a truth to grasp and hold tightly. I am trying to learn to balance new adjustments with memories. On the way to pick up Jacob at school this afternoon, I noticed a park where Tom and I had intended to have a picnic. It was only an intention--never reality. For a moment it made me sad to be reminded of one more thing that we had intended, but never did. That sadness was replaced by memories of picnics we did take--spontaneous ones and ones we planned. I've tried not to dwell on how we envisioned our retirement and the way it really was. I try to center on the all the good memories and know they are too numerous to count. I try to remember that all of life is meant to glorify God and trust Him to lead my steps.

That doesn't mean it is easy to get redirected after all these years, especially when several of those years have been taken up with caregiving. I have heard it said that one difficult adjustment is knowing what to do with the time freed up when the caregiving stops. Now I know that's true. Today much of my time is consumed with business matters. I should have kept a record of how many hours I've spent on the phone. Monday I went to circle in the morning, ate lunch with friends, got home at two and spent the next three hours trying to unravel a couple of problems. Another day I spent at least two hours trying to locate the marriage liscense, finally deciding it would be easier to send for a certified copy. Insurance was filed with an incorrect number for several claims and that necessitated getting that changed and trying to find out who was responsible. That mystery has yet to be solved. More problems. One important thing to learn from this is not to get so caught up with busy work that I don't deal with the issues at hand. Another thing is to keep good records and know where things are!

Today was a Corinth day for labs and the Avastin infusion. That doesn't take long and we were through with lunch and on the road home by about 1:15 p.m. Sunday Liz, Sarah and I are headed to Hattiesburg, MS on a new adventure. I'll say more about that later.

Tom is always in my heart and on my mind. Everything reminds me of him. Sometimes I laugh when I think of what his response might be to a situation; other times I wish I could ask him where he put something. This is my first March Madness without him and that seems odd. After all, he is the one who taught me to love college basketball. There sits Charles Barkley making comments on the game just played and I remember watching him lumber down the court when he played for Auburn against Mississippi State. Memories are good, but only if we remain alert to what new thing God might be doing.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-03-12T09:31:00.000-08:00

Good Days . . .

Last weekend was GLOOMY. Outside the weather was gray and cold, just plain gloomy. Inside, I was every bit as gloomy. I didn't raise the shades all day on Saturday and other than a quick trip to pick up a prescription I didn't leave the house. A friend from the church came by late in the afternoon to bring homemade soup and pimento cheese. That was the day's only bright spot. I didn't feel sorry for myself, but did allow myself to be sad and lonely and tell God just how I felt. He listened, just as He always does. Sunday I woke up too late to get to church on time--it was still rainy and cold. Late that afternoon I went to Tommy and Liz's for supper and the gloom lifted. When I walked in Tommy said, "Mom, you don't look like you feel well," so I told him about my gloomy two days, plus the fact that I felt silly about them. His reply was: "So, you think you're Wonder Woman and get through the stages of grief in three weeks?" Enter Meredith, who gave me a big hug and continued to give me hugs when she thought I needed one throughout the evening. The two of them broke through the gloom.

I have learned that it's perfectly all right, and perfectly natural, to be sad. There would be something wrong with me if I didn't feel lonely. Sometimes I can see Tom sitting across from me and hear him when his wisdom is needed and feel his hand in mine offering comfort in a single touch. After all, he is and will always be in my heart. I remember the message of the story I related in my last blog. God understands the pain of losing a loved one. God loved Tom even more than I; He loves me and He will heal the pain. Those are the facts. I pray that God will make them a part of me.

This weekend is bright and beautiful--no gloom in sight. Yesterday I went to Memphis with two friends. We shopped at a wonderful grocery store, went to Penzey's Spices, had a two hour knitting lesson, ate lunch and were home by four. All three of us declared that we didn't know when we had laughed as much!. I bought veal loin chops with the condition that Tommy create something delicious. He didn't let us down. Last night we had veal chops on a bed of Charleston grits, smothered with a mushroom gravy. What a feast! The only low point in the day was watching Mississippi State lose in the SEC tourney.

The knitting lesson was so much fun. I haven't knit in at least twenty years and decided to pick it up again. One particular chemo drug has created permanent numbness in my feet and fingers and off and on pain in my toes. The numbness in my fingers makes most needlework difficult and I thought knitting might be just what I needed to try. I miss not having a project in progress. A customer in the shop told me she had some kind of arthiritis in her hands and fingers and that the knitting actually was therapeutic for her. When I first picked up the needles, they felt like telephone poles in my hands, but once the teacher got me started things began coming back to me. I'm going to love my renewed activity--especially with great friends who will knit alongside me.

Speaking of the lady in the shop who told me of her hand and finger problems, God has brought many women who have either spoken a word or two about their experience with widow-hood or people like a dear California friend who wrote and told me a story that I had never known about her life, her experience with grief and how God has provided for her in every aspect of her life. Sometimes when we share something of ourselves with others we may think we are merely saying words, but the Holy Spirit uses those words in ways we cannot even imagine. I am blessed to have friends who care and who take the time to share with me.

The rest of today will be busy with a little cooking, attending a memorial service at the church and studying for two circles I'm teaching on Monday. There is plenty to keep me busy. I must not forget to be still in God's presence. He will keep me in perfect peace---in the midst of any and everything.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-03-04T06:25:00.000-08:00

February . . .

Finally, the days turned into March. February seemed four years long, rather than four weeks. It has always been recognized in our family as a month full of joyful events: an Army leave that began on the eighth, leading to an official engagement on the thirteenth, a wedding five days later on the eighteenth and six years after that the birth of a beautiful baby girl. Tom and I had much to celebrate. This year I celebrated without him. He died on the seventh. I wondered if the month would ever end. Would the end of the month and the beginning of another lessen my grief? It didn't. If anything, it seems to grow with every passing day.

A friend sent me book one in Kenneth Haugk's series, A Time to Grieve. Two of the quotes he uses describe a bit of how I feel. When we lose someone we have loved deeply, we are left with a grief that can paralyze us emotionally. . . . When they die a part of us dies too (Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey) and this one from Aldolfo Quezada: My tears are the words with which I tell God of my pain.

Sometimes I feel numb and my mind is blank. Still, little things bring tears, things like sitting in church and suddenly realizing that Tom won't sit with me again. Yesterday I emptied his daily pill container of the dose he would have taken the afternoon that he fell. For the first time since his fall I felt completely exhausted and had to make myself put one foot in front of the other. Back at our usual Thursday Bible Study, I couldn't keep my eyes away from the place where he last sat. He is physically gone and a large part of me has gone with him.

Last night I let the tears flow freely. Maybe it was a part of the exhaustion. I don't know, but that was the first time for that as well. Until now there have been plenty of teary times, but nothing like last night's release. This morning I read the above quote: My tears are the words with which I tell God of my pain.

The peace comes in knowing that God understands the pain; God cares. Several weeks ago I received an e-mail story about a little boy who called into a Christian radio talk show to tell something he had learned. He had been eagerly awaiting the birth of a calf which he would raise as his own and was overjoyed when the big day came. Somehow, in the process of birth and the immediate aftermath, the cow fell on the newborn calf and broke it's back. It was necessary for the calf to be put down and the little boy, sad as he was, said he would do what had to be done. When everything was over he thought about what had just happened and be began to pray. His thoughts turned to God's sacrifice of Jesus for us; he thought of the love God had for His only Son, a love so much greater than any we could possibly feel for another. He thought of the heart of God and how it must have been broken when Jesus was put to death. And then he realized: GOD UNDERSTANDS my grief for this calf. God understands our pain.

That is a truth that brings peace in the midst of grief.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-02-24T15:37:00.000-08:00

Reminders . . .

Today I returned to Brown Bag Bible Study, the first time I've been there since Tom fell on January 6. It would have been easier to stay home. Afterward I went across the street to the hospital to see a special friend who also has ovarian cancer. As I drove into the parking garage, I suddenly realized I'd be visiting her on the same floor where Tom was in hospice care. I dreaded passing his room and was relieved when I exited the elevator and saw her room was the opposite direction. What is it about "little" things?

While Tom was in the hospital I not only spent a lot of time reading and studying the Scripture, but I also read Psalms to him. Psalm 8 particularly spoke to me. In fact, I chose it to be used as a call to worship at Tom's memorial service. One of the things that he and I shared was a Calvinistic interpretation of Scripture, beginning with the Sovereignty of God. For us, life was about glorifying God and trying to be obedient to Him. So, it was meaningful to pray through Psalm 8, acknowledging the majesty of God and realizing once again that our almighty, amazing God cares about His creation--and not just creation, but the individuals who have been created by His hand. What is man that God is mindful of him? In the midst of a crisis, it is of great comfort to think of that God and that He cared for Tom. Related to those thoughts were some I wrote in a journal on part of a verse in Daniel.

Tom loved the book of Daniel. It was his favorite book of the Bible, but I don't think he ever told me why. Perhaps it is the Sovereignty of God so evident throughout the book. Maybe he learned from God's faithful servant, Daniel. I reread Daniel one day, partly as reference material for a Revelation study and partly because of Tom.

There, in chapter 9, is the most reassuring of verses: We make requests (pray, plead) not because we are deserving but because God is merciful (Daniel 9:18b). What is man that God is mindful of him? We are welcome at the throne of grace, not because of anything we might bring, but because of who God is.

Tom was special in many ways, but anything he might have accomplished did not matter in God's sight. God didn't care about Tom's "Citizen of the Year" award in 8th grade, nor his security clearance in the military. God was not impressed by Tom's good manners nor his thoughtfulness. His accomplishments in this life were not the basis on which God was hearing our prayers. God heard, God answered because of His great mercy for His children.

That was true for Daniel; it was true for Tom. As the hymnwriter wrote: Nothing in my hand I bring; simply to Thy cross I cling. Every day, all during the day I would go, empty handed and clinging, pleading for God's mercies.

Thank you, Lord, for your mercies. Thank your for your care for your children.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-02-18T19:46:00.000-08:00

A Day of Reflection . . .

Forty four years ago today, I married the love of my life. He was my closest friend, my lover, my soul mate and my partner in every sense of the word. We had a six year "semi courtship," more off that on, partly because nearly three years of that time he was in Munich, Germany and I was stateside. We often laughed, remembering that I wrote him while he was there because I considered it my duty as an American citizen. When we did make a decision to marry we had no doubt but that it was God's plan, executed in God's time. Both of us were headstrong and it took some doing for us to learn to live together. Years passed, our love grew and neither of us could even imagine life with anyone else.

Two particular things helped to strengthen an already strong marriage. About twenty years ago I was introduced to a booklet by Ben Johnson entitled, An Adventure in Prayer. It was written to help people learn to pray more specifically and offered suggestions to guide your prayer life for thirty days. One of the suggestions was to remember the vows you have taken and recommit them to God. To the vows he suggested, I added baptismal and marriage vows. I began to meditate/pray about what I promised before God and to Tom on the day we married. I was particularly struck by the promises to love and honor him. Of course, I loved him, but how could I love him more? I asked God to put more love in my heart for Tom. What did it truly mean to honor my husband and how did that manifest itself? My eyes were opened to things I did and said that were not loving, nor honoring and I prayed for God to change me.

The second thing that made a difference, even after twenty plus years was a conversation I had with my son. He reminded me of words said to him and Elizabeth by Joe Rightmyer, the pastor who married them. (Joe is our friend who officiated at Tom's graveside and memorial services.) He encouraged them to cherish one another. That prompted me to ponder the word "cherish" and to think about how that works in a relationship. Often I would tell Tom, "I love you more today than yesterday and less than I will tomorrow." As I reflect on our life together, I know that remains true.

Today could have been a really sad day, but every time I felt myself getting sad, I would think of Meredith and her telling me that Paw Paw is in my heart. How right she is! I can no longer reach out and touch him. I realize, with great reluctance, a word I use often to describe other women, now describes me too. I am a widow. I had to get past today and with the help of my children I did. Tommy went with me to Corinth. Tonight he, Liz and I went out to eat and Marty called when I got home. They warmed my heart, made me laugh and cry. We talked about memories and we looked ahead. Tomorrow is a new day.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-02-15T15:37:00.000-08:00

Saturday

We said our final goodbye to Tom on Saturday---or did we? Friends and family gathered at the graveside Saturday morning for the interment. It was a beautiful day, between 50 and 60 degrees, with the sun brightly shining. The minister, our friend Joe Rightmyer, spoke of hope, new life and the resurrection. Tom was buried with military honors and seeing that flag draped casket brought tears of pride to my eyes, as did the words of appreciation spoken to me by the young man from the Army as he presented the flag to me. Our grandchildren each took a yellow rose from me and laid it on the casket. Precious Meredith, held by her father, placed hers and said, "Goodbye Paw Paw." It was a dear moment.

The memorial service that afternoon was truly a witness to the resurrection and an uplifting worship service. It was everything Tom and I wanted it to be! Again, Joe's message was one that presented the gospel and gave glory to God. Special music was a jazzy arrangement of Amazing Grace, written and performed on clarinet by Marty's friend and major professor in college. The recessional was another arrangement of his for organ and clarinet for When the Saints Go Marching In." Both Joe's message of truth, hope and promise and the music put a smile on my face. In every way God was glorified.

Many friends came, offered condolences and shared memories. Each one was special and each has helped with the grieving process. We felt truly blessed by their presence.

There were a few things that could have marred the perfect day and weekend. Instead they reminded us that life goes on. Friday, Tommy, Jacob, Sarah and I left in one car and Marty, Kevin and the boys in another. Liz planned to drive down later in the day with a friend and the three other children. When they were all loaded, in the car and ready to leave, her car would not start. She called Tommy while we were eating lunch in Jackson, MS and he talked the friend through the directions to jump a battery. Saturday there was silence during the time "Taps" was to be played. We waited expectantly and watched as the soldier put his horn in the case and came to help fold the flag. The horn malfunctioned. And before we could leave the cemetery, Tommy and David, Tom's brother, had to change a tire on his rental car. We laughed, thinking of comments Tom, Jr. would have made.

The bottom line: the services honored a special man and gave glory to his God. I am blessed to have shared my life with that special man and he will always be in my heart.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-02-09T08:58:00.000-08:00

Plans

For those of you who have known Tom--always "Tommy" to me--it should come as no surprise that many plans for what would happen at the end of both of our lives were already documented. I am so thankful for that! An otherwise hard process of going through details of burial yesterday was made much easier by knowing what he wanted, what I wanted for him and the support and input of Tommy and Marty. Today I have a few errands, a few more phone calls to make and then plan to enjoy being with family.

There will be a graveside service at Lakewood Memorial Park at 11 a.m. Saturday, February 12, with the memorial service at Covenant Presbyterian Church, 4000 Ridgewood Rd. , Jackson, MS following at 2 p.m. Visitation will be after the service in the church parlor.

Thank you for the many expressions of sympathy, prayer support and the shared memories of Tom and how he touched your lives. I have always said that he, more than any other man I knew, was the man of Psalm 15.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-02-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

A New Body . . . Safe in the Arms of Jesus

The dreaded day, the day for which I have hoped and prayed finally was today. Tom passed very peacefully about four this afternoon. The last several days I have sat by his bed, holding his hand, talking, telling him what's in the news, reading psalms, praying, singing. He has shown no real response since Thursday except for grimacing when he hurt, or having Parkinson type tics because he's not had any meds. One exception: the nurses have been swabbing his mouth with a special mouthwash several times a day and yesterday he wouldn't open his mouth. The nurse said for me to try if I saw an opening anytime during the day. He was like a little boy refusing to take his medicine, clinching his teeth together so I couldn't possibly get anything past his lips.

This morning I drove to the hospital in the most beautiful snow. The flakes were big and fluffy and fell for six or seven hours. In the South, that means people stay home, off the streets. That is, we stay home after we have raided the store shelves of bread, milk, eggs and other essentials. Shopping during one of these grocery store runs can be dangerous to one's health. Anyway, no one came by the room today except the usual hospital staff and two hospice workers about noon. Tom and I were all alone in our little room and I could focus my whole attention on him. It was such a gift to have a day to ourselves. The middle of the afternoon I stretched out on the little sofa, telling him I was right there by him and needed to close my eyes for a few minutes. When I woke up after about 20 minutes, he had quit breathing. I wasn't holding his hand as I had wanted to be, but we were together.

The most beautiful statement was made to me by my precious five year old granddaughter. I went to Tommy's so I could tell the grandchildren about their Paw Paw. After I told them, Meredith crawled up in my lap and said, "Please don't be sad and cry, Maw Maw. Paw Paw's in your heart."

Memorial services will be held later this week or early next (depending on winter weather advisories) at Covenant Presbyterian in Jackson, MS. More about that later.

My love and God's blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-02-05T07:31:00.000-08:00

From my heart . . .

Marty and the bolys left early this morning to go with Tommy to Jacob's honors' band concert in Memphis. It is quiet in my house--almost too quiet.

Last night I was dull from exhaustion, tired of the ups and downs, the endless decisions. Since February 18, forty four years ago, I have discussed almost everything with Tom. He's the wise one. He's the one who always reminds me of the One who shows us the way. I don't function well without him. I dread going to the hospital to see him wasting away; I look up and see him sitting aross the room, asking "Can I get you anything?"

Hospital staff have commented about his manners. Even when his speech was difficult to understand, they could hear him express his gratidude for their help. He never let a CNA leave after giving him a bath without telling her "Thank you." One day he apologized to some friends who had been in for a visit saying, "Excuse me for not getting up." Always the gentleman! Mom would be so proud--she taught him well.

When sleep doesn't come I think of things I must do or the memories Tom and I have shared. Two nights ago the thought stuck me that waiting and walking this journey with him is not so unlike the days leading up to Vietnam. Since the moment of "I do," we knew deployment was around the corner. At first we went on with daily preparations. He reported really early to the base for more training while I stayed home and dyed his underwear green. We tried to live in the moment, but war was raging and he was on his way. The past several years, we have lived in the moment, caring for one another, just enjoying being together, knowing that one of us would get orders sooner than the other. Tom's orders came for Vietnam and we knew exactly when he would go. Today it's as if Tom's orders came when he fell four weeks ago, even though at first I thought he would recover from the surgery. Now it is different; he has his orders, but we cannot know when he will pass. I walked those days before he left for war in dread, hating to see the sun go down because it brought us one day closer to departure. These are walked much the same way. The day he boarded the plane I stood and watched with what Mom and Dad described as crocodile tears streaming down my face. I was at a loss for words, fearing that I would never see him again. How different today! I know that I will see him again and that he will be free of all infirmities, free of pain. He will be waiting in our heavenly home.

That Vietnam year taught me two valuable lessons. 1) I learned from living with Mom and Dad Suttle what it really meant to be a family. They loved me as a real daughter, not just as Tom's wife. Dad said after the year was over that as hard as the year was, we had a wonderful time--and we did. 2) The Lamentations 2 verses became the starting point of every day and have continued to be firmly rooted in my life: It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed.
They are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness!

In the midst of our deepest sorrow, no matter what, God is faithful. To God be the glory!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-02-04T18:15:00.000-08:00

The Week in Review . . .

Marty and her boys came Monday afternoon--just ahead of the rain, the dropping temperatures and the winter storm advisory. All three survived the long trip better than I thought they might. I have been so glad to have her with me and to have some activity in the house. Christopher and Colin have loved playing with cousins and it's been fun to watch them together. Tom knew Marty when she went to see him Tuesday and said her name. Since then there has been a steady decline in his condition.

Tom has not eaten since late Tuesday, nor has he had noticeable hydration since Wednesday. He only has had moisture from the swabs they use to clean his mouth and tongue. Swallowing has become a major problem. Until today he would try to say something in response to questions asked him, but now he has quit trying to even form words with his lips. He needs pain medication to be comfortable and that sedates him. The journey for him is difficult. Still, we
watch and wait, assuring him of our love, talking about special memories.

Yesterday the social worker on our hospice team came by the room. I had not met her previously. Frankly, I thought she talked too much. She began her endless chatter by explaining the death process to me, then proceeding to tell me what I need to do for myself. From there she went on to tell me how people with terminal illnesses feel, giving me pointers on how to respond to them. All the time, I'm thinking: "What ever happened to the art of listening?" I had to remind myself that she didn't know either of us; she didn't know our history; she didn't know our faith and unless she stopped talking, she never would. When I had had enough, I told her that I understood terminal illness because I had one myself and that Tom and I determined at the onset that we would live and that we would care for one another. What's more Tom had actually thanked God for the Parkinson's, praying that God would be glorified in his illness. Fortunately, she's the exception on the team, not the rule.

Today I went for an Avastin infusion in Corinth. Because I have two unexplained sores under my left arm, I promised Marty that I would have the nurse look at them. They just happen to be on the side where the lymph nodes were removed almost thirty years ago. Long story short: until two nurses and the doctor took a look, they would not treat me. Avastin slows down healing and I could choose to stop treatment for two months or could continue how I was treating the sores and be patient. I chose to keep the Avastin on schedule and be patient. After over an hour delay I received the treatment. What a day!

To add to everything else, the case manager told Marty today that Medicare will start pressuring us to find another place for Tom after two weeks--one has already passed. I don't think Tom would survive a move. Honestly, I'm too tired, too numb to think about that today. Jesus tells us to Be anxious for nothing, so I will not. Every day, in every way God is faithful to His promises. I will not be anxious and I will trust God to make the right decision when the time comes.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-30T07:49:00.000-08:00

Weariness and Strength

They are at opposite ends of the spectrum. More times than not waves of wearniness overcome me. I'm sitting, perfectly still and quiet, like a peaceful deserted beach when a wave of wearniness rolls over me as the tide overtaking the beach. I wonder how I can walk to the car, much less get up and repeat this tiring process another day. I come home to a messy house, dropping mail, my purse and coat wherever there's an empty spot. The Christmas wreath is still on the front, Christmas dishes are stacked on the dining room table waiting to be put away, the morning coffee mug sits on the counter. I remember. Major on the majors. There is so much to do and I'm torn between being at the hospital with Tom, keeping up with daily chores like laundry, bills, etc. and resting. Yesterday, late in the afternoon, just when I thought I'd scream if Tom called me one more time, I heard a voice in my head say, My strength is made perfect in your weakness. (Tom calls my name, sometimes because he just wants to know I'm there, sometimes to tell me something. His speech has deteriorated so that I have to get in his face and strain to understand what he's saying. It's frustrating for us both.) God's word came through and I knew I was trying too much on my own. I have to rely on God's strength.

So, this morning, after a good night's sleep I'm ready to shower, dress and head to the hospital.
I've had a cup of tea--simply because my coffee pot won't come on again--Tommy's already fixed it once--I'll fix myself breakfast and swallow one last pill. When I come home tonight I'll think about chores. Marty and her boys are coming Tuesday and if the remaining Christmas boxes are not taken to the attic, they'll have nowhere to sleep.

I have begun the oral chemo regimen. The first day I took the capsule, I got nauseated late in the day. Though I hate to take them, I took a pill for nausea. The next day I had to force myself to take that day's capsule because I didn't want to repeat the nausea. So far the extreme fatigue and shortness of breath have not returned. We are praying that once a day will be kinder to my body than an infusion every two weeks. God's strength is a must.

Yesterday was a beautiful day--sunshine and mid-sixties. The best part was the visit of two Mississippi friends. Tom was so glad to see them and really perked up when he heard their voices and saw them. Our sitter stayed with him while we went out to lunch together. Of course, there was much talk about Tom, etc., but also there was talk of children, grandchildren, things "back home" and shared memories. Their visit made the day--or the week--or month. It was a blessing, indeed!

Thank you, faithful friends, for keeping up and for your prayers.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

A New Room . . . is what Tom knows about where he is now. Actually, we don't know what he knows about his condition. He asked once yesterday afternoon where he is and when I said that he is in the hospital and had been there three weeks he said nothing. Today someone asked how he fell and again, there didn't seem to be any recognition of what has happened to him. Yesterday he was about as alert as he gets; today not so much. He told me when I arrived that it was harder for him to talk today. This afternoon he asked for pain meds, he was given morphine and finally settled down and slept. I ran two necessary errands and came home by 5:30.

Throw away what you think you know about Hospice Care unless you've had to admit a loved one. In the years I was blessed to be a part of Older Adult Ministry I could spew a lot of information. In the last several years the realities of growing older and living with chronic illnesses have invaded our lives. I remember talking to groups about the difficulty of giving up measures of independence and then how difficult it was to cope with Tom's reaction to the news that he could no longer drive. I have had to learn what to say "no" to and what was allowable, though the consequences might mean more work for me. But, I digress.

The Hospice team was wonderful today as they came, one by one, to introduce themselves, to ask questions, to see if we had any and to get to know both Tom and me. We were treated like people, not the patient in 989. At some time during the day I met all except one member of the team assigned to Tom. Only the chaplain was absent. I almost wept as I watched two aides give Tom a bath and change his linen. They encouraged and affirmed him and treated him with such tenderness. What a comfort to both patient and family members!

As many times as I have visited and prayed with terminally ill people and their families, it has been difficult to pray over my own husband and commit him to the Lord completely. Isn't he my husband? Don't I take better care of him than anyone else? I have promised to care for him in sickness and in health. It's a control thing that goes all the way back to Adam and Eve. To others I have recommended giving their loved one permission to let go. I have not been able to do that with Tom. He has always been such a fighter and I don't want him to think I have "given up" on him. The Hospice case manager helped me with that. After our conversation, I thought: "What's wrong with you? You and Tom have always trusted God with your lives and sought His wisdom and guidance. You need to do that now." We not only have hope, we have the one who is Hope!" I have been studying the book of Revelation as I sit with Tom and realized as never before what a beautiful picture of hope it paints. God continues to guide with His Word. He will give me the words I need to say.

One last thing. No matter how old you are, no matter whether you are married or single, do not pass "go" until you have an Advanced Directive for Health Care in place. Simple forms are available on-line and other places, or you can expand on the form and state your specific wishes. Name someone as your power of attorney who knows your wishes and who will see to it that they are executed. Such a document is a priceless gift for those who love you!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

The Tough Decision . . .

Since I last posted Tom's condition has continued to change--to the point that yesterday Tommy and I both looked at him and knew something was different. He doesn't do anything but sleep and his eyes are vacant. I was told by the neurologist that there wasn't much about Tom that is reversible--definitely hard to hear, but not totally unexpected. Our observation plus counsel from two doctors led us to ask for the paliative care team to evaluate and advise. We met with them this afternoon. Their recommendation is to move Tom to the hospice area on the oncology floor. I said the decision was tough, but it was made easier by having Tom's wishes documented in his Advance Directive. We called Marty for her input, she concurred, so tomorrow I do necessary paperwork to have him moved. If he stabilizes or if by some miracle, he improves we can bring him home which is what he prefers. I don't expect that to happen.

Last night Tommy and I had a serious, frank "discussion" with Tom. Who knows what he comprehended? After Tommy finished assuring his dad that he would care for me and how much he loved him, Tom says, "I'd like to go to the kitchen for some cookies." Of course, he was hard to understand, but he knew what he wanted! Next, we prayed for him, asking for God's healing and for God to come quickly. I spent the night because I couldn't bear to leave him. He has slept most of today and showed no expression when I kissed him goodbye and said I was coming home.

Fortunately, I don't believe Tom knows the seriousness of his condition. He may not even know he's in the hospital. He surely doesn't know that he's been there three weeks. Your prayers and concern, your FB messages, e-mails, cards and calls have sustained us. I am so grateful! We know that Tom is safe in the arms of Jesus and that he will have a new body and a new mind when God calls him home. How I'll miss him!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

A song comes to mind . . .

But, I can't think of its name. Remember? First you say you will and then you won't; then you say you do and you don't? These vague words are so descriptive of Tom's situation and, for that matter, the words and advice I'm hearing from doctors. We are fortunate with really good, caring doctors, but it's as if they are so focused on their own specialties that don't they know how the whole works together--or not.

For instance, I saw the neurologist this morning and he is not optimistic about much recovery. He sees the Parkinson's, knows how it has progressed in Tom since first meeting him in 2007 and knows from both a professional and a personal view how Parkinson's affects everything else. Before I arrived this morning, the infectious disease doctor came, saw that the white count had started going up again, so ordered a chest x-ray. I didn't know about the white count and was surprised to see the x-ray techs arrive this afternoon. Still later in the afternoon the medical doctor came and was encouraging about the small improvement steps. He spent several minutes telling Tom how important it is for him to eat to get his strength back. Maybe Monday I will talk to the social worker about discharge plans. Maybe I will and maybe I won't.

I won't go into the practically nonexistent care of today. My mother was a nurse and I know how demanding their jobs can be. However, I was not at all satisfied with today's lack of care and concern for Tom! Nuff said.

My treatment began again yesterday or the Avastin part of it did. The insurance company approved my taking the chemo drug in capsule form once a day. I'll begin that regimen when they arrive by mail the middle of next week. Our hope is that I will respond more positively taking small daily doses than an infusion every two weeks. Even after two months off, my red counts are still low. God has provided the energy I've needed these last weeks; it definitely didn't come through a good red count!

I covet your prayers for patience and that I might bear the image of Christ as I interact with all the medical personnel.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

Gradual Improvement . . . But

What does it mean? The infectious disease doctor said this morning that the white count continues coming down. The infections(?) are better and more tests are ordered for tomorrow. In the early morning Tom removed the nasal tube. We don't really know if it was a conscious act or what, but that meant no means to give him nutrition or Parkinson's meds--not good. The bedside swallow test was "borderline," meaning it had to be repeated in x-ray and when I left at five, there were still no results, leaving us to wonder if needed to have the tube reinserted. Between two and three the nurse called someone to see if she could crush his meds, put them in applesauce and administer. As soon as they were in his system he relaxed and went to sleep.

A little after noon I began to watch snow flakes outside our window. I drove home in what appeared to be a winter wonderland. The trees were beautiful and there were few signs of people walking or driving in the snow. There was only one set of tire tracks on my street. TV reports that the storm is moving on East, but with temperatures in the teens tonight, the streets will be icy in the morning. I'm supposed to go to Corinth--may have to call and reschedule.

The last two weeks have been frustrating, scarey and stressful for us as we have watched and waited for developments. I have no idea what Tom knows about his situation. It is difficult to know whether his reactions are strictly related to his current problems or if they are a manifestation of the Parkinson's. One minute he communicates; the next minute he doesn't. Sometimes he knows when Tommy and/or I are present; sometimes not. He talked with Marty on the phone; he sang with the grandchildren. When I first arrived this morning, he asked me who I was. Most of the rest of the day he rambled words I couldn't understand and could hardly hear. The one constant in all of this has been the mercy and grace of God. Never have the promises of God been more meaningful! Never has His Word been more reassuring! I continue to pray for God's guidance and God's peace in the days ahead. Thank you for joining with me.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-19T18:05:00.000-08:00

The facts as I know them:

--Tom seemed better yesterday.

--He had spoke briefly to Marty on the phone yesterday. The account is on her blog: www.canapesun.blogspot.com.

--Today the white count was down and we had an answer to why it had been high. He has a bacteria in his intestine that can be caused by high doses of antibiotic and often presents itself in persons with compromised immune systems. They are treating it with other high doses of powerful antibiotics. Go figure.

--He worked with the physical therapists and managed to sit on the side of the bed for seven minutes. That was about ten this morning. He slept the rest of the day.

--Tomorrow he will finally have the swallowing test.

--I left the hospital a little before four to do some necessary errands. We are expecting more snow and or ice in the next couple of days and I needed to be prepared.

--Liz called to say she took the children by to see him after church. They sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "Deep and Wide" and he sang along. Earlier in the day he wouldn't have done that.

--We are still living hour to hour; don't know what to expect; don't know where he might go. Our trust is in our ever faithful God who knows the answers to our questions and will reveal them in His time. We continue to covet your prayers. I often tell others that God works through the prayers of His people. Never has that truth been more evident to me than now!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-17T20:36:00.000-08:00

The vigil continues as we wait for Tom's healing. Today, as I was sitting and thinking of all that has happened, what has not happened and the information we have tried to process from the doctors, I began to wilt. A dear California friend used to call me a "Steel Magnolia" and I knew today that I was anything but. I am more like a bruised magnolia blossom that turns brown and wilts when it is touched. My body is running on adrenalin, my mind is wrung out and my heart is breaking as I watch Tom lying there.

Toward the end of last week one of the doctors discussed with me what they are concerned about in a person in Tom's condition--complications of clots, pneumonia, urinary tract etc. Today we were to have a swallowing test and see if he could follow commands, but yesterday he spiked a fever and his white count went up to 42,000. Instead of what was planned he has been pumped full of antibiotics, acquired an infectious desease doctor and had more tests. The neurologist on call this week is Tom's regular one and he knows Tom like the back of his hand. He is a very good doctor, explains things well and we have a good relationship with him. I know he will be honest and that he cares. Full recovery, because of the Parkinson's, is not realistic.

The three of us--Tommy, Marty and I--may have to make a hard decision soon. Please pray for us. Tom is the love of my life, a true gift from God.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

Keeping bedside vigil can be both tiring and frustrating! Tonight most of the frustration is gone, but the tiredness seems to have increased, though it could be a sign of relief. Tom has not awakened since his surgery Friday night and we spent Sunday night, all of yesterday and a good bit of today waiting to find out why. We learned this afternoon that results of yesterday's MRI showed that Tom suffered between 20 and 30 small strokes during surgery. The neurologist said that it was a rare complication, but said he should recover from them completely in two or three weeks. In the meanwhile, he will remain where he is. He has a nasal tube so that he can receive his Parkinson's medications and proper nutrition. I understand this development will alter recovery, but am trying to not borrow trouble from tomorrow. After all, we are taught to pray: Give us this day our daily bread.

I return to the oncologist Friday and expect to resume treatment. I have enjoyed the extra energy that has allowed me to do simple things like shop and cook and bake without getting so exhausted. Being off treatment has also provided me the energy I've needed during Tom's latest ordeal. It is just one more proof of the truth of God's promises.

We are so grateful for all the prayers offered in our behalf; the FB messages; the calls and e-mails. No one ever had such faithful and wonderful friends as we do!!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-07T21:26:00.000-08:00

A Quick Note

The last approximately thirty hours have been stressful and somewhat unbelievable. Tom fell in the driveway yesterday afternoon and broke his hip. The circumstances were crazy! We all tease him about his fixation with the Dairy Queen and how it's always been one of his favorite places. We went to Brown Bag Bible Study at noon where no one brings lunch so we usually go for food afterwards. We did that yesterday and when we finished Tom said he could go for a sundae from Dairy Queen. Somehow before we out of the parking lot, he had begun getting more on himself than in his mouth and tummy. By the time we got home he had a spoonful of ice cream in each hand. I parked on the slope leading to our garage, came inside for materials to clean him up, got most of the sticky off him and helped him out of the car. As I was beginning to wipe down the car seat, I heard a scary thud--his head hitting the concrete. He had lost is balance and fell--hard! I called 911 and Tommy and went back outside to wait. We arrived at the ER about 3:15 and were wrapped up in the "wait and see" process until about 2 this morning. ER was exceptionally busy late yesterday with trauma patients, but Tom was not high up on the triage list. He was x-rayed for fractures, scanned for bleeding in the brain or a problem in his neck. Everything was clear. Tommy kept noticing Tom grimmacing when he moved a certain way and told the doctor, at which point the doctor said we should see if he could walk-he couldn't take more than three steps. Back to CT for a pelvic scan and there they could see the fracture. Everything took forever! I got home a little after three. The nurses told me that the surgeons made rounds really early and I should either be back or leave phone numbers so he call and let me know what he proposed to do. About 9 a.m. I got a call from the floor supervisor asking for permission to do the surgery, just in case they came for him from surgery before I got there. Fast forward to 2 p.m. when we learned that it would be at least four before it would be Tom's turn. The anesthesiologist made his fact finding visit about 4:30, saying it would be another two hours at least. Bear in mind that Tom has had nothing to eat or drink since the ice cream that started this fiasco. We had turned on the Cotton Bowl and I had gone to sleep on the all purpose love seat in the room when a new doctor walked in to tell us that Tom could not have surgery until tomorrow because his white blood count was elevated. Hello!! That got my attention! I knew no one had drawn blood since I arrived at 9:30 this morning and asked why we were just learning of an elevated count and had been waiting for hours. His explanations of why the precaution went in one ear and out the other. I knew what he was saying, but it was obvious that the hospitalist folks were not communicating with the orthopedists. Not one question I had could be answered to my satisfaction, but I could do nothing. He went to the desk to order food for Tom and while there, surgery called to say they were coming for Tom. What then? Finally, the two doctors talked and Tom did have the surgery. What an ordeal!!

The actual procedure took about 30 minutes and he was back to the room in record time. The surgeon is a member of the church and he went the extra mile explaining things and telling us how well Tom did. I guess we should be thankful that the waiting was the long part and not the surgery.

God taught me a lesson during the frustrating wait in ER and again in the room today. I was getting madder and meaner by the minute, knowing what a bad witness that was. I knew that if I exhibited the anger I was feeling it would not be the image of Christ being seen. I thought of verses whose message is to be thankful in all things and began naming and thanking God for each blessing that came to mind: family, friends, prayer, the Word, medical care and so on. My spirit was calmed and my anger subsided. I told that to the doctor who delivered the message that surgery had to be postponed. He said nothing, but grinned. I pray he understood what I was saying and I pray that the Spirit of Christ was exhibited to all who have cared for Tom during the last thirty hours.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-05T17:54:00.000-08:00

Here we go again . . .

The repacking and putting away is in progress. Every year I can remember I have tried to think of more efficient ways to store things--this year is no different. The challenge will be to remember how I made changes, what's in the boxes and where those boxes are. Thankfully, no one is pushing me to get it done and I have a precious helper who goes up and down the pull down stairs to the attic. The one thing I resist putting away is the angel choir that belonged to Mom and Dad. It's one of my most treasured possessions! Except for the choir, I should be finished by the weekend.

Though I love the holidays, I also love getting back into a routine. Brown Bag Bible Study resumes tomorrow and we are both anxious to get back to the study of Zechariah. Conference rivalries begin in college basketball in January and we're ready to begin the road to the Final Four. All West Tennessee band try-outs for middle school are this Saturday and we're looking forward to taking Jacob to Collierville (just east of Memphis) where he will compete, this year on baritone sax. So, here we are, starting another year, getting back into routine things of our lives.

I wish I knew what "here we go again" means for treatment. I am still waiting for word as to when I see the doctor again and when treatment begins. On days when I don't feel really great my imagination runs wild. One day last week I was unloading on Marty and wondered if no treatment, no word from the oncologist had a hidden meaning. She said, "Do you think he's given up on you?" I replied that if he had and that was the way he practiced medicine he wouldn't have a liscense very long. She said that she only asked the question because she wanted me to hear how ridiculous I sounded. That has helped me wait more patiently for "here we go again" where the cancer is concerned.

Tonight, particularly, I share with you "here we go agains" that are at the top of our prayer list. Our friend, Susan who begain her journey with inflammatory breast cancer in 2007, learned this week that she has several spots on her lungs and is waiting for the next step in her treatment. Please pray for a miracle for her. Just before Christmas we learned of a dear California friend who had surgery for bladder cancer and of another who was to go this week to learn the extent of recently discovered bladder caner. Over the weekend we heard from a friend in Iowa whose husband has a recurrence of an abdominal cancer. They all need prayer as well.

Will we ever stop hearing of new or recurring cancers? Will there ever be a cure? Tom and I pray at every meal for the afore mentioned friends and for another Susan who lives nearby. Tom also prays for all the cancer to be removed from my body. Though we know medical statistics and probablities, we believe God is a God of miracles. I know that I may never be healed in this world and understand that complete healing takes place when we meet the Lord face to face. I hold fast to the knowledge that should healing might not happen here, that God's grace will continue to sustain me. Please be bold in your prayers for those you know who suffer any illness. And, in that same spirit of boldness, pray for a cure! I'm tired of "here we go again."

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2011-01-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

When the Rose Parade is on TV I know it must be New Year's Day. Attending in person has always been on my "bucket list." I am amazed at all the creativity and hard work exhibited. Shortly, we change channels to watch football. Wouldn't you know that three games we really want to see are at the same time? No matter. We'll be watching and cheering for Tom's alma mater in the Gator Bowl. Go Dawgs!!!

Last night as we were enjoying a quiet, candlelight dinner, I realized that for us, New Year's Eve is more about remembering than about looking forward. Maybe our ages are showing. It's not that we don't think about the new year presenting new opportunities or a clean slate, so to speak. It's just that we have such delightful memories from years past--and some memories that are painful as well.

Tom's mom loved the parades on Thanksgiving Day and New Year's. She planned her mornings around being able to watch uninterrupted. She would settle in her chair with the remote in one hand and the phone in the other so she call and remind us that "parades have started." My first thoughts when the Rose Parade came on today were of Mom. One memory of her led to another and another and another . . .

Tommy and Liz have a house full of company--nine children and five adults. In the early years of their marriage, before they had children, friends of theirs from high school and college would arrive at their house with sleeping bags and pillows for a New Year's Eve celebration. None of the friends lived in the town where T & L lived and didn't want to drive home after an evening of merriment. At midnight Tommy would call to wish us "Happy New Year," knowing that he would wake us up with his greeting. Last night, in addition to the fourteen already present, two more joined them for dinner. We had planned to stop by for a bit, but it didn't work out for us to join them.

When Tommy and Marty were teenagers, several New Year's Eve gatherings for their friends were at our house. Ingredients for the evening were simple: lots of food, soft drinks and current board games. We would play with them until about ten, say our good nights and wait to be awakened by T&M at midnight with "Happy New Year." One year the youth group sponsors decided the party should be at their house instead of ours. What they didn't realize was that it really wasn't a church function. Our youth group was one big family that attracted others of T&M's friends and they gathered at our house for a party. That happened a lot, not just on New Year's Eve and last night I remembered that group of young folks, how special they were--and are today! Some of them were among those who celebrated with Tommy and Liz at their "spend the night" parties and one of the adults at their house last night was included in both of the earlier celebrations. I didn't wait for Tommy to wake me last night. I called him at 10:45 to say "Happy New Year" and that I was going to bed. Why didn't I think of that before?

That may be too much information, but thinking back reminded me of the friendships begun and nurtured in the youth group. It reminded me of individuals in the group, where they are today, what they are doing and how those friendships have lasted. I am thankful for our children's friends and thankful we are privileged to be included in their circle. I am thankful for a special youth director who was at the heart of the group. He remains close to them.

The holiday season of 1981 has been referenced recently when I wrote of our experience with a breast cancer diagnosis and surgery just three days after Christmas. In those days, that was not "drive through" surgery, but one that kept you hospitalized several days, so I was still in the hospital on New Year's Eve. That was the day pathology reports were shared and Tom planned to have two dear friends spend with me. Sybil came to spend the afternoon and Marilyn arrived in the early evening to spend the night. I will always be touched by the thoughtfulness of his arrangements and the sacrifice my two friends made to be with me that day. I still smile about an event of the afternoon. On that particular day patients from one wing were being transferred to another so deep cleaning could take place. Early in the afternoon, housekeeping took all my personal belongings to my new room and said someone would be back for me. Sybil and I visited, not paying attention to the time. About 5 p.m. an orderly entered my room, did a quick about face and left. We heard him in the hall stating, "There's someone in that room!" The staff had forgotten to move me. Later, Marilyn and I feasted on peanuts and popcorn in my new room. Tom had brought some for the nurses' station and for us to eat while we talked and watched football. It was an in-hospital slumber party. Those two friends helped me more than they will ever know. They continue to be a most important part of our lives. They came to California after cancer surgery there and they and their husbands come often to Tennessee now.

Precious memories come to mind at the close of this year. One memory leads to another and each reminds me of the One from whom all blessings flow. The new year has begun; we don't know what it holds. The slate is blank; the opportunities are many. I trust that this time next year we will have added to the precious memory bank. God bless you in the coming days!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-12-28T19:33:00.000-08:00

The year was a blur . . .

We spent Christmas 2009 with Tom in the hospital and began 2010 with him in the nursing home. He had taken a definite turn for the worst and wondered if he would ever come home again. God, in His mercy, answered our prayers for improvement and he came home the first week in February. His condition is definitely deteriorating, with bad days outnumbering good days. Still, we have had some great times together and with our family.

Marty, Kevin and their three came for a visit around Easter and we were able to spend a long weekend with them in November when we went to Raleigh so I could baptize Colin. Marty has introduced me to Skype so we can visit "face to face" to see how the boys are growing. Mallory is in her first year of high school--hard to believe. Being around the corner from Tommy and Liz means sharing ordinary days, holidays and birthdays. I have loved watching Jacob develop his musical abilities and the two younger girls learn how to play together. Drew is very consciencious with his school work, but not so much in keeping up with things. I wonder if we have an "absent minded professor" in the making. Sarah helps both her mom and her dad around the house and is really good with her little sisters. I haven't cooked with her so much this year, but hope to resume that soon. They are all growing up too fast to suit me.

Our holidays have been relaxing--for the most part. I've enjoyed baking and having food to share. We had friends for dinner a couple of weeks ago and they brought beautiful pictures of a three month trip they took to Alaska in the summer and another about ten day one to South Africa in the fall. The travelogue was especially meanigful to Tom and me since we don't travel so well any more. Christmas Eve we had Tommy's family, plus Liz's mom and dad for dinner; I took stollen and ham biscuits to add to Christmas breakfast at Tommy's and went back that night with a plate full of goodies. I have made enough biscuits in the last two weeks to feed a small army! It was the right decision to start ordering 25 pound bags of flour from King Arthur.

One of my favorite things about Christmas is mail time. I love seeing pictures of children and grandchildren; I love hearing what everyone has been doing; I love knowing of others' lives. I am reminded of how grateful I am for friends and how I need to pray for each one. We were saddened one day to see the names of two who had special places in our life in a list of memorials. One was the name of the lady who was my mentor/friend when I did my Christian Education fieldwork and the same lady who arranged the first date Tom and I had with each other. The second was a friend with whom we shared lots of memories.

We learned in early December, 1981 that I probably had breast cancer. We kept the news to ourselves except for family and very close friends until the Sunday after Christmas--I was scheduled for a biopsy on Monday. I remember sitting in the living room while usual, traditional things happened all around us. Tommy was twelve; Marty was eight. I was aware that I might be spending my last Christmas with them and I was both sad and afraid. Here we are almost 30 years later and I am more aware than ever that each Christmas could be the last one that our family is together--in spirit, if not in body. The difference today is that I don't observe; I don't just let it happen. I am determined to participate and love every minute. This year I am especially grateful of the rest from treatment; I am grateful for energy to go to the grocery; I am grateful that I have learned to sit while doing many kitchen tasks. I am grateful for friends and family who don't listen to me when I tell them "I can do it myself." I am grateful for a husband who keeps on trying and keeps on loving and keeps on remembering the vows we took.

There have been some rough days when Tom's illness has taken over, when he has been too confused to know the difference between day and night. He gets a new scrape or bruise almost every day. We get impatient with one another, but have learned to talk about things as best we can, say "I'm sorry" and move ahead. All the time I know that he probably won't remember what we said.

None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. This may be the last Christmas many of us spend with our families. We just don't know! It's as the gospel song says, "We do not know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future." That is our hope; it is our assurance!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-12-21T19:57:00.000-08:00

All Things Bright and Beautiful

The Lord did indeed make them all! Ours has been a wonderful Advent season, highlighted by Tuesday noon services at the church we attend. Guest musicians have provided special music and guest ministers have led in Advent devotionals. After each service we have gathered to share simple lunches in the fellowship hall and the visiting around the tables has added to the day. Sunday, a week ago, the choir presented their annual cantata during the worship hour. Frankly, I have never liked for the music to take the place of the spoken word, but I'll have to say that the music that morning was absolutely glorious. Scripture readings began with the Creation in Genesis and continued through God's plan for our salvation and the birth of Jesus. This past Sunday found us headed to Humboldt to worship with our friends there. One delightful lady was celebrating her 96th birthday and the church had planned a little surprise party for her after the service. The minister's text was the Matthew 1 story of Joseph's learning of Mary's pregnancy and his response. The delightful part was that she assumed the character of Joseph and dramatically shared in first person. It has been a season of anticipation and thanksgiving for the gift of Jesus.

Together Tom and I have baked, shopped, decorated and enjoyed friends and family. The one thing that hasn't been done is no Christmas cards have been sent. My address list got stuck somewhere between the old and new laptops so I have been carefully recording addresses as card come to us. Yesterday we went to Memphis to shop in two specific stores: a men's store for Tom and Penzey's spice store. My cousin met us at Penzey's and the three of us went to lunch. It was nice to enjoy excellent service, cloth tablecloths and napkins and great food. We had a wonderful visit as well. Tom, of course, listens more than he talks--we don't give him much opportunity, if you want to know the truth.

Last night as we approached our house I noticed the porch light was on and remarked that someone had been here. Then when as I prepared to make the wide swing to get into our garage we saw both Tommy and Elizabeth's vans. Tommy had bought us a tree and the two of them were busily setting it up when we arrived. (There was a tell tale trail of evergreen needles from the back door into the living room.) Liz, who I have desiganted as the "light queen," put the lights on and we began putting on the ornaments after they went home. I don't know who gets the most joy out of this experience that they duplicate each year.

Tonight we celebrated Meredith's fifth birthday. She was not quite a year old when we moved here and today she is a delightful little girl, full of imagination and affection for her family. Big sister Sarah had the stomach bug and had to miss the party, but Mimi, Liz's mom, was able to join us by Skype. Modern technology is something else!

More cooking follows--and of course, more eating. We are so blessed to have family and friends and we have loved hearing from many and seeing pictures. We wish you the most wonderful of Christmases full of hope, peace, joy and love made possible by the gift of Jesus.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-12-11T09:57:00.000-08:00

Cancer

Cancer and its effects have been on my mind this week. It started as I thought about Marty visiting her friend Susan in DC. (I actually have two Susan friends who have cancer and from time to time I have asked you to pray for them.) Well, the DC Susan is Marty's oldest and dearest friend who was diagnossed with inflammatory breast cancer three years ago when her younger son was about three months old. More often than not, this particular breast cancer is a killer. Susan underwent agressive chemo and radiation, went into remission and then had a bilateral mastectomy and hysterectomy. She resumed work from home doing special projects for NASA (she's an astro-physicist), started a blog for moms with cancer and became quite vocal as an advocate for breast cancer awareness, particularly the kind she had. Then this past spring she heard the dreaded words from her doctor that cancer cells were discovered in lymph nodes under her arm. Back she went for more radiation and was put on an oral chemo drug which has wreaked havoc on her body. Still, she mustered the energy for Marty to visit along with her two boys for three or four days last week. Monday the oncologist recommended they stop the chemo because of the toll it was taking repeat scans in January to see if the drug has wiped out the cancer. Susan, naturally, has had some questions about the doctor's recommendation.

Then came the announcement on that very Monday that treatment had been stopped for Elizabeth Edwards. Most of us who heard that understood that her death would be emminent, but were somewhat surprised to learn that she died Tuesday morning. She was a brave woman who chose to live with her disease rather than to await her death. She was also a high profile person who endured the public humility of her husband's infidelity. Her grace and dignity in the midst of her suffering most certainly will be the legacy she leaves. I can only wonder if she had questions about her decision to stop treatment when she did.

Mrs. Edwards's influence will be felt across the country. Susan influences many daily as she blogs, as she shares in the scientific community and as she continues her life as wife and mother. She, too, has a large audience. Many more of us have much smaller circles of influence, but no matter how known or unknown we are, we have family and friends who love and support us and who pray for our healing. Cancer is no respector of persons!

My other friend, Susan who has ovarian cancer, faced new decisions regarding her treatment recently. There were questions as to the best course to take. Was she making the right decision? How would it affect her life? Would the new treatment be more effective than the previous one?

The events of the week raised questions for me as well. My last treatment was November 19 and have not actually been told when they will be resumed. They were stopped so that my body could have a much needed rest, but I can't help but wonder if there is something I don't know. Are we about to face the decision between quantity and quality? How much will be have to play "catch up" when I begin again? How much ground will have been lost, if any? Will we enjoy aa period of remission? There are always questions. We all have them.

I hate cancer. I hate what it does to its victims. I hate, especially, what it does to family and friends of those who have it. My heart aches when I remember Tom hearing, not once, but several times about the cancer in my body; it aches when I remember having to tell our children and it aches when I remember the look on Tommy's face when the doctor told us that the disease is incurable and predicted how long I'd live--even though he was wrong with his calculations. These are the things that make me sad.

I am sustained by the knowledge that God is bigger than any cancer and as one Susan reminds me, He is on duty 24/7. The heartache shrinks when I remember how blessed I am to have such a loving, caring husband, children and other family who express their love and concern in too many ways to count and friends far and wide who stay close. There will always be questions, but we need not fear when we trust such a faithful God as we have. During this Advent, as we prepare to celebrate the coming of Jesus, I am especially reminded of the hope, peace, joy and love He brought.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-12-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

Anticipation

It's really cold outside--hasn't gotten out of the thirties yesterday or today and Johnny Mathis is entertaining us with "It's Beginning to Look Alot Like Christmas." Anticipation is mounting.

I am missing posting Advent devotionals this year, but I simply didn't start writing early enough to meet the deadline to have them printed. I have been using a booklet my one of my favorite writers, the late Henri Nouwen and today we went to the noon Advent service at our church. Each Tuesday during the season there is a service featuring special music and a guest minister. Today our organist presented the music playing an original composition and two hymns he and the guest minister had written. After we had sung the hymns, he improvised on the tunes. He closed with an arrangement of "Joy to the World." It was a special worship service followed by a soup luncheon in the fellowship hall.

Little by little I've been getting out our Christmas things and am surprised almost every time I open a box. Last year I didn't feel like getting out much, then Tom went to the hospital and I was glad I hadn't. I had forgotten where I had stored some things and in some cases, even forgotten I had something I found. We love our old decorations and the memories they hold, but it's fun to add new touches too. The hard part is remembering where things are! If I put something out everyday, I should be through decorating by the time it's time to put it away again.

Yesterday I made a family favorite, cherry refrigerator cookies. They aren't necessarily just for Christmas but are full of red and green candied cherries so they fit the color scheme. Traditionally, I make stollen and lemon muffins for Christmas breakfast so will probably do those next and put them in the freezer. If I cook something everyday, we should have lots to eat and lots to share. That works for me.

Our front bedroom looks like the North Pole with piles of both wrapped and unwrapped gifts. Liz does the Black Friday thing, making periodic stops throughout the morning to drop off her "finds." This year Marty had some of her gifts sent here for me to wrap and they add to the piles. Somewhere in all of that are the things I have to get in the mail. If I wrap a few everyday, we should be organized and ready.

Had the oncologist not given me a month free of treatment, not much of the above would be taking place. What a gift! It adds to our anticipation of the celebration of the birth of our Saviour. We are full of hope, peace, joy and love: hope because of God's grace; peace as we trust Him for our every need; joy that comes from knowing that we are God's children; and love for all our family and friends. We wish for you those things as well.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-11-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

Just Lazy . . .

Blogging has not been a priority lately. Maybe my lack of computer in October pushed me out of the habit. Or it could have been that my brain was on overload. Whatever. When I looked at the date of my last post I was surprised that it had been two weeks and I've missed you.

During my weeks away, we have celebrated my 70th birthday, had Thanksgiving and partially celebrated Liz's birthday which fell on Thanksgiving day. She braved the crowds for Black Friday shopping and though I didn't leave the house, I had a credit card number stolen--and used. One of the reasons for brain overload was my trying to get Advent devotionals ready in time. I didn't make it, but at least I'm a step ahead for next year.

Another day I participated in a program for an older adult luncheon at the church. It didn't require major preparation because I've done this one many times, but I did have to get organized. We called it "Gifts You Give Your Children" and focused on end of life decisions, funeral/memorial service plans and documenting your life, especially your spiritual life. I enjoyed doing it and came away with ideas for future activities.

The highlight of the day was when the church playschool children walked quietly through the fellowship hall where we were having lunch. Elisa saw us and immediately said, "Maw Maw, Paw Paw" loud enough for everyone to hear. You know that tickles us! Next whe looked the other direction into the kitchen and saw her daddy and in an even more excited voice called his name. A friend said she had never seen such a grin on Tommy's face. Her reaction made me think about a book I gave Tommy on his 21st birthday. I think the name of it is I'll Love You Forever and it tells of a little boy's birth, his life in his family and how the mother was always there to care for him, saying, "I'll love you forever." The illustrations show the mother holding him in her arms, lifting him when he couldn't lift himself. Toward the end, the roles reverse when the boy becomes a man and cares for the mother, holding her and lifting her when necessary. I am experiencing that role reversal. As I saw the looks on Elisa's and Tommy's faces there was nothing but love, acceptance and trust in their eyes. I had this thought: our children really cannot comprehend the love we have for them until they have children of their own. It's a special thing to see your children with theirs, to see the love you have for them reflected on their faces as they care for their children. We give thanks everyday for our children and their families!

Advent begins tomorrow. I trust it will be for you a time of anticipation, of hope, of peace, of joy and of love as you look forward to celebrating the first coming of Christ.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-11-13T12:24:00.001-08:00

Lots to Share . . .

Tom, Tommy and I were in Raleigh this time last week for Colin's baptism. We left on Thursday, spent the night in Ashville, North Carolina and were greeted at breakfast that there had been snow at 6 a.m. Fortunately, it was gone by the time we were ready to resume our travels. We arrived in Raleigh in time to meet with one of the associates at White Memorial Presbyterian Church where Marty and Kevin are members. Saturday we awakened to a slow, steady rain, but it didn't prevent our going downtown to eat a BIG country breakfast at Big Ed's, a Raleigh favorite. The baptism was at the 9:30 a.m. service on Sunday and was followed by lunch at Marty's for family and friends who were present. Sunday night Marty and Tommy went to the store where Tommy planned dinner and bought what was needed. He prepared a real feast! Monday we headed home, spent that night in Knoxville and were home by 1:30 p.m. on Tuesday. The trip was wonderful, but really tiring. Tommy did all the loading and unloading and all the driving, plus numerous other things to help. I don't know how we could have made it without him! I may be as hard headed as ever, but not as tough as I think I am.

Colin is just over nine months old and weighs a solid twenty four pounds. Both he and Christopher had colds, but nothing could keep him from smiling. During the service I made a few remarks about baptism, asked the usual questions, then took Colin in my arms to administer the sacrament. He smiled and watched every movement I made as I touched his head with the water three times and welcomed him into the Covenant Family of God. He kept that precious smile all the while the associate walked down the aisle to present him to the congregation. Once again, I am reminded of the privilege it is to baptize a child, but especially your own grandchild, and the responsibility we all have to teach them about our amazing God!

Trees along the way were dressed in their fall finery--a bonus for us. Since we've been back to Jackson I've noticed how much trees in town have changed just in a week. The crepe myrtles are a brilliant red and yellow orange; the dogwoods are a softer shade of red; the Bradford pears are multi-colored; and the maples and a tree I don't recognize are splendid in various shades of yellow. This morning I spotted a big ghinko that is bright yellow, but know it will have dropped many of its leaves by morning because of much needed rain we're getting today. I do love fall and all its colors!

Thursday we went to Memphis for scans, bloodwork and a visit with the oncologist. We both were a little apprehensive, mainly because my CA125 has been slowly rising and the extreme fatigue. Dr. Reed told me: "The disease is stable--it has not decreased, but neither has it increased. In your situation and as your doctor I want you to know that this is a good report." I could hardly concentrate on his words for offering my silent thanks to God. Dr. Reed also asked if I'd like to take a brief treatment break to let my body mend some. So, right now I'm enjoying an eight day rest from treatment and will resume next Friday. Yesterday I called to get the CA125 number and learned that it has gone down three points since last month. Getting back on the Avastin has definitely helped. God constantly amazes me with His grace and goodness!

It was a BIG week--spending time with family, baptizing Colin, getting good news. We are so blessed!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-10-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

Finally Back

Last Saturday I picked up my new laptop at Office Depot and I've been struggling learning the differences in it and the former laptop. I was so used to the one I had!

Let's see if I can give you a brief update on our October activities.

Did I tell you that Tom joined a fitness center and is working with a personal trainer two days a week? He is doing well and I know it is helping him.
On the negative side, he gets more disoriented and less functioning as the afternoon turns to evening. Parkinson's is so unpredictable!!
The cataract surgeries have done well and we look forward to seeing the opthamologist this week for a final time--we hope.
I was able to resume the Avastin, but thus far have not noticed any good it's done. My blood pressure has risen, but it's being controlled by medication. My red blood count is creeping down necessitating shots in an attempt to prompt cell production. The CA125 is creeping up. I will go to the Memphis office in another couple of weeks for scans and for my monthly visit with the doctor. Please pray for a positive visit.
The past two Sundays I filled the pulpit in Humboldt, taught Sunday School the week before that and began this year's PW Bible Study in Revelation. (Next, I begin work on the Advent devotions for our church here--have to get busy fast or won't be ready.)

Not only has the blog drought been broken, but the rains finally returned this past week. With the rain came cooler temperatures and it's beginning to feel and look more like fall. Tom and I have begun our periodic runs downtown to check out the ghinko trees lining the streets--not much yellow showing yet. A friend took us by the West Tennessee Experiment Station yesterday afternoon to see a huge one there and it had one yellow branch. The interesting thing about it, however, is that its trunk is a series of interwoven trunks, the like of which I have never seen. They also erect a big pumpkin display yearly and we enjoyed that as well. I love fall.

This coming week we are making our long awaited trip to Raleigh to baptize Colin next Sunday. We covet your prayers as we travel and as we welcome another covenant child into the Covenant Family.

Very shortly we anticipate the arrival of five costumed Suttles so they can trick or treat at our house before going to visit with friends in a neighborhood that has more children. They had Trunk or Treat at the church Wednesday night and with tonight's outing I decided they had enough candy so I'm packaging grapes and wrapping some pieces of cake I made especially for them today. At least the grapes are healthy. I'd best go busy myself getting things ready.

I've missed visiting with you and hope you are all well.

Blessings,

Pastor Margaret

2010-10-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Status Report

In case you wonder where I am and what's up, my computer is about to die on me and it's rather awkward to type with one hand while holding the cord in place with the other. Hopefully, I'll be back in business in a few days. Til then.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-09-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

Ups and Downs

We all have them. Some have more ups than downs; some more downs than ups. And, with some you can't tell the difference. It could be a matter of perspective. It could be one's circumstances; it could be one's age; it could be how long the circumstances have been endured. I don't know much, but I do know that we have good days and we have bad days. Shoot, we have good hours, followed by bad ones. One minute Tom can be up and going, alert, anxious to get on with things. The next minute he may be disoriented, weak and shaking inside. I guess that's the nature of Parkinson's. This week we've been more up than down, though I am still plagued by aenemia that manifests itself in fatigue and shortness of breath--more than anything, that makes me mad.

Let me tell you what Tom did this week. He had called a fitness center last week for information and Monday he announced he wanted me to take him so he could see firsthand what they had to offer. We went, signed him up for four months and made an appointment for Wednesday to talk about personal trainers. He wants to regain some strength and weight and is determined to do everything he can to improve his condition. Neither of us is in denial. We know what Parkinson's does to the body, but we also know the research that supports the positive effects of exercise on PD patients. He starts with his trainer Monday.

Tuesday we went with a group of older adults from the church to spend some time at the river house of one of the members. We are very near the Tennessee River and there are many lakes, creeks and the like associated with the river. the house where we went is located on Lick Creek, at Parsons, TN, the sight of a Civil War battle. Most of our group enjoyed a ride on the pontoon boat, while the rest of us chose to remain at the house to visit and get lunch ready. Tommy had prepared his own version of pulled pork and others of us fixed slaw, potato salad, baked beans and dessert. After lunch I taught several how to play Chicken Foot, a domino game, in case it's not familiar to you. What a good time we had!

On the way to the house I noticed a field of cotton so full of open bolls needing to be picked that it looked like snow. The sight made me think of two things, completely unrelated. First, I thought of the Bible verse that tells of the "fields that are white unto harvest." No matter how many churches dot our landscape, no matter how many profess to believe, there are many remaining who need to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That personal relationship is so much more than putting our name on a church register. What can I do to help with the harvest?

The second thought was of a tee shirt friends gave Tom one Christmas we lived in California. The shirt is white with a dark gray design of a cotton field. The caption reads: "Ski Mississippi." Any time Tom wears that shirt I imagine cotton in the fields at all its stages--each one is beautiful. The only stage that is not so beautiful is when the picker has done its job and all you see are brown stalks with white leftovers. Did those cotton scraps not quite measure up? Did they miss the bus? What will become of them? It seems like a waste. Nevertheless, it's only cotton. What if we went through the "fields that are white unto harvest" and ignored the ones who cling to the stalks, the ones that are left and ignored?

Tomorrow is Corinth--no visit with the oncologist, just infusion. We keep praying for healing, but these days I especially pray for a good attitude and for patience to stay the course. Will you join us?

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-09-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

Fall in the South

This has always been one of my favorite times of year. I love the cooler temperatures, the changing colors, the falling leaves, the way the shadows fall at the end of the day and I love high school and SEC football.

I love the Farmers' Market in the fall. This morning I hurriedly dressed for a quick trip to check on fall offerings. The nearby Mennonite community sells large pots of mum in a variety of colors for $5 each. I wanted one of every color, but decided on yellow: two for the front porch and one for Kia, our helper. Next, I spotted someone selling pears and apples and bought a few pounds of each. Our stash of apple butter and pear honey has been depleted and it's time to make some more. You know what I'll be doing next week.

Tom has been working in the yard this week, trying to trim bushes and get rid of privet hedge. I've decided privet is like sin and cancer and possibly kudzu. Once they start growing, get a foothold, they are hard to stop. Cutting back privet doesn't help; that only encourages growth. You have to REALLY cut it back, saturate the stumps with deadly chemical and pray for the best. Sounds like cancer and its treatment to me! Sin, too, needs to be completely eliminated and the remaining parts treated with daily doses of spiritual medicine. Kudzu may be unstoppable. In any case, privet, sin and cancer all call for drastic measures. We're out to get them all!!

The good news of last week paled a little this week. That one infusion of Avastin last Friday sent my blood pressure right back up again. I've been on a med to bring it down and keep it at a desirable level, but the insurance people, in their infinite wisdom, disallowed it and sent a substitute. I've not yet started the sub, but according to the literature, the side effects are many. Why would they change something that works perfectly well? Oh, well. It's part of the journey. Our prayer is that a safe blood pressure level can be maintained and that the Avastin will reverse the progress of the cancer. That's a lot to ask, but not too much for our God.

Now I must tear myself away from football and my comfortable chair to satisfy Tom's lunch craving--good ole' West Tennessee barbeque. Only Tommy's can beat it!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-09-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

A Banner Week

This past week was full of doctor stuff with four out of five days finding one or the other of us being seen for something. That seems to be more and more the norm--not a complaint--just a statement of fact. Most of our appointments were in connection with Tom's cataract surgeries: Monday we did follow up on the first surgery; Wednesday was the second eye and Thursday was the first follow up to the second surgery. The doctor seems to be pleased with his work and with Tom's progress, though it will be a little longer before the final correction for his sight. Right now he's experimenting to see whether he sees better with his glasses or without. I suspect it's a little frustrating, but he doesn't complain.

Friday we learned that the Avastin could be resumed. My blood pressure was the lowest it's been since Avastin was introduced over a year ago. Hopefully, medication will help maintain it so I can continue the Avastin. Also, my red cell count had improved by 2 tenths of a point--not much, but it did go up and not down. You can bet we've said many hallelujahs and praise the Lords!

There are hints of fall in the air--falling leaves, a few trees beginning to turn, football. I love the way the shadows fall in the late afternoon this time of year. Still the daily temperatures promise to remain in the mid-nineties. I'm ready for cooler weather!

After a week such as we've had I ponder all the ways God has blessed us. His blessings never cease; they just keep coming. It is humbling when I consider how truly unworthy and undeserving I am. God's blessings are such a demonstration of His unconditional love for His children. I am unworthy, undeserving, but oh so grateful!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-09-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Too Good to be True

We have just returned from the most wonderful weekend with our church family in Jackson, MS. Covenant Presbyterian Church celebrated its 50th anniversary this past weekend with much visiting, remembering, food and a glorious worship service yesterday morning. I cannot begin to write how special everything was.

At the Friday night banquet we were seated with some who had served on staff together in the late eighties. Joe Rightmyer, former senior pastor, had driven over from Dallas with his wife and daughter; Bill Ballou, former youth director, came from Memphis with his wife and daughter; Kathy Kenne, former children's director, flew in from a mission trip in Kenya that afternoon and was perky and pretty as ever; Will Jones, former custodian and faithful follower of Jesus came with his son. Later we saw other former staff members--Stewart Edwards, now president of French Camp Academy and former youth director and Robyn Farber, former children's director and mother to three beautiful daughters, one of whom was there also. Sitting around that dinner table brought back lots of memories of sitting in staff meetings together long ago. Especially I remembered how energizing it was to be with Joe, Bill and Kathy at our afternoon chocolate seeking or yogurt craving outings to discuss upcoming ministry events. We planned and laughed and fed off each other. What a staff! What wonderful friends!

The Saturday luncheon provided opportunity to see more friends and to be brought up to date on some who could not be there and to be reminded of the history and ministry of the church through the years. I was given an opportunity to tell something of what has been going on with us in the years since we left "home." Being in front of people to speak is not difficult for me, but I'll have to say Saturday's remarks were the most difficult I've ever had to deliver. I was not prepared for the emotion that overwhelmed me when I stood at the podium and looked out into the faces of those who have nurtured both me and my family, who have encouraged and affirmed the ministry God has given me and who have literally shared most of my life. I was so scattered that the carefully thought out remarks disappeared.

We had been told that the sanctuary had a "new" look and that we wouldn't believe it. That was an understatement. I was amazed at the transformation and the beauty of the worship space.
Covenant has long been noted for the quality of its music ministry and yesterday's offering was wonderful. The angels in heaven were no doubt singing along! Again we saw friends who had not been present at other events. We were packed into a pew with special friends, son Tommy and grandson Jacob.

Tom and I stayed with special friends, Glen and Marilyn Graves and had such a good time relaxing and catching up. Saturday afternoon they took us on a tour of downtown Jackson so we could see recent developments and how the city has changed. Now, if the city would only resurface the streets!!! Saturday night we stayed in, enjoyed a tasty dinner that the Graves had waiting just in case we didn't want to go out and watched a little football. There is nothing like good friends, good food and the comfortable, sustaining feelings that come when being together.

Having Tommy and Jacob with us was a bonus. Tommy did all the driving and watched over Tom and me like the protector he is. They stayed with Liz's brother and his wife (who, incidentally, was Jacob's first and favorite babysitter) and three little boys. That gave them opportunity to visit with family and be part of the celebration as well. It was quite a weekend for us all!!

This morning the emotions are mixed. Memories of the weekend have my spirits lifted above the clouds. I am grateful for the blessings God has given us through the years, yet I miss being surrounded by the "cloud of witnesses" known as Covenant Presbyterian Church.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-09-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday . . .

Yesterday was a serendipity kind of day. I had not been to the grocery store in three weeks--no bread, a few eggs, no milk, no lettuce. Thank goodness for a freezer and for leftovers. Still it was time to make a trip and it was the first Wednesday of the month meaning a five percent savings for senior citizens. I had a plan--had, being the operative word. Kia had to leave for a little while, but was coming back to go with us to the store. Tom had another plan. His involved no extra help. I knew it was a mistake to engage his plan and not mine, but I also knew that was not a battle I wanted to fight at that time.

I had a good talk with myself before we went. I would be patient; I would not raise my voice when he couldn't find things on the shelf; I would be glad he wanted to go and could help even a little bit. He pushed a shopping cart behind me as I motored up and down the aisles--it's a good thing those motorized things stop on a dime! His ideas didn't always jive with the list I had, but it didn't matter. Only when he picked up the wrong sugar did I send him back to exchange it for what I intended. We were doing fine until check out when I realized that it was almost one, we were in the line with a brand new checker and we had a doctor's appointment at 1:10 p.m. In order to save time, I handed Tom the car keys when the groceries were all in the cart and suggested he go begin putting things in the car while I helped correct some mistakes made in the ticket. I could see our car in the first handicapped spot right outside the door, but I couldn't see Tom. When I finally did get outside I spotted him two rows over and in the middle of the lot. It was so noisy it was hard to make him hear me, but I guided him to our car, we loaded the groceries and headed home to put frozen things away. It was 1 p.m. Fortunately, we live close to important things like church, grocery store, drug store and doctors' offices! We made it to the office at 1:12, waited a few minutes and were taken back for his check up.

While we were waiting for the doctor Tommy called to see if we could possibly get Jacob from school. I said we could if we weren't long with the doctor. We finished up, came back home to unload more groceries, put drops in Tom's eyes and off we went to get Jacob. Of course, we'd had no lunch. Jake and I usually get ice cream when I pick him up and Tom and I decided that would do for lunch. We went to a place in town that has been designated as one of the ten best ice cream parlors in the US. None of us had been and had a good time walking around see all the "treasures" for sale--enjoyed the ice cream treat too. Afterwards, we stopped by a music store to see if baritone sax reeds Tommy had ordered had arrived. Jake knew the store well because Pop, his other granddad, and he had been there together. He showed us the 12 string guitar and the mandolin they had looked at and was a happy young man to walk out with the long awaited reeds. I was a happy wife and grandmother to be with two such fine fellows.

A harried, hurried day had turned into one where we just let things happen. Spending a leisurely hour or so visiting and eating ice cream with our grandson was one of the week's highlights, for sure!!

Last night at church Tommy taught an overview of Galatians in preparation for a ten week small group study. I have heard him teach a lot since we've moved here, but I'll have to say that last night was probably the best. Not only did we learn things about Paul and his writing to the churches in Galatia, but those who will be small group leaders were helped in their preparation as well. God has blessed Tommy with a real gift and He has blessed us to have the opportunity to hear him teach!

Tom's cataract surgery went very well and we are looking forward to the second one in two more weeks. We are hopeful that when all is said and done, his vision will be improved. It has been a busy week. We look forward to the beginning of SEC football. Go Dawgs!!!!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-08-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

Old age is not for sissies . . .

At least that's what I've been told. I've also heard these older years referred to as the Golden Years. The response to that is whoever named them "golden" hasn't reached these years yet. So, how did I get where I am today?

Just this week I was reflecting on the beginnings of Older Adult Ministry at our home church in Mississippi at the request of some folks working on the fiftieth anniversary of the church. I was reminded of one of the obstacles I had to overcome--age. I was in my forties and felt rather presumptious telling people older than I what they needed. My convictions about ministering to and alongside older adults were, at that point, theory. I had been carefully taught both in the classroom and by being a caregiver for my mother, but I was young myself. Then one day I opened my eyes and the theories had become reality; "they" had become "we." We were on Medicare and folks no longer asked to see ID if we were to qualify for senior citizen discounts. Those maladies that plagued the elderly "others" became all too familiar.

This week Tom has the first of two cataract surgeries, a condition associated more with the older folks. We have to be at the surgery center Tuesday at 6:45 a.m. Who in their right mind gets up that early anymore? The surgery has become so streamlined over the years that the pre-admit process takes more effort than the actual surgery--or so it seems. Tom is looking forward to improved vision.

I am increasingly aware of limitations imposed upon us, not just because of our ages, but also because of our illnesses. How far or how much I have to walk determines much of where I go and what I do. This week I've had problems with sore feet in addition to the persistent fatigue. Both are side effects of chemo. Plans to go to the grocery store have become as involved as planning for a two week vacation. I have begun to use a motorized cart and thus far haven't run over anyone or anything and I've found that most people are really eager to help you reach those items that are either too high or too low on the shelves.

This week our goals are for him to see better and for me to walk better. Those are not only our goals, but our prayer as well.

I have been blessed by so, so many people in Older Adult Ministry. There are people for whom the ministry was planned; there are those with whom I worked--people in local churches, people across the denomination. My life has been enriched by them all. The circumstances of older age might not be golden, but the wisdom gained, the rewards of friendship and family shine brighter than gold.

I am older, but I am definitely not a sissy.

I will claim Isaiah 40:29-31: He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-08-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

If I had a nickel . . .

Last week we were sitting in a doctor's examining room and for the umpteenth time one of us posed the question: how much money would we have if we had a nickel for every hour we've spent waiting in a doctor's office? We would have earned our nickel, and then some, on that day. In fact, that doctor always apologizes for keeping us waiting before he says hello. Friday we went to Corinth and waited some more, though it wasn't as bad as it could have been. The appointment clerk had originally scheduled us for 9 a.m. even with my telling her that we couldn't get there that early and why. I simply asked someone else if it could be changed; she does understand our situation and gladly changed it. If we had arrived by nine the wait would have been over two hours--and I would not have been happy. Today I had a check up with the primary care doctor to have blood tests and discuss my blood pressure. The wait for him was minimal, but this afternoon we visited the eye clinic for Tom to have pre-surgery tests done. They involved a wait! When he finally was seen and his blood pressure checked, it was found to be too low to have his cataract surgery next week. The tech got on the phone, checked with the primary care to see when Tom could be seen and was told we could come straight there. More waiting, but, after all, we weren't on the schedule. When the doctor came in, he laughed when he saw us back and said, "What have you done today beside sit in doctors' offices? You look exhausted." He did give the go ahead for the surgery. Too bad Tom and I can't share blood pressure!

My visit with the oncologist Friday did not change my treatment schedule. He continues to be concerned with my higher blood pressure and wants it down before resuming the Avastin. We are to get a monitor so I can track the pressure daily, let him know and hopefully, start the Avastin again. The good news is that the CA125 has dropped a few tenths of a point, after having increased little by little for the last several months. One doctor is concerned with the stroke possibility; another doesn't like my aenemic state; I want to keep attacking the cancer and live to the fullest in the meanwhile!

Finally the heat has broken some! We are actually promised some days this week down into the eighties and someone said they heard we had a fifties forecast for a night later in the week. Whew! The heat has been stiffling, but I'll have to say that the humidity isn't as bad as what we experienced in Mississippi all the years we lived there.

What I have written seems full of complaints: too much waiting; blood pressure issues for us both; issues with the chemo treatments; heat and humidity, but I don't mean them as complaints. On the way home this afternoon I couldn't help but chuckle thinking about the ups and downs of the day. It wasn't dull! We have wonderful doctors with caring, compassionate staffs. The blood pressure can be monitored and adjusted; the treatments keep me fatigued most of the time, but they also are keeping the cancer at arm's length. We are glad to be alive.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-08-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

The day after . . .

It is the day after Tom's birthday and we are still celebrating. He has been receiving cards all week--in fact he got one the first of the month--he has been hugged by grandchildren in town, talked to by one far away, and tonight we are going out to eat and go back to Tommy's for ice cream and cake with the grands. I made caramel cake, at his request, but the frosting isn't quite right. Maybe I got in too big a hurry. Anyway, we're up for a celebration!

Yesterday we drove to Blytheville, Arkansas so that I could attend a meeting of the Board of Directors of Westminster Village of the Mid-South. It was my first visit to the facility, though I have been aware of it since it was on the drawing board. There was a Strategic Air Command base located in the cotton fields surrounding Blytheville and it was closed when the government began downsizing the military and our defense systems. Presbyterians representing the local church, the Presbytery and the Synod teamed up with other interested folks, negotiated a lease with Uncle Sam and chartered the property for a retirement community, a school and conference center. Because the property cost was minimal and there were living quarters already present, they have been able to offer nice retirement homes at more affordable prices than some out there. I was invited several months ago to join the Board but had not been able to attend a meeting until yesterday. It was such a pleasure to see the continuing project and to hear an unsolicited testimony from a resident in the cafe. If anyone reading this blog is interested in knowing more, let me hear from you and I'll get information to you.

In order to get to Blytheville from here, there are two options: drive south to Memphis, cross the river, then go north to Blytheville--about 140 miles; drive northwest to Dyersburg, cross the river into Missouri, then go south to Blytheville--about 95 miles. We chose going through Missouri. "The river" of which I speak is the Mississippi, a body of water I have always loved and for which I have deep respect. Many years of my life were spent close to the Mississippi and I crossed the river at least once a week during those years. I never tired of watching it roll by; I loved seeing the tugboats pushing the barges; I was always aware of the dangers of the river, but also how it contributed to economy of the area. After all these years, yesterday I felt excitement rising to the surface as we approached the bridge and as I looked below and saw the Mighty Mississip'.

The other sight that thrills me is descending from higher ground into the Delta. As a young child I lived in the Mississippi Delta and traveled with my father when I could. He represented a wholesale drug company out of Memphis and his territory consisted of the little towns up and down Highway 61--that's Blues' land. Those were happy days for me. For a time I didn't know hills or mountains or rocky plains existed. I thought all land was like the Delta. Yesterday we drove through lots of cotton fields, soy beans and corn and the sight took me back. The machinery we passed is modern--no people chopping and sights of large contraptions that look like insects with giant arms reaching out to irrigate the fields. Times have changed; I've gotten older, but my love for the river and the Delta it has created only grows. God's creation is amazing. We've been privileged to see a lot of it.

Have a good weekend.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-08-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

This n' That

This past two weeks have gone by quickly and once again it's time for our bi-weekly trip to Corinth tomorrow. Since our last visit I have begun taking medicine to lower my blood pressure so will be interested to see if it's working. Still, I don't imagine a decision will be made on The Avastin until I see the oncologist in another two weeks.

Our friends John and Connie, transplanted from California to Iowa came to see us Saturday. John is quite a Civil War buff and visits battlesites whenever he can. I would even imagine that he has seen more of the Southern ones than I have. Anyway, we benefit from his hobby since we are close to or on the way to many sites in the South. Last week they drove to Vicksburg, MS to tour the battlefield there and then back to Memphis to visit with some of Connie's relatives. They spent Saturday with us and would have come back on Tuesday, but John was under the weather and they wanted to be considerate of my lowered immunity these days. We were disappointed, but glad we had Saturday.

Public schools opened here on Monday. It's too soon and too hot!!!! The summer vacation was barely two months and temperatures have been over 100 degrees for several days. Tuesday the heat index was 120. We have stayed inside as much as possible, going out only when necessary. Last night we did go to church, today to Bible study and to pick up Jacob from school. I asked to be excused from a Committee on Ministry meeting in Memphis because of the heat and the distance I would have to walk to get to the meeting room. (I never thought I'd hear or read that I'd said those words. I've always been the "Don't tell me I can't do something else I prove you wrong" kind of person.)

The other thing we did today was vote--the ballot was long and I only cast a vote in four races--hardly worth the effort to go. Some candidates have flooded the airways, lately with negative statements about each other. Many candidates were unfamiliar names, people who either didn't have the funds to campaign or thought it unnecessary. Our local newspaper has been absolutely NO help--maybe I'll write a letter to the editor. If we're going to live here, we need to vote, but we need to be able to vote intelligently.

At an early age I began reading historical novels, a real bonus to my education. My mother belonged to the Book of the Month Club and that genre was a favorite of hers. Believing that reading is one of life's greatest pasttimes and not having a TV until I was a senior in high school had me reading in much of my spare time and it is one of the things that I relish in retirement. I have recommended books of a Spiritual nature (and will again), but today I want to tell you about a recent read. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows is a story of the Channel island of Guernsey and how the people lived during the German occupation. It is written as a series of letters between one character and another, a style I have not previously encountered. At first I thought it might be too boring, too stiff, but after reading five or six letters, I was hooked. There really was a literary society on Guernsey that often served potato peel pie for refreshments. How the society formed, what it did for the people and how they survived, eating things like potato peel society, is all part of the book's charm.

The kitchen calls. Count your blessings--if you can stay awake that long.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-07-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Salt and Pepper

Ever since Jacob was big enough to stand on a step stool he has cooked with his dad. I remember a time I was keeping him and was told he'd like macaroni and cheese for lunch and that he would like to help make it. He was between two and three years old. The others have come along behind him, each taking their turns in the kitchen, helping buy groceries, choosing vegetables at the Farmers' Market. Now, it's time for Marty to start the same with Christopher who is two and a half. I can think of all kinds of good reasons to teach your children to cook with you: the parent learns to exercise patience, the child beams with a sense of accomplishment and it's one more thing you can do together. I love knowing that my children are spending time in the kitchen with their children--and I love the outcomes.

Recently, I called Marty, asked what she was doing and she said she was eating a blueberry muffin with salt. That seemed a strange combination until she told me that it had been Christopher's job to add the salt. He went a bit overboard. But, she, being the good mother she is, was eating those muffins and enjoying every bite. Monday night we had a hamburger supper with Tommy and family and Meredith had helped him stir up the baked beans. They were really hot. You guessed it. She added the pepper and was so proud of herself for how she had helped. Tonight Sarah, age 10, made the berry cobblers for supper at the church. Not a spoonful was left in either pan so I know they were good. I'm a proud grandmama and a proud mama. I'm proud of my children for teaching their children to cook; I'm proud of my children for exercising good parenting skills; I'm happy to witness the bonds that are being strengthened with every stir.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-07-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Wrapping up the weekend . . .

The weekend was busy, yet quiet. Friday was a Corinth day and a visit with the oncologist; Tommy, Liz and family left for Family Camp; Saturday was too hot to do much of anything; and today we worshiped at Humboldt.

Ever since the TIA episodes in June and seeing the oncologist right after their occurrence we have felt as if our feet were stuck in concrete. It wasn't good news to hear that the medicine that was supposedly helping so much would have to be eliminated, even for the time being. The good doctor said that we would have to wait and see what happened in the next few weeks. Friday was the day we were to "see." Thankfully, my blood pressure has come down, so now the plan is to discuss medication possibilities with the primary care doctor that will assist the pressure to stay down. Elevated blood pressure is a possible side effect of the Avastin and an effect that was much more than a possibility in my case. We are all hopeful that medication will help and that I can get back on the Avastin ASAP. Again, Dr. Reed spoke of the scans taken in June, emphasizing that there was no advancement of disease. He even smiled some, making me feel much better! Hopefully, the red cell boosting shot I got will help chase away the constant fatigue. Tom and I celebrated at our favorite Corinth restaurant, the Dinner Bell, a typical down home, Southern eating place.

As we were getting back to Jackson, Tommy and his family were loading vans for Family Camp. The children had been talking about it for weeks--couldn't wait to go. I suspect the parents didn't share their enthusiasm. It takes a lot of effort to get everyone ready, pack the right equipment, sleep with seven in a room, then wade through all the dirty wet clothes upon coming home. The heat continues to be stiflling! Fortunately, there is a cold mountain stream running through the campsite that helps some with the heat. We didn't even consider going this year because of the heat and the walking involved. You might say that we're feeling our age these days. Saturday was too quiet. Just knowing that no one around the corner was home created a real feeling of emptiness.

I missed my Saturday early morning trip to the Farmers' Market--lack of energy and heat kept me home. Now it will be Tuesday before the tomato lady is there again and "Yes, we have no tomatoes." In the summer, that's just plain criminal!

This morning I had the opportunity to participate in the installation of the new pastor at 1st Presbyterian, Humboldt. What an uplifting service! The congregation has been so welcoming to the pastor and it was obvious that in the few short weeks she has been there that they have endeared themselves to each other. In many ways it was a homecoming experience for Tom and me as we literally soaked up the smiles and hugs that came our way. I look forward to seeing what God will do in Humboldt.

I look forward to seeing what God will do in our lives. How will He use me next? How will I use my gifts to glorify God? When God is in charge life is never dull. It is exciting and full of promise. I can't wait to see what comes next.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-07-21T17:21:00.000-07:00

Reminder to Self . . .

In blogs past I have written of a friend Marty's age who was diagnosed with inflamatory breast cancer in 2007, just months after her second little boy was born. Not only is she a wife and mother, she also has an impressive career as a nuclear physicist with NASA (I think I have that right), is a wonderful friend and family person and has campaigned tirelessly for awareness of her particular kind of cancer and advocated for mothers with cancer. She is quite a young woman! She has been in remission until a few months ago and a second cancer was found, necessitating more treatment. Her comments about the fatigue and its effects on her life have caused me to think about my own and the ways I've tried to manage it. They also made me wonder just how she does all she does and what an inspiration she is!

Do you remember the story about the three billy goats gruff? I didn't until just now as I was visualizing what the fatigue is like. It could be likened to the troll(s) who lived under the bridge the goats had to cross. They knew they had to go over the bridge to get from one place to another and that there was the looming possibility that the troll was there waiting for them. It was a monster determined to attack as they crossed. Anticipating crossing the bridge caused apprehension. There was fear while crossing and finally they reached the other side--or not.

Fatigue during chemo and/or radiation is unavoidable. (I have not had to have radiation so I'm only writing what I've heard about it.) The drugs do lower your blood counts, though every cancer patient responds differently. The lower your counts, the more tired you become; the more chemo you take, the more difficult it is for your bone marrow to produce new cells. Those things are givens. I will be tired, but I have a choice in how I manage. I can either focus on how tired I am and do nothing or I can live with it the very best that I can.

A few words come to mind:
*PACE yourself. Alternate tasts that require a lot of energy with those that don't.
*ACCEPT help that is offered and thank God for His provision.
*REALIZE that you are not Super Woman (or Man). You will not be evaluated or judged by how much you can and cannot do.
*RELY on the strength Paul writes about in Philippians (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me) and the grace he writes about in II Corinthians (My grace is sufficient for you).

Practically speaking, LEARN to use your time wisely; LEARN to do things sitting down; and LEARN to tell it like it is. You know your body; you know when the fatigue hits and when you are at your lowest. Plan your errands for the time when your body is recuperating and the energy is rising. Don't stand to do a chore in the kitchen that you could you as easily do sitting down. If you are visiting with someone and you tire of standing, ask if they mind if you sit. Ask your doctor to fill out the paper work to get you a temporary handicap parking permit.

It is amazing how God uses people in our lives. I have known Susan, the young woman about whom I wrote, for more than twenty years--ever since she and Marty were in junior high. I listened to them giggle, heard them whisper about boys and helped them dress to double date for their first dance. She was the scientific sort; Marty was the musician, but they were friends above all and have remained so all these years. I pray that God will completely heal her and that she will touch others as she has touched me.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-07-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

Doing what comes naturally . . .

If you follow me on facebook you know I described yesterday as a "great day" and it was. I was standing at the stove cooking hotcakes when a Humboldt friend ran in the back door to bring crowder peas and tomatoes. She brought both shelled and unshelled peas and I look forward to shelling them later today while we watch a baseball game on TV. For years that's what I did on Saturday afternoons after lunch in the summer. I'd set up a TV tray, spread it with peas or beans and settle down to watch the baseball game. It won't matter today that it's Friday and the peas came from a friend and not from Dad's garden. Missing will be Spook the cat who loved to steal peas off the tray for his own enjoyment.

Later in the day I peeled and chopped tomatoes to make a triple recipe of tomato sauce for the freezer. Some years ago I found a simple tomato sauce recipe in a pasta book and using it as a guide, have been making it ever since. When tomatoes are in season I use fresh ones--fresh herbs too when I have them--and in winter I use canned tomatoes. What a difference a good sauce makes! Our children took up the habit of making their own sauce too. In fact, Tommy freely gives out his recipes when asked, but he never passes on the information that the sauce is homemade and surely never shares how he makes the sauce.

This afternoon summer kitchen habits include making peach pie for the freezer and cobbler for eating now. We have an abundance of peaches since I went to the Farmers' Market Tuesday and someone brought us a bag full the same day. Maybe I'll make extra pie crusts and put them in the freezer to have when needed or maybe I'll put two peach pies in the freezer.

The highlight of yesterday was leading Tommy's noon Bible study. Health issues have kept us from attending and it was good to be with special friends and to open God's word together.

Yesterday was a stifling day--hard to breathe and certainly not a day to do any work outside. After a run to the post office to finally get our income tax packet off to our CPA, we went to the nursery to buy plants for the bed Jacob has been cleaning out for us. The choices were few to say the least. Who, in their right mind, would wait until the middle of July to plant summer flowers? We would! We bought a butterfly bush, two big lantanas and some shasta daisies, all for our enjoyment and to attract birds and butterflies. They don't know it's late in the season.
Today hasn't been quite as hot and we did get four holes dug and the plants in their new home. I also managed to get in a little weeding and trimming. I'd forgotten how much I like to work in the yard. Now I'm both chemo tired and yard tired--mostly a good feeling.

I love summertime and all the memories of summers past. I love being in the kitchen, taking care of summer produce, putting things in the freezer, enjoying vegetable plates with biscuits for Tom and cornbread for me. We are blessed with an abundance of good things to eat, family with whom to share, friends who share with us. "Our cup runneth over." And now, I'm signing off to take a power nap. Enjoy your summer and be thankful in all things.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-07-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

Looking Back . . .

The week was full of doctor visits, family time and fresh produce. The doctors are necessary and we're grateful for the ones we have so I'm not complaining about going. Tom had a check up with his primary care who grinned from ear to ear when he saw Tom. He couldn't get over the amount of improvement he saw--weight gain and increased strength. Annual checkups with the opthamologist brought news that Tom's cataracts are ready and we'll go back in a couple of weeks to visit with the doctor who will actually do the surgery. Our doctor no longer operates. I had some macular changes and it is believed they are causing a little change in my vision. When the "problem" was discovered several years ago I was told it would deveop over time and eye vitamins would help. At that time we thought the cancer would take over and I'd not have to think about possible eye issues and I confess that I'm not good about taking vitamins, but think I will now. Friday was a trip to Corinth for the chemo drug, but not the Avastin. Often I am a bit nauseated and tired the day after, but haven't been either today so took advantage of feeling good and worked in the kitchen some.

After I enjoyed a pedicure this morning I went to the Farmers' Market, mainly for tomatoes. I went, telling myself that I would buy just what I could put up or cook today and stuck to it. so this afternoon I made blueberry pie and froze two packages of corn. Can't wait to eat blueberry pie in a little while!

Monday afternoon we had planned to grill hamburgers etc., sit on the porch and watch the children play. Tommy was involved in a project so we decided to order pizza instead and still get our visit in. Jacob was inside playing the piano and came outside to get Sarah and Drew to play a game of matching tones. After a few minutes of that he came back and proudly proclaimed that Drew matched every tone! I looked at Liz and said, "Could anyone else tell that this is a family of musicians?" His Mimi & Pop (Liz's parents) and his Aunt Marty would be equally proud since they are musicians of note. The rest of us all have musical backgrounds as well.

What might be called "the thought for the day" in a link to Our Daily Bread said this today: If we obey God's calling, He will provide the needed strength. A few particular people came to mind as I read that statement. We all have issues; we all have frustrations; we all have areas where we just have to be in charge. Some continue to search for God's direction--for a specific call; some believe they know what God wants of them, but are frustrated with the process. The quote for the day affirms what we already know. God demands our obedience whether the issue is what we should do or where we should go. Even in retirement we are to remain obedient. The second part of the statement is another 24/7 thing to remember: He will provide the needed strength. Today I will remember to be "anxious for nothing;" I can depend on God to provide the strength I need.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-07-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

Postscript to yesterday . . .

What irony! Sometimes on Saturday we turn to AMC to watch old westerns. Yesterday we disccovered that John Wayne was being featured, westerns and WWII movies. After I had written the post a new movie came on that was about the war between the states--with a Union focus. (Those are hard for me because I am so Southern that I feel that my loyalties are being tested. Crazy, I know, but I digress.) The movie opened with Union officers discussing strategy that would enable them to block the Confederates from using the Mississippi River between about Memphis and New Orleans. The river was the South's lifeline and as long as they controlled access, the North could be defeated. The ironic part was that the North did capture Vicksburg, MS, essential to the South, on the Fourth of July. The area was no longer free and until recent years the city of Vicksburg did not celebrate the Fourth. I had forgotten. What price freedom! Thinking of that war brings me to a point of sadness I cannot express. Thank God we are One Nation Under God--whether it is acknowled by all or not.

Reading the Sunday paper a little while ago, I came across a column entitled, "July 4 Celebration Spiced with Gratitude." It piqued my interest because of yesterday's post. In it was a quote from an Erma Bombeck column on an earlier Fourth of July. She said: You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. She had a way with words.

Let's hear it for patriotism however it manifests itself.

Blessings and Happy 4th,
Pastor Margaret

2010-07-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

Remember that freedom is not free!

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, a favorite holiday because it holds so many good memories of family. When I was little and lived with my aunt and uncle I couldn't wait for the family dinner on the Fourth of July. It was one of two family dinners held annually by my uncle's family. He was one of nine and though he was my uncle by marriage, I thought of them as my family too. Every family brought enough food for themselves and to share. What a spread! My favorite part of the day was the middle of the afternoon when the ice cream freezers appeared. They were the hand crank variety and as the saying goes, "the wheels of progress grind slowly." In other words, it seemed like the ice cream would never be ready! I can taste it now.

When our children were growing up, it was another holiday spent with grandparents: Mom and Dad and Honey, my mother. We decided from year to year what we would cook on the grill. After the sun went down we might take our lawn chairs to the driveway and watch the fireworks display at the country club a mile or so away. Holidays with family are the best!

We have no definite plans this year--just know we'll cook with Tommy, Liz and family. He thinks I should rest and let him do it all, but I convinced him I should do dessert. It won't be hand cranked, but the 21st century version of homemade ice cream made in a countertop machine.

This morning I was up early to go to the Farmers' Market before the night time help left. I came home with lady peas (already shelled, of course), butterbeans, tomatoes, cucumbers, corn, peaches and a coffee cake. My friends on the West Coast may not know about lady peas; I know they aren't familiar with good ole' Southern butterbeans. I surely missed pink-eye purple hull peas, butterbeans, lady peas and other Southern fare when we lived in California. Of course now we miss all the fresh citrus, strawberries and other produce that was so plentiful where we were.

Family, food, freedom: part of who we are as Americans. We remember especially at holidays the good times, the good food and the family with whom we've shared. Much of that family lives only in our memory. We enjoy because we are free. In the midst of all our celebrations, let's pause to give thanks for the greatest freedom we have--freedom in Jesus; for the second greatest freedom--to be citizens of the USA; and all the other freedoms that come to us beacause of the first two. God bless you as you celebrate and as you ponder the freedoms you enjoy.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-06-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

Week in Review

Last Monday we traveled the seventy five or so miles to the East Memphis office of West Clinic so I could have the requisite scans. It's not a bad trip, not a bad procedure. It's having no coffee until afterwards! I usually begin the process, not focused on labs, all that liquid I have to drink or how still I have to lie on the scanner table, but focusing on the coffee that awaits the completion of all the little details. Last week my focus was both on coffee and trying to be warm in an over cooled waiting room. Afterwards we wasted no time in stopping by the coffee cart and getting outside to the 95 degree weather to wait for Kia to get the car. While sitting on the bench I could not help but notice the colorful lantana planted in front and the butterflies having a wonderful time flitting from plant to plant. How appropriate the message!

Butterflies signify new life; they illustrate beauty that can appear from unattractiveness; they make me think of possibilities of newness. I have new life in Christ; in Him I am a new creature. He took the ugliness in my life and replaced it with the beauty of His life. Cancer is ugly; it can be life ending; it can destroy who we are if we let it. The West Clinic has wings as its logo and Wings is the name of their newsletter. As I sat there, just briefly, I reflected on the the imagery of wings, of butterflies, of freedom. Through the ugliness of treatment, cancer patients are often given new life, given the freedom to grow and to share with others. Maybe you had to have been there, but it was a special moment for me and I am grateful for it.

Tuesday morning I saw our primary care doctor who seemed to be far more concerned about my lowered blood counts than the TIA episodes. I entered his office huffing and puffing, out of breath from the short walk from waiting to examining rooms. He advised me to be sure the oncologist was aware of my counts and I assured him that I have labs every time I go and the counts dictate whether or not I am treated. He did straighten out the problem we were having with the insurance not wanting to allow a particular prescription.

During the week I had a couple more episodes of what I call "dead leg." My left leg gets numb and tingly and I have trouble moving it. Sometimes it is a passing symptom; other times it stays with me an hour or more. I had it all day yesterday, but determined that I was reacting to the treatment on Friday and/or the anti-nausea pills I had. Today, I'm tired, but no "dead leg."

I saw the oncologist Friday and thought the visit not as conclusive or informative as I would have liked. I like details. I want to know what to expect. I got no details and still don't know much. He did give us some information that I rather expected from what little I know about the Avastin I've been taking. (It is the non-chemo drug that has shown great promise in the treatment of several kinds of cancer.) Unfortunately, in some rare cases it can have some neurological side effects, so it's being withheld for the time being. My mind naturally goes into the "what if" mode. "What if" the Avastin really is working and what will happen if I can't take it? "What if" I continue with it and it causes a full blown stroke? One could go crazy with the "what ifs" in life!

Often the night before we see the doctor in Corinth, Tom and I both have restless nights. This past Thursday I tossed a bit before drifting off, thinking of some of those "what ifs" and how I would respond. Then this calmness came over me as I pictured 24/7 on the ceiling. I let God have those questions and I went to sleep picturing myself being carried in the arms of Jesus. He never looked so strong and I never relaxed so much!

So the journey continues . . .

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-06-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

It's No Secret . . .

. . . that yesterday was the first day of summer. We were in Memphis for an appointment for scans at the cancer clinic. It was freezing inside the clinic, but oppressively hot outside. Of course I grew up mostly in the Memphis area and I remember well the hot, humid, high temperatures. The heat advisory continues and we continue to stay in unless it's necessary to go outside.

. . . that Southerners lie in wait for the first tomatoes of the season. Whether we grow them ourselves or rely on the Farmers' Market, we take turns checking to see if/when the "tomato lady" will have some to sell. Last Saturday Liz visited said "tomato lady" before I even opened my eyes and wasn't disappointed. This morning a friend called, said she had been to the market and wanted to bring a vegetable supper to us. It was so good! We had green beans cooked w/ new potatoes, squash and onions, corn on the cob and cornbread. What a way to end the day!
Earlier in the day a friend brought lunch along with cucumbers she had just picked in her garden. We had a little touch of heaven on earth. I wonder if vegetables can get any better.

. . . that we have health issues. I wonder sometimes how many hours of my life have been spent waiting for a doctor or for a procedure to be done. I had an appointment this morning with the primary care doctor and we thought it was a most satisfactory visit. He straigthened out a glitch we encountered trying to get a medicine the insurance wouldn't cover. His main concern seemed to be my low blood counts and believes when they rise, I'll feel better. Well, yes!!! Of course, as long as I have cancer, I'll have treatment; as long as there is treatment, there will be low blood counts. Just as cancer and treatment have become a way of life, so now will fatigue.

. . . God is faithful beyond what we could ask or think. In spite of the knowns and the unknowns, I am more at peace than I have been in a while. Once I remarked to my friend Susan, who also has ovarian cancer, that my trust in God is firm, but it seems I forget sometimes that He is in charge and is caring for me. She reminded me that I don't have to remember because God is on duty 24/7 and never forgets. Just what I needed to hear. As I face tomorrow I can be assured that I do not face it alone. As God said to Joshua: I will never leave you nor forsake you. Now, put a smile on your face, straighten up, be strong and courageous; be strong and very courageous (a few of my words added). You may have some concern in your life that would be helped by remembering "24/7."

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-06-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

Breaking Silence . . .

Several of you have e-mailed or called because I've been away from the blog, Face Book, and e-mail communication for a while. Here is a whole bevy of reasons. Last week was extraordinarily busy: preparing for the last Sunday at Humboldt, going for a regular treatment on Friday and we were pleasantly surprised by a visit from Tom's brother. We had not seen him in about five years and had such a good time while he was here. He and his wife, Susan, are moving this weekend from Richmond to a little town below Denver . That's a long way from here!!

This week I adjusted to not having a deadline or sermon preparation--still feels funny. On Tuesday I had a delightful lunch with Humboldt's new pastor. Though there are challenges, as there are for any new person taking over a pastorate, I believe she will be excellent in her new call. I look forward to a growing friendship with her and watching as God works through her.

Wednesday, I dressed, went by the Farmers' Market and on to the grocery store. Then it started. I began feeling lightheaded and dizzy, with numbness and tingling in my hands and feet. It was not something I had felt before now, though I do have numbness and tingling in my hands and feet--a chemo side effect. I felt exremely weak and wondered if I would make it to buy groceries and drive home. Fortunately, I made it. After resting and drinking lots of water I felt almost back to normal. When I got up about 2 to go to sit with the little girls while Liz took Sarah to the orthodontist, I had another episode and realized I couldn't/shouldn't drive or be responsible for children. I called the cancer clinic and was told by the nurse that the symptoms described were those identified with heart attacks or strokes and that I should get to the ER right then. So, tonight after two nights in the hospital, too many tests to remember, I am home.
Tom's neurologist has now become mine and we couldn't be more pleased and our daily sitter, Kia, arrived here as usual at 9 a.m. Wednesday and never left us until we were home and settled at 4 this afternoon. Her care and loyalty is unbelievable!! For those two people we are very grateful!

The verdict: there is evidence of TIAs and narrowing of blood vessels in my skull. The two episodes I had were the TIAs. The heart was not involved. Now, we'll need to balance medication for this new issue with the cancer medications, I'll have to change some eating habits and certainly not ignore symptoms, blaming anything quirky on chemo. I can tell that my left leg and hand are weaker and not as easy to control which could have implications for driving right now. I don't have to tell you how to pray.

I do plan to be a better communicator. We love you and are so glad you are a part of our life!
We are safe in the arms of our mighty God.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-06-07T18:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my next to the last Sunday to preach in my current capacity at Humboldt. These days are bittersweet! I am ready for a break, but so sad to be leaving a people whom we have come to love very much. They have encouraged me in ministry and supported me with love and advice when Tom was so sick. They only thought I was sent there for them! In reality God knew I would need what they had to offer and put me in their midst.

Yesterday was hard because of the winding down, but it was also hard because I had a hard time walking and standing, a result of the medicine I was taking, I believe. While I was preaching, I heard my voice, but it was completely lifeless--no enthusiasm. I hoped that no one would notice, but I know they did. I thought I had figured out the side effect schedule, but found out I was wrong. The bone pain in my back usually comes five to seven days after a treatment and it did. Only this time it was accompanied by waves of nausea. That meant taking pain meds and anti-nausea meds which I found don't mix well. Fortunately, I wasn't being judged on my preaching--I would have failed. I didn't do God's word justice.

In the days preceding my entering the hospital with pneumonia in 2006, I didn't leave our room except to go to the doctor. Tom would ask me if I'd like to come downstairs or if I felt like going down. I usually replied that I could go down; it was going back up that gave me problems. That's how I feel now. After so long and so much chemo, the body begins to resist and signal that it's time to stop. Is that what's happening or do I need to keep pushing? Tom's back went out on him in the night last Wednesday and he's spent a lot of time in the bed and on pain killers. The pain and the medication intefere with his congitive processes and I am reminded of how much he needs me. At times like this I get a little angry at illness. Our retirement was to have been picture perfect with lots of time for travel, grandchildren and just being together. Tonight I'm a bit angry at the whole situation; I hate seeing such a strong, intelligent, compassionate man being stripped of his most endearing attritbutes; I hate making plans and having to forego them because I don't have energy to perform. Then I ask:

Where would I be without the strong arm of God to support me? Where would I be without the trust I have in God's everlasting care? Where would I be if I had no faith and had to depend on myself? Please pray for strength of heart and energy for my body. You have been such a help and I'm grateful for each of you.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-06-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

It's Official

Memorial Day has come and gone and today is the first day of June. Though it's still spring on the calendar, it's summer in our thoughts and practices. We had a somewhat laid back weekend, beginning with a trip to Corinth on Friday. Every day--almost everything we did revolved around food.

We have a favorite place to eat in Corinth. It's a down home type restaurant with daily lunch specials, senior citizen portions and really good catfish. It's called the "Dinner Bell" and it has one out front that gets rung on occasion. We went there Friday to satisfy a taste our friend Marge had for chicken and dressing, the daily special. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived, it was all gone. We try to arrange appointments so that we can get to the Dinner Bell before 2 p.m. when they quit serving the special or by 1 p.m. so they won't be sold out. So much of Southern culture revolves around food and the way it's served and daily specials at the Dinner Bell are a big part of that culture, one that's duplicated all around the South.

Over the weekend, we went from one meal to the next, laughing at ourselves for planning the next before we ate what was currently cooking. My children know me to be somewhat of a purist in the kitchen. I'm not opposed to shortcuts or tools that simplify a task, but packaged foods rarely find themselves onto my shelves. Why buy canned soup when what you make is better? Why buy frozen dinners when you can fill a plate with leftovers and freeze it yourself? Age and treatment have altered some of those attitudes! Now, we keep frozen dinners on hand for times like Friday night when I come home all washed out! Times have changed.

When I sit and let others cook it's a sure sign of fatigue. I belong in the kitchen! And, it's hard to sit back and let others do all the work. Tommy cooked burgers on the grill Saturday night, flank steak in his new stovetop smoker Sunday night and ribs at our house last night. I didn't contibute much--just a big potato casserole and cold slaw on Sunday and a place to eat last night. I miss cooking for my family, but feel pampered when they talk me down and do it all--and they pretty much did this weekend. It would have been perfect if Marty and her family had been here too!

2010-05-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

Dancing in the Streets

The public schools of Jackson-Madison County officially closed yesterday. Most, including teachers, were happy to say goodbye to another year. Liz has had a particularly challenging time with one "special" child. I know it has been frustrating and tiring to deal with this child in a loving manner, but she's done it. Wednesday the child's mom and grandmom came and heaped thank yous and praises on Liz--proof that they know a good teacher when they see one. Makes me proud! The school board is doing a grand job of moving people around for next year. Some pupils don't know yet where they are being assigned. It's a mess, but it's not peculiar to this town. I learned when Marty was here that their daughter, Mallory, had everything set to enter high school and got a letter telling her she was being reassigned in the Raleigh area. I picked up Jacob from school yesterday and loved being able to go the last day. He and I have a routine of getting ice cream on the way home and if he talks to me at all, it's then. I'm a grandmother, so I'm safe.

The week was long for us--didn't have that much to do, but we both were tired every day. Things started looking up this morning and I'm hoping blood counts will rise and I'll feel better. Our dishwasher just quit a week ago Friday. It was FULL, controls set and it wouldn't start. It was Tuesday before a service man could come and he gave the "good news" that it would cost almost to fix it as a new one. We're talking about a 3 year old Kitchen Aid! Aren't they supposed to be the be all and end all? Let me tell you. They are not. The KA had a one year parts and labor warranty and when it expired I bought a two year extended warranty which expired
May 7--exactly one week before it decided to just sit there and occupy space. After much discussion, we determined to buy a new one, but couldn't make it to the store until late yesterday. We have always searched, researched, compared stores, compared warranties, before deciding. This time I said: "Let's just go to the place where we know and trust what we are told and buy it there." We did and ended up buying a machine with a warranty longer than my life expectancy. Sometimes I have set goals of living until my children are adults, living to see my grandchildren graduate from high school, or living to be Tom's carepartner. Never have I had the goal of outliving the warranty on the dishwasher. Now I do!

Tomorrow is Pentecost and it also the preschool graduation for the Presbyterian Day School at Humboldt. I have really enjoyed the sermon preparations for Lent, the Easter season, Ascension etc. and I've been focused on Pentecost. Then, I wondered how to combine that with a focus on the children that would be spotlighted tomorrow. After Wednesday night Bible study I mentioned my dilemna and my friend Mel said "go for Pentecost." Proven point. That was the work of the Holy Spirit, speaking through Mel to tell me where to focus. God promised us His presence and His power through the Holy Spirt; Jesus told the disciples to use that power to be His witnesses, first at home, then in the workplace, the community and out in the world (my words). Who better, who more important do we have to bear witness to than the children God has entrusted to our care? Happy Birthday Church!!! I'll be wearing my stole that is mostly red made by my friend Joan at FOPC.

Sometime in June or July we're going to Raleigh to see our family there and for me to baptize Colin. What a blessing to hold your grandchild, declare him a member of the family of God and to pray for him to follow the way of Christ! It will be a wonderful day!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-05-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

Back again . . .
Has it really been over a week since I've posted? Makes me wonder where the time goes. After all I am retired and have nothing to do or so I've been led to believe. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. We still have to eat, wear clean clothes, keep appointments, etc.--all the things that make life fun. Retirement is a concept I can't quite grasp. It's much like age. The years keep piling on, but I forget the numbers. Surely I won't be seventy in a few months! A wise man once said: the only retirees are in heaven. I believe it! After all the catechism says that a person's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. It doesn't say when to start, nor does it end--forever is a long time. In the eyes of the world I'm retired and have lots of time; in my own mind I'm busy as I can be and love every minute of it.

Today is a good day! Forty one years ago while Tom was at the Law School taking two of the most important exams of his first year in law school: Contracts and Torts, I was at the hospital giving birth to Tommy. It almost seems like yesterday. Then I look around and I think about the "remember whens" and I know years have passed. We will have birthday dinner with him, Liz and all the children later today. I love celebrating family birthdays and didn't think anyone loved them as much as I. That was before his children were born. They make every birthday, every holiday an event. That's part of the joy of the day. Liz has made lasagne and I'm taking German chocolate cake at his request--baked the cake yesterday and will make frosting in a bit.
In our family we call it "elbow cake." Before Tommy married he and his friends came in one night after I had gone to bed. The next day was Tommy's birthday and I had made the requested German chocolate cake late in the day, leaving it on racks covered with dish towels to cool overnight. When I uncovered the layers I noticed one was sagging through the rack and I wondered why it fell. I carefully pieced it back together, went ahead and frosted the cake. We had family dinner and friends came for cake. One said, "Hey, Tommy. What did your mom say when she saw I had put my elbow in the cake?" Thus the name; thus a memory; thus a laugh all over again.

After worship this morning the congregation at Humboldt honored Tom and me with a "thank you" luncheon. It was a bittersweet time. A new pastor will begin on June 15, a pastor we believe God has called for this time and for this church. That's good. We, on the other hand, have gotten so attached to our Humboldt friends that we are sad to be saying goodbye. What a wonderful year it has been for us!

On the health front we're doing okay. Tom continues to gain a little weight and recover strength. The therapy he's had has worked wonders. I have had my root canal and await an appointment to have the crown measurements taken and then installed. Treatment continues and seems to be going well. God is good!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-05-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

Here's the story . . .

As I've received e-mails and facebook messages in the last few days, I realize that some of you might have wondered about our safety and the condition of our property. I am happy to report that, though we seem to be water logged, we have remained safe and dry inside. Water got inside our garage and several things got wet. The tornado sirens woke us about 3 a.m. Saturday morning, we got up, turned on the TV and made arrangements to go to our "safe place." Tom went back to sleep when the warning was lifted about 6:30 and I stayed up until I could get in touch with our daytime sitter to tell her not to leave her four year old. Also, roads giving way, sink holes, bridges washing out and flash flooding was already a problem and we weren't sure she could get here. Then I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. Saturday it rained off and on all day, with the emergency management people recommending that people stay off the streets and roads and that all activities for that day and Sunday be cancelled. I talked with two of the leaders in the Humboldt church and one told me his rain gauge registered 16 inches. They weren't sure I could get there from here, so we cancelled our services as well. That night the rain continued and there was a tornado touchdown in Humboldt. About 3:30 I heard my phone signal that I had a text message--Tommy around the corner to see if we were up watching the weather. We weren't, but I stayed up the rest of that night as the severe storms came through all around us. The pump under Tommy's house died sometime Saturday and when the plumber finally got to him at 8:30 that night, he diagnosed the problem and out of the goodness of his heart told Tommy that he would loan him his personal pump until he could get back on Monday to install a new one. Meanwhile, the downstairs, consisting of a shop, a big storage room , laundry and large playroom all flooded. What a mess they have had! Finally things are beginning to come together to repair the damage and I cannot say how generous and considerate the service people have been.

Our friend LaLa, recent graduate of Bama took four of the children to spend the day at her house yesterday. That in itself was a gift, but she also washed, dried and folded six loads of clothes for Liz. (Before the storms came, Tommy had planned to put a new motor in their dryer. The motor burned out last weekend so they could wash, but not dry at home.) I took hamburger patties and hotdogs out of the freezer and we fixed supper. Nobody seemed to care that Paw Paw made the fire too hot and some of the burgers looked like charcoal briquettes. It's disappointing to realize our limitations and how little we can do to help these days. So much of what Tommy knows about fixing things, etc. he learned from his granddaddy who was always the first person we called, either to come help or give advice. Tommy laughed at one point and said: "At times like these, I really hate Dad's Parkinson's. If he could he would be right here next to me doing all he could to help." Tomorrow the schools reopen and hopefully, things will get back to normal.

We went to Corinth Friday and resumed treatment. Dr. Reed decided that three doses of Neupogen to stimulate development of white blood cells this week before the root canal were in order. This is a drug I had taken in California with few side effects, but when taken here last fall, the effects were such that the doctor discontinued it and rearranged my treatments. I have had two of the shots and so far only extreme fatigue and some back ache are affecting me. I was going to have to travel to Corinth three days this week to be given the shots, but our friend Marge who frequently drives us has a retired oncology nurse friend with whom she paints. Through that contact, the nurse has come by my house to give the shots. As a result of the storms Saturday night there are stretches of the highway leading to Corinth that are impassable. Liz commented this morning, Marge is a good friend to have. I couldn't agree more for lots of reasons!!! My CA125 is not as low as I would like it to be, but it did go down about 3 points.

For the rest of the week I'll be busy reworking Sunday's sermon which is entitled, Extreme Makeover. Inspired by lectionary tasks, I've been preaching about the difference that should be obvious in our lives because we have "seen" Jesus or we have spent time with him. Peter was one whose whole being changed after the Spirit was given him by Jesus and certainly after Pentecost. My challenge is tying it to Mothers' Day in some meaningful way. Circle meets Monday and that lesson has to be prepared so I'll be studying---except on Friday when our dear Mississippi friends come for the day. We can't wait to see them.

Two prayer requests to share: Susan at 1st Church, Humboldt who recently had surgery for ovarian cancer and has started treatment and Boyd, retired medical doctor, who left Sunday for a medical mission trip to Haiti. He's from our home church in Mississippi, but has gone with a church in Fayetteville, NC.

This has gotten to be longer than I anticipated, but we had a little more news than usual.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-04-29T18:02:00.000-07:00

Finally . . .

It's been a long time since I've had much to say. My mind has been going down a thousand paths trying to focus, to not complain and to be an encourager. Obviously, I've been too busy complaining to focus or to encourage. Guess it's time to catch up.

Tom continues to improve within the parameters that are possible. I listened yesterday as the OT came to evaluate him. I think what he (the therapist) knows about Parkinson's could be put on a pin head. He asked if Tom had a problem with strength and balance and I thought: "Of course he does. He has Parkinson's." Yet, Tom's upper body strength has improved greatly and his endurance increases. Often, he has more than I. He went with me to church on Sunday, to the dentist Monday, sat in the car while I got a haircut Tuesday then we went to Target, to church supper Wednesday and today he wanted to got to Lowe's or Home Depot to buy a mailbox. I asked who we might get to install and he said he thought he'd do it himself. I intentionally didn't make it to the store so he wouldn't get outside with his shovel. He had a good workout with the physical therapist late in the afternoon, but now I see the "tired" on his face.

The tooth saga is finally being resolved. It's about time. Last week when I saw the oncologist, he was surprised I still had tooth problems. Somewhere in all the consultations, someone forgot to let me know the final decision to let me go ahead to fix my tooth. That meant no infusion or complete visit with the doctor, changing to tomorrow. I made an appointment with the dentist, he cleaned out the tooth, put in a temporary filling and is sending me to an oral surgeon next Thursday to have a root canal. After that I'll return to the dentist to have impressions made for a crown, wait a while, and get that put on the tooth. Lots of time in the chair and lots of money taken from our bank account. The best part is I have no tooth pain and ice cream is once again in my diet!!

The time has offically come for us to say "goodbye" to the Humboldt congregation. This past Sunday the Pastor Nominating Committee reported to the congregation and recommended approval of the pastoral call. We are pleased for them, but sad to be leaving them. We have been surrounded by a loving group of people, people we went to help, but who have helpted us much more than we have helped them. One of the interesting things is that I was drawn to send them my information form when they were searching for their last pastor. What I didn't know was that my good friend who named me as one of his references had already sent his information. When someone from the church called to get a verbal reference for him, I crossed them off my list. Had I known how special the people are, I would have sent my information anyway. God works in mysterious ways!

I love it when Tommy asks me to pick up Jacob from school as he did today. Jake will be 14 in June and it's hard to realize he's gotten this age and that he's taller than I am. He doesn't say much when we go to his house, but he talks a lot when we're in the car by ourselves. The little boy sweetness is present and he tells me some of the things going on with him. When I reflect on how the years have flown, I think about the youngest of our grandchildren, Christopher and Colin. I wonder if I'll see them at Jacob's age. Will we be around? Our grandchildren are one of the grandest gifts God has given. Each is special in his or her own way and we love them very much.

Trust in God; believe that He is able to do the things He has promised; and keep your hand in His. I have to remind myself that where my children and grandchildren are concerned I need to trust God to care for them, to believe that He loves them more than I and to trust God to care for them.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-04-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

Too Tired to Type

That's the way I feel. I could tell this afternoon that Tom had a burst of energy because he kept thinking of errands we could run, even suggesting that we go to the grocery and Sam's in one afternoon. I couldn't envision doing even one of those, but finally mustered enough energy to go buy groceries. Usually he pushes the cart so he can balance himself, but today I needed somewhere to prop. Along with the usual chemo fatigue, this toothache is driving me nuts. I'm not really sure who has talked to whom, but the bottom line coming out of the oncology clinic and some unnamed oral surgeon is not to touch me at this time. I have to be off the Avastin for six weeks before a root canal or extraction, but could have a crown. The problem there is no one knows what is necessary until the drilling is done and then there is no turning back. And then, there is the knowledge that cancer treatment needs to be administered on a consistent schedule, which raises the question of how does being off the drug six weeeks will affect its effectivness? Who knew a trip to the dentist could cause such a problem? Heat and pain pills are prescribed for now. We're hoping we'll get some satisfactory solution this week.

We miss the sounds of little feet and little voices that filled our house last week. I know they were all glad to get home to familiar surroundings--beds, toys, pets. It doesn't take much to get used to them in the house!

There's good news and bad news for the Humboldt church. The good news is that the Committee on Ministry approved the call of a new pastor in the next couple of months. The congregation still has to vote and Presbytery has to approve COM's recommendation. We have treasured our year with them and friendships made will remain a part of our lives. The bad news is that one of the precious daughters of the church, elder, teacher, friend had surgery for ovarian cancer yesterday and the prognosis is not the most promising. Please pray for Susan and that God will use me and my experience to encourage and support her.

Tomorrow, nationally known Disciples of Christ pastor and Humboldt native, Fred Craddock will fill our pulpit. I have the privilege of assisting him. He was somewhat of a mentor to the minister with whom I did my internship so I was assigned lots of his articles and commentaries to read and consult. I can't wait to share worship with him.

Last week I watched my daughter with an amazing amount of energy and I wondered if I ever had that much. I wondered what it was like to bounce up and down off the floor like her two year old can. Did I ever do that? Lack of energy is one thing I hate the most about cancer and the treatment for it. Planning meals, going to the store and spending the day in the kitchen cooking for my family used to give me great pleasure. Now, I'd almost rather not eat than go through all the steps to get a meal ready. While Marty was here, Tommy pulled up carpet in their den and hallway, stripped the glue etc. and refinished the floors---and then put all the furniture back by himself. Before he was finished, he was extremely sore and pollen and dust from the floors got the best of him, but I felt bad that there was nothing I could do to help him. I never thought I'd succomb to old age or illness, but the time is near. In my head and in my heart I'm young, healthy and in charge; in reality I'm none of these. The years keep adding up; the health is not good, but better than we thought it would be, but a concern, nevertheless; and God is in charge which is best of all. That should be my focus!!

I need to say thanks to each of you once again for reading, for praying, for being our friends. Please don't stop.
Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-04-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

No Blogs

There have been no blogs coming from this source in several days. Marty and family came last Tuesday evening and were here until about noon on Saturday. Everything was put on hold while they were here except those things which were absolutely essential. They returned to Raleigh last night, being so tired of the car they don't want to be in it again for a while. I can understand why. Big sister Mallory is a delightful young lady--very polite, very helpful and a natural with the little boys. Christopher is busy! I see a lot of his mother in him. Colin is precious and his smiles kept us wrapped around his little fingers. Honestly, I don't know how Marty gets anything done! We loved having them visit and look forward to the next time.

Marty and Colin went to Corinth with me for treatment last Friday while Tom stayed here and went to the train museum with the others. I didn't realize that OSHA doesn't allow children under age 12 in the infusion room because of the danger of toxic substances/fumes. The nurse did let Marty and Colin come back to survey the surroundings, meet the personnel then they went back out front. I love the nurses and techs and wanted Marty to see for herself just how great they are.

Yesterday Tom and I had six month dental checkups. I have never looked forward to a dental appointment as much as I did that one. I have had a sensitive section in my mouth for a little over a month and was anxious to get it seen about. Unfortunately, it's a rather large cavity that needs a crown to fix it---or a root canal---or just pull the tooth. We won't know until the drilling begins and to do that, I have to have an okay from the oncologist because of one drug I'm taking. I'm waiting to hear back from him now, but have an appointment for Friday, with the hope it will be okay.

Our around the corner grands were gone for a week to see their Mimi and Pop in Natchez. They had a terrific time and the weather was perfect for playing outside. Liz's parents live on a lake across the Mississippi from Natchez and spend lots of time fishing when they are there. Sarah, who is nine caught a 4 1/2 pound catfish! I'm glad they could go and have such a good time, but we did miss them.

Preparations are beginning to wind down as the church I have been supplying is in the final stages of calling a pastor. We have such mixed emotions! In the year that we have been there, we have become very attached to the members. Their encouragement, support and prayers have sustained us in some really difficult days this year. On the other hand, we are glad that they will have an installed pastor to help them on their journey. Tom and I will return to 1st Pres, Jackson and get re-involved here. I have taught a women's circle all year and hope to offer a small group experience during the summer. There may be an opportunity for another temporary supply call, but the church mentioned is over an hour's drive from here and I'm reluctant to take that on. God has blessed us with our Humboldt friends, we will miss them and I will miss the ministry!

That's about it for today. We are still basking in the glory of Easter and trying to live as Easter people in this Good Friday world.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-04-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

Reflections

Yesterday was Easter, the highlight of the Christian year. Since I have only been ordained a little more than ten years and since my years as an installed pastor were spent as an associate, I have never preached the Easter sermon before yesterday. I was so excited to share the good news that I could hardly wait!!!! I may never get to make the "He is risen" proclamation again. I wanted everyone to know how that knowledge guides and informs my life! It was a glorious day!!

Our grands around the corner have gone to Mississippi to spend time with their other grandparents and our grands from North Carolina don't arrive until tomorrow. We didn't dye or hide eggs, we didn't buy candy and we didn't have a big Easter dinner. Instead, we napped off and on all afternoon and Tommy came about seven for supper. We cooked steak and baked potato and I made lemon icebox pie for dessert. It was quiet and easy. But I missed family!!

Tommy took the week off to refinish the floors in their den and hall. Times like this I wish I had the energy I used to have so I could help him. He did say that I could come with a dust rag and help get up the fine film the sanding leaves on everything.

The NCAA Basketball Championship is being played tonight. Who would have thought it would have been Butler vs. Duke? Butler has been one of those "in the wings" teams, biding their time until they made it all the way? The tournament games have been interesting to watch, though the SEC imploded. As much as I love college basketball, I do not believe in "anything goes" to make a winning team and I suspect two coaches I will not name, are guilty of winning above all else. May the best team win!

Our dogwood in the front is in full bloom. It will be a welcoming sight when Marty and Kevin drive up tomorrow--so will the purple weeds. We learned last Friday that our yard man has gotten out of the yard business and we missed the letter. Now we're in the process of trying to find a new person. Last week I bought new yard toys so hope the yard can be cut so the children can play outside.

Easter brings excitement, Spring brings beauty and being with our family is best of all!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-03-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Focus

Yesterday was Palm Sunday, the beginning of Holy Week. It was a dreary, rainy, chilly day, but inside the church there was warmth and excitement. Children processing with palm branches has a way of making folks smile. The organist and the choir outdid themselves! After the service lunch was served and the children had their annual egg hunt, in spite of the rain. Things are not always what they seem. Had the focus been on the weather, the mood would have been as dreary as it was, but we were focused on worship, the church family being together and the anticipation of Easter.

Last week I spent much time deep in thought--reading the Scripture and praying for direction. I thought about the humble beginnings of Jesus and the astounding fact that just weeks ago we focused upon a baby, knowing and proclaiming him King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I focused on the rejection he suffered during his life, the unbelief of the people he came to save, the utter disregard as people thumbed their noses at God. What had happened to "I will be your God. You will be my people?" How could they have forgotten? Would I have forgotten? When Jesus made the Triumphant Entry into Jerusalem, if we didn't know the rest of the story, we would think that respect and honor for Jesus was beginning to change. But, this procession initiated the worst week of Jesus' life; the rejection increased, even to include some of his closest associates; and the week ended with the crucifixion and burial of Jesus. How quickly the focus changes!

I wonder how I would have reacted if I had been one of the palm wavers, one of those shouting "Blessed be the king who comes in the name of the Lord." Would I have seen what was coming or would I have thought that Jesus was finally getting the honor he deserved? Hindsight informs me and I know how necessary the events of this week were, but knowing why Jesus had to suffer and why he died don't make the thoughts any more pleasant!

It's necessary to focus on Jesus--his identity, his character, his works. It's necessary to focus on ourselves--who we are without Jesus, our characters, our lives. Then, focus on the grace of God that took his perfect, sinless son and used that grace to transform us into children of God. It is truly amazing!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-03-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

Share with us . . .

There is a big smile on my face and a song in my heart! We learned from the doctor yesterday that the scans look better than the ones taken six months ago and that the cancer has decreased by about 25%. Dr. Reed wanted to put me on the current chemo regimen almost two years ago, but I didn't fit the protocol and my insurance wouldn't pay for it. Last fall he put an insurance "expert" in their office to work on it, and I got approved. There will be no rest right now. Since it's working, we keep on treating. Thus far, fatigue and bone pain in my back are the side effects I experience and I figure I can rest when need be and heat and Tylenol (or something stronger) can help with the other. I start a new round of treatments next Friday and pray without ceasing, thanking God for His abundant provisions and that the smile and the song may always be seen and heard no matter what the news!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaregt

2010-03-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

March Madness Has Begun . . .

and our Bulldogs got snubbed. After playing the number two team in the country down to the wire in the SEC Tournament Championship and losing in overtime by two, the "committee" in its infinite wisdom didn't think the Dawgs deserved a bid. I don't presume to understand all the factors they use to make their choices. I just know that there were lots of disappointed folks when the announcement was made. They got a number 1 seed in the NIT, won their first game and play North Carolina on Saturday. Go Dawgs!!! Wish we could be there.

Colin and family survived his weekend stay in the hospital and they are fine except for a couple of irritating complications caused by an anitibiotic he didn't need; his getting too accustomed to sleeping in Marty's arms against her chest; and a newfound fear of the doctor. Marty said today that she had planned some much needed and wanted one on one time with Christopher, but Colin wants to be held and Christopher kept telling her to put Colin in his bed. They are a busy bunch, but well and that makes us all happy.

Tonight we went to Wednesday night supper at Humboldt and had a good time visiting and eating hamburgers and hot dogs the men had grilled and strawberry shortcake for dessert. I had commited to lead a follow up session for small group leaders at 1st church, Jackson so had to leave supper to get back here by seven. It was really encouraging to get positive feedback and to get some better idea of how things were going for them. Small group ministry is essential, I believe, for the spiritual growth of the church and the spiritual growth in the church promotes numerical growth. I do miss active ministry!

Tomorrow is scan day. The thing I dread the most? not having coffee when I first get out of bed!!!! The doctor will see us after he has seen the results. I don't dread those visits anymore; they have gotten to be pretty routine. Okay. What next? We are hoping for a rest from treatment, but praying for healing. Sometimes it takes illness and/or disability to make us really thankful for things we have always taken for granted. I'm not sure I'll ever learn to consider fatigue when I make my list of errands or tasks to be done arount the house. At another place in our lives, we'd be on the road bright and early Saturday to drive to Starkville to the basketball game. I learned this afternoon of our friend Marty's age diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer three years ago, has signs of more cancer. You may remember praying for her. She has two pre-school little boys, is a physicist for NASA, has campaigned tirelessly for breast cancer awareness and is a super friend. We will prayerfully await results of her scans as well. If there is a "why question" forming in my mind, it would be why I continue to be blessed with more time and she is faced with more illness and treatment. I think on the goodness of God and know that we are shaped by the happenings in our lives. We may react or we may respond with trust. It is my prayer that both in my life and in Susan's that God will be glorified!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-03-13T10:11:00.000-08:00

This n' That

We said goodbye to an old friend this week. One of my favorite foods is popcorn--not just any popcorn, but the kind popped in a popper that sits in a hot plate type heat source, not the fancy new types of poppers or the microwave, though I don't turn much down. Tom sent me a popcorn popper from the commissary in 1967 when he was in Vietnam and we've used it ever since. Thursday I got it off the shelf to make an afternoon snack, heated the oil (so I thought), added the popcorn and it just sat there. I tried replugging; I tried other plugs; nothing worked. Upon investigating the coils, I discovered a broken one and I knew it was time to say "goodbye."
I wonder how much it has popped in all these years. It was older than my children and it triggers lots of memories. The heating unit is gone, but I kept the pot. They just don't make things the way they used to.

Colin has a fever and we're waiting to get the report on this morning's visit to the doctor. They took him yesterday, some tests were run and they were to return today for results. We don't like for our children to be sick at any age, but running a fever of unknown causes at six weeks old makes parents--and grandparents--concerned. I'll be glad to get an update today!! Big brother was sick last week, but the two don't seem to be related.

Yesterday a friend took me to Corinth for what I think was the last treatment in this series. Thursday we go to Memphis for scans and follow up with the oncologist. The new drug has been effective and none of the wierd side effects have been present or visible. It was the chemo drug that caused any problems suffered. We are, of course, hoping for a period of rest before I need more treatment. Chemo effects are cumulative and I can just hear my bone marrow begging not to send it any more just yet.

Tom has had good days and bad days this week. Wednesday, he got shakier and shakier as the day got older. He did go to church supper and Bible study, but it was noticeable that he was nervous. Only when I fixed his pills for the next day, did I realize I had forgotten to give him his afternoon meds. Dumb me! The problem was all my fault. He's doing well with therapy and the blood pressure is pretty consistent. That's good news.

Last night we went to Tommy and Liz's to visit and eat supper. Tom had not been to their house since we celebrated Mer's birthday on December 21. I don't know which he enjoyed more, being with them and playing with the little girls or the wonderful dinner Tommy concocted. Tommy and I had just been talking about veal parmesan and how almost impossible it is to find veal locally. So, he took a whole pork loin, sliced off four chops, pounded them thin, breaded them thin and pan sauteed them. In a pasta dish he put a serving of fettucine, a layer of alfredo sauce, the pork, covered that with a thick tomato sauce, topped with grated cheese. He makes his own sauces and that, of course, determines the taste of the dish. We had enough left to bring home for another meal. Talk about good!

During the past week I began a personal study in The Good and Beautiful God, a book by James Bryan Smith to teach us how to become more Christlike. He says: The number one enemy of Christian spiritual formation today is exhaustion, then goes on to say, We are living beyond our means, both financially and physically. Lately, I've been in the doldrums--tired most of the time, in a rut spiritually, basically blue and not satisfied with much. I read Smith's words, coming face to face, with the reality that I am exhausted, for good reason, but not doing much about it, thus the spiritual rut. I keep thinking that I'm "super woman" and can do all the things I've always done and I'm frustrated when I can't. I sleep more and it helps less. It's just easier to sleep than to think sometimes. Lots of medical bills have been coming in, to say nothing of the weekly checks I write for all the sitter help we have. I see many dollars going out that are not matched by what comes in. That can be frustrating, as well as causing mental exhaustion. Smith asks how the Christian fellowship or community has acted in your life and later the work of the Holy Spirit is manifest in the area of community? (That is my interpretation of those two questions.)

My answer came this way: Friends made in the fellowship of the Church are the most meaningful because for the bond shared. Some of those friendships are deeper than others for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is prayer partnership. These friendships often have been cultivated over many years; others have a shorter duration. This past week two such friends called to check on us. One even commented that in her prayer time that morning, she felt moved to call--the Holy Spirit was nudging. Each friend brought healing to my hurting heart and encouraged me in both spoken and unspoken words. The fatigue improved and my spirits lifted. The point? Becoming more Christlike doesn't just happen. We need to be actively involved in the process and to do that we must be fully rested and alert to those through whom the Holy Spirit works. In my case, the two friends were used. Those wake up calls were even inspiration for tomorrow's sermon.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-03-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

Go Dawgs!

It's one of my favorite times of year--final games before the conference championships. Our Mississippi State Bulldogs, both men and women, have played well this year. They haven't been outstanding as teams, but individuals have accomplished some personal bests. Jarvis Varnardo is the all time leading shot blocker in NCAA history--a nice record for a nice young man. Another player has passed a three point shot record in the SEC. The MSU women played Georgia tonight and beat them.

Yesterday I went to Memphis to a Committee on Ministry meeting that lasted five and a half hours. Fortunately, the interviews and issues were all different and the meeting never got boring. I learned about the ministry of an African American Presbyterian Church in Memphis that has an amazing, outstanding minsitry to the poor. The unfortunate thing, it seemed to me, is that there has been some difference of opinion as to what the Church really is. We tend to want all the i's dotted and t's crossed rather than to minister in the name of Christ to those who will perish without him. I don't pretend to know the answers to the church's problems, but I do know we need to be the Church and take the gospel to the people, not expect the people to come to us; we need to practice what we preach; we need to let the main thing be the main thing!

We got confirmation this week from Tom's brother and his wife that the brother has Parkinson's Disease. We have discussed symptoms and the possibilities of David having it for a long time, but in the last few months, I have talked with them more than ususal because of Tom's circumstances. David is four years younger than Tom; spent most of his adult life as an Army doctor, but was never in a combat zone. He and I have discussed exposure to chemicals as a possible contributing factor to Tom's illness. Currently, David is the Director of Family Medicine for the State of Virginia and has access to some really good medical opninions and facilities. We are not happy with his diagnosis, but are happy to know the root of some of the difficulties he's experienced lately. Who knows? This may be random and there could be some connection with both brothers having the same illness and the similarities between them.

This past week Tom went to Wednesday night supper at Humboldt with me. He was so happy to be able to go!! Our hearts were warmed by the outpouring of love expressed by so many. I'm hoping that he'll get to go to church on Sunday. I'm also hoping that I'll be able to stand up straight. I awakened this morning with bone pain in my lower back and have sat all day with heat on it. That helps, as does pain medication. That's the worst side effect of the chemo!

We continue to pray for friends who are battling serious illnesses; for our church at Humboldt to be led to the pastor God has for them and for them to find themselves ready to receive that special someone. We are never too old, nor should we ever be so satisfied with our lives and our traditions that we quit seeking the will of God in our individual lives and in our lives in the community we call our church. God gives us opportunity to partner with Him through prayer and obedience to Him.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-02-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

Random Thoughts

The week began with an impromptu visit to the doctor. Tom was having too many dizzy spells in the mornings and his blood pressure was running too low, too consistently. A slight change was made in his medications and I have thought the problem was a bit better. He had every intention to go to church with me today, but didn't feel like it this morning. The sitter told me this afternoon that he was dizzy several times while I was gone. This afternoon he's been fine.

I had a treatment Friday--no big deal, but I did learn that I was beginning the sixth round in this set of treatments. That's good to know--I was a little confused beause several things have made the schedule inonsistent. At the end of these I'll go for scans etc. and see just how effective the treatments have been.

When I got home from church Kia, daytime sitter, and Tom said Liz had called to see if we wanted some barbeque and baked beans for lunch. I never turn down Tommy's barbeque! He has perfected his technique and it is delicious. I had a cabbage so I made slaw to send home with Liz when she brought the meat and beans. So good. After a quick nap I called Sarah and told her and Drew to come on down to play. It was a beautiful afternoon to play outside. They came, played in the back for a while, then came in to play board games and have a snack. We both loved watching them sit on the floor, eat popcorn and giggle. They got a kick out playing a game that is "older than dirt." Funny how simple things can be so enjoyable--a simple game for them to play and a simple scene of grandparents watching grandchildren.

Bad weather and another week when I was under the weather caused a delay in our Lenten sermons. I spent many hours last week reading, researching and meditating over the Scripture of today. I am more convinced than ever that more attention needs to be paid to Old Testament scriptures if we are to comprehend the New. It hasn't been too long since the Church observed Advent, a time when I feel overwhelmed with the knowledge that such a simple, precious baby could be the almighty Son of God. He was born a humble birth to a humble family and at the same time was God Incarnate. Now, we have begun our observation of Lent and focus attention on the suffering servant, the mighty one who gave his all for me. The very thought often leads me to tears. What? He did that for me? God so loved the world; God so loved me. The love and compassion Jesus has for the world is just as personal. Jesus loves me; Jesus cares for me.

Amazing Grace!
Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-02-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

Time Flew

Where has the week gone? It wasn't full of errands or chores, but there have been preparations to make. We didn't do much more for Valentine's Day than wish each other a happy one--didn't even see the grandchildren. Monday, it snowed all day, but we managed to make it to a doctor's appointment, make a quick stop at the grocery store and get ice cream at DQ. Slippery roads cancelled Session that night. By Wenesday the ice and snow was melted enough for us to have church supper. I know people from colder regions think that we are real wimps when it comes to ice and snow, but we're really not equipped to manage. Thursday night I led a training for small group leaders at 1st Church, Jackson. Then, of course, tomorrow's sermon had to be prepared.

This winter I've been preaching the gospel passages in cycle C of the Lectionary, but got out of sync when we missed worship once because of bad weather and another when I had the flu or whatever it was. I should be at the beginning of the passages focusing on Lent, but instead I'm at Luke 5:1-11, Luke's account of the calling of the first disciples and the big catch of fish. All four gospel writers tell of the calling of the disciples, but each in a slightly different way. Only Luke ties that with the big catch of fish that weighed down the nets and the two boats where they dumped them. I have been fascinated with the passage and the extraordinary message it presents. Simon Peter never fails to allow us to identify with him and I'm prompted to examine myself and ask forgiveness for my pride, impetuousity, and failures. Simon responds to Jesus' instruction with a complaint before he obeys. He tells Jesus when he is told to put the nets out in the deep water that they've already tried that, but he'll do it anyway. The nets fill to overflowing. Did Simon Peter suddenly learn a new casting technique? Was his skill so improved? Neither. He was successful in his endeavor because of his obedience to Jesus. It goes with the saying: Jesus doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called. There's so much more; so much food for thought in the coming days.

Tom's progress continues, but so does his lowered blood pressure. Some mornings he seems to be too weak to put one foot in front of the other, but as the day goes one, he gains strength. He is responding well to his therapy, still eating well and "chomping at the bit" to resume his previous activities. He gets a little perturbed with me when I put my foot down!

We celebrated our 43rd anniversary this past week--truly the highlight of our week. Next week we wish Marty a Happy Birthday--thirty something or other--and also remember Colin as he turns one month. We do love February!

Jesus calls us to lay aside all that we have to follow him. He calls us to a life of obedience. In return our nets will be full to overflowing with his blessings in our lives.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-02-12T19:43:00.000-08:00

A Week of S-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g

We have more or less been celebrating Tom's homecoming for the entire week. You'll quickly learn why it was a "more or less" in a few minutes. In most aspects, Tom's improvements have been steady and just what I had hoped for. Tommy and Liz have brought supper every night and he has eaten heartedly of old favorites and tonight was treated with a Cuban beef w/ jasmine rice and black beans "first timer" from "Food and Wine" magazine. (It's great to be a guinea pig sometimes.) He seems to have a bit more strength, noticeable when he rises from his chair and a little more balance as well. Having sitters with him around the clock affords the opportunity for him to walk when he feels like practicing--that will help build both strength and balance. The down side of coming home shows itselft in his independence and stubbornness and in his gentlemanly qualities instilled in him by his mom. He thinks that just because he is home, he can do all the chores that he formerly did--like gather the trash and put out the garbage--not smart to go down steep steps into the garage and into the cold. I practically had to tie him down to keep him home today when I went to Corinth. And, when ladies enter or leave the room, he immediately begins to rise--exactly as Mom taught him. Sometimes what he does is scary; other times they are comical.

Saturday morning the admitting nurse from the home health agency visited, took vitals, history, etc. Right after she left, I excused myself, but before I could even stand, I lost my breakfast and could keep nothing, not even water, on my stomach until 4 the next morning. By then my sinuses were pounding and I felt really bad. Long story short: the advice nurse said for me to go to Corinth Monday for IV fluids, but couldn't because their roads were iced over; got prescription for the nausea; prescription for sinus infection; and slowly began a diet of saltines and Gatorade. Things are much improved! I had originally planned the sitters on a schedule that had me taking care of Tom bymyself a few hours everyday. Obviously, Saturday and Sunday I couldn't even take care of myself much less help him. The WONDERFUL new sitter would not leave our sides unless Liz or Tommy could he here to relieve her. Later in the week, we added her mother to our schedule for a few hours a day and now we have help 24/7. My little episode made me admit that it's okay to not be able to do everything and it gave me some much needed rest! God does indeed work in mysterious ways.

I had a treatment today--rather routine. The blood counts had decreased--I rather expected that they would have and the CA125 had gone up 4 points. We never life for it to increase, but it's normal for it to bounce up and down. One day I might put together essays based on infusion experiences since I had my first chemo in 1982. There was one today that was both amusing and maddening.

We are still wondering what the weather will be next. This Sunday will be the third try at preaching the sermon planned for January 31 and the second try at ordaining and/or installing elders and the second try at celebrating communion this month. Guess what's predicted for tomorrow night and Sunday--more icy/snowy conditions.

We are oh, soooooo happy to be home together. Blessings shower down on us like the precipitation we've been experiencing. God never forgets us and is ever faithful to all our needs.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-02-05T20:49:00.000-08:00

Wake the Town and Tell the People!

This morning the long awaited time came: Tommy and I went to the nursing home, picked up Tom and brought him home. Our additional new helper, Kia, was here waiting for us and they hit it off right away. Checking out of the home was painless, very quick and filled with smiles and hugs. I found Tom waiting at the nurses' station and rolled him down to his room so I could collect his belongings. I was met by the director of environmental services who said that they were getting ready to pack Tom's things and he just needed to ask a couple of questions. He said that packing, putting in the car were both part of their services. How nice! They even sent us home with a wheel chair just in case the one ordered for Tom didn't arrive today.

The only glitch in the trip home was unavoidable. As soon as my wheels started rolling Tom was telling me he wanted to stop at the Dairy Queen on the way. I noticed an unusual amount of traffic and about then my phone rang. It was Tommy, driving behind me and calling to say he had heard on the radio that there was a big wreck up ahead of us. By then I was committed and headed to DQ. As we crept ahead, I made a plan to get in and out quickly and another for an alternate route home. Problem number one: a non-functioning traffic light, but we made it. Problem number two: whatever caused the traffic light problem caused the electricity at DQ not to function either. It was sort of laughable. We took the alternate route home and Tommy made his dad a vanilla malt and all was well!

Most of Tom's day was spent curled up in his chair napping. He was a sight for sore eyes sitting across the room from me. I didn't realize just how much I had missed being at home with him. When Tommy picked up Jake from school, they dropped by to bring Tom's favorite donuts; when Liz , Sarah and Drew got out of school, they stopped and said hello; later they brought supper and the two youngest, Meredith and Elisa. Tom had seen all of the children during his time away except Elisa and it was a joy to behold when they spotted one another.

There were frustrating moments as well when he would insist he could walk to another room when he could not. It was as if he was saying: I'm home, I'll stand up when I want and don't tell me what to do. He's home, but he's not "home free," and there are still dangers of falling. I lost my patience with him more than once. I'm sure I frustrated him.

The main thing, however, is that we are home! And, oh, so grateful!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-02-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

Try, try, try again - - -

Last night I began to type and something in my computer bumped me off and everything was lost. I'm trying again even though I've already been bumped once with this try. Computers are great when everything is working properly and really frustrating when something is amiss in the system.

We are on the other side of the bad weather, trying to decide if warnings of more snow should be taken seriously. Our city/county schools have been out since last Friday and are finally going back tomorrow. City streets, for the most part are good, but the smaller back roads have been slow melting and the buses haven't been able to run. Two melting snowmen remain in our back yard, three other small ones having melted earlier in the week. The grandchildren had a great time in the snow and having no school.

The best news we have is that Tom is coming home Friday. There are pros and cons: he isn't as strong as he needs to be, but we think he may eat better at home. Tommy and I plan to pull out all the stops and feed him whatever he wants beginning with homemade biscuits and cane syrup this weekend. His balance isn't good and he needs practice walking, but he won't get that until he's home. He is not allowed to walk at the nursing home without the assistance of a therapist and has to ask for a CNA to help him any time he stands or transfers from the chair to the bed. I've always heard that "practice makes perfect" and know his walking won't improve until he does it more and more. Even the staff saw and commented on the difference in him when his medication was changed back to the original dosage. We are all excited about his coming home and pray that he will be safe and be in a continued state of improvement!

The time between December 22 when he entered the hospital with pneumonia and today when we are finalizing plans to bring him home has been fuzzy. I think some days I operated on auto-pilot, wondering, yet knowing where I'd get the energy to get through the day. There were days I feared we were facing the end of his life and then that day when I had to let go and release him to God. What a freeing experience! I didn't quit advocating for him or his particular needs, but I quit fretting and worrying about all the human elements involved. I've learned a lot. My trust in God has grown. I am not dwelling on tomorrow or how I'll handle it; I am living today with the assurance that I am not the one in control. I have learned to let Tom live with what he has just as I learned a long time ago to live with what I have--and not die from it. Together we will live, glorify God and enjoy Him forever. That's what life is about.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-01-29T15:40:00.000-08:00

They Got It Right!

All week we have been warned about severe weather that would be here by Friday (today). The forecasters said it enought that I called the cancer clinic Tuesday and moved my infusion from today to yesterday. That proved to be a good move. While I was there the nurses were busily trying to get other Friday patients in on Thursday and to reschedule appointments with the doctor from Memphis who should have been there today. Sure enough, it has been snowing steadily since early morning and the streets have been icy. Now, the forecast is that the ice/snow won't begin to thaw until Monday. Needless to say, I couldn't get to the nursing home and church in Humboldt may not happen on Sunday. Ice is the scary thing as it breaks trees and power lines. Last year just northwest of here there were disastrous ice storms, causing much damage. I remember one Christmas in Jackson, MS when the water plant froze and dinner for us was hot dogs, cooked in the living room fireplace and eaten on paper plates. I don't remember whether we ate the real deal later or not.

Tom's mental health improved after I finally got his medicine changed back to the usual dose. I believe the home asked for an increase in dosage because he sometimes is restless and won't stay still or where he is suppose to be. Is not heavy sedation the same as restraint? It is in my book! Eating and drinking are still problematic. He doesn't like the food and getting to his water isn't always easy. One of the therapists has gotten him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an ice cream cup a couple of days and he has eaten that when served. I am trying finish up the arrangements of bringing him home, hopefully by this time next week. I need to hire at least one more sitter and rearrange some things in the house. I hope his medical condition will allow a safe transition back home with me.

Baby Colin and his mom are doing fine--great, in fact! Big brother Christopher is learning to share his mom, but probably was happier with Colin tucked away inside, instead of visible for all the world to see.

I was so saddened this week to learn of Audrey Huseman's passing. She and her husband, Ken, had the most loving relationship and he has been her faithful caregiver through thick and thin. Even before this most recent illness and before I met her in 1999, she had survived cancer and another serious illness. I believe she lived to care for Ken when he needed her and to share her love of Jesus with anyone she could. We had some good times together at Women's Retreats, going out to eat and the times Tom and I spent with them before we moved to California, just to name a few. She needed no theological degree, no special training, just her sweet presence to share her love for Jesus. There is no doubt that she is smiling now as she has met him face to face. I will miss her.

God loves you and so do I!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-01-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

What a Difference a Day Makes!

Change number one is the most exciting and memorable! Grandchild #8, son of Marty and Kevin Long was born yesterday morning at 5:23. He weighed 8 lbs. 14 oz. and was 21 1/2 inches long. Mother and baby are doing fine and were at home about 12 hours after they left for the birthing center. Oh yes, his name is Colin Henry Long--the Henry being the middle name of his great granddad, his grand dad and his uncle.

The other change includes the frustration and my taking charge. If you know me, you know I am not an aggressive person, but I do have opinions and have learned to take charge when people I love are involved. There are some other times I take charge, but are not pertinent to these comments.

Let me share our days back at the nursing home. Since Tom returned there last Monday, his condition has gone down hill. Even though I do understand the whys and wherefores of their rules and appreciate the care he is receiving there, I am a bit frustrated. When he checked out of the hospital, Tom was walking practically unassisted, and doing well in that department. When he returned to the nursing home, he was back to monitors to keep him in bed or the wheelchair. There aren't enough helpers to help him walk, I cannot be there all the time, nor am I strong enough to balance him and that is frustrating. A medication change was made and he began to be lethargic, have low blood pressure consistency and sleep a lot. I checked on the medication and what I read confirmed my suspicions--too much medication. This morning I called the nursing home and requested they withhold the noon dose until I could consult with the doctor. They agreed to do that much. Neither two calls I made, nor one from the nurse to the doctor's office have had results. What a frustration!! I'll have to call the facility again in the morning and make the same request before I go to plan B.

The pluses of today's changes are two: 1. Cutting back the medication has made visible changes in Tom--wasn't as sleepy; was responsive; seemed stronger; and his talking made more sense. 2. Dellora brought someone for me to interview as an addition helper at home. She is quite acceptable and comes with lots of experience, her latest job being with a couple, both of whom have Alzheimer's and one of them had also had a stroke. She's ready to start when Tom is dis-charged.

It wasn't easy, but I finally was able to release Tom to God yesterday. How well I remember visiting in a Trauma ICU w/ the family of a man who had been hit by a car! There was no medical hope for the man and his wife at by his bed, begging him to hold on and to try to make it. She kept saying over and over,"I can't live without you." The fact of the matter is that had he lived, he would have been nonfuctioning. One of the nurses spoke up and told the wife that she had to release him, to give him permission to relax and let go. The wife finally did that and the man died as peacefully as he could. When my mother's time came, one of the nurses in the facility where she was said virtually the same to me: give your mother permission to let go and reassure her that you will be fine. She knew about my cancer and Tom's Parkinson's and believed we needed her to help take care of us, even though she was 97 and had been mostly bedridden for three or four years. I remember that she asked me if I was sure and then said, "Okay." She died three days later. I'm not ready to say goodbye to Tom, but I have truly put him in God's hands. I have quit telling God how to fix things. After all God knows best!

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret

2010-01-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

The first steps have been taken to set up help for Tom when he comes home. Dellora and I came up with a schedule the other day and we will interview a person tomorrow--if Tommy is available. We are all anxious to get Tom home, thinking that being in his own surroundings will help him, but he can't come until the help is in place. I had hoped everything would be ready by this weekend, but the doctor hasn't given us discharge orders and they probably couldn't be ready at least until Monday.

It is difficult to understand what he says and he has a hard time following simple instructions. His body is willing and he has the strength to do most of what it takes to get up from a sitting position, but he has trouble getting his legs to do what he hears in his brain. There is a real disconnect in that area. The frustration that I feel sometimes tends to make me impatient with him. He is the love of my life, yet you might doubt it if you witnessed my impatience.

I learned today when I went to a group occupational therapy session that there is some virus going around the nursing home. The therapists kept going around the room with sanitizer for hands and one told me that I needed to careful and not stay too long. That, too, is frustrating. I don't want to have to wonder about my own condition--general fatigue and tired legs are enough!

We trust God to hold us in his strong right hand and that he will go before us in this journey. Trusting and believing relieve the frustration and help as decisions are made.

Blessings,
Pastor Margaret